Massive relationship problems

hentu

We are both early 40s, no kids been married for 15 years or so. The last 10 years have been really hard on our relationship. My wife suffers from major anger management issues and serious personality disorder.

She will freak out at the smallest thing, usually something I have done but seems to send her into a massive downward spiral. She is negative about everything. I mean everything.
I first saw this after we had been dating about 3 months. I should have just walked away but we ended up building a life together.

She reflects on her past a lot even back as far as 3 or 4 years of age. She will recount negative experiences over and over on an almost daily basis. Her anger management has driven away her family and my family. Her last friend abandoned her about 2 years ago, zero contact since - someone she knew since school and was close with. She talks about them all every day, saying things like she wishes they were dead or had cancer. She says things like if I were to die in an accident she would not tell my family and have me cremated and never tell them. It really upsets me.

Christmas is very tough on us as she generally spends her time talking about all the negative things and drinking. Its not long to go now and I am dreading it.

She gets drunk a lot and things are 100 times worse. She will regularly keep me awake till 2am screaming at me. She drinks at least 5 bottles of wine a week but sometimes 2 in a night.

I don't have any friends she drove them all away. They all know what she is like so they just keep away. I speak to my best friend by email maybe once every few months but he has his own life so I don't want to disturb him with it and he has his own problems too.

She gets into road rage and massive arguments with random people off the street. She thinks everyone is trying to trick her she sees every action of another person as aggressive.

We are financially linked, we cant easily divorce. We met at university and started our own company we came up with the idea together and its quite a unique company and neither of us would be able to sustain our lifestyle without it. The business makes good money, we employ a few people too and I would not want to let them down some of our longest serving employees have been with us since the start almost 20 years now. She does not work at the office each day but she watches our security cameras and will call me to question what time I get into work, when I go out for lunch and that kind of thing. She is watching me 24/7.
She controls every aspect of my life, although we have a lot of money I don't have easy access to any of it. I get a credit card which I have to use for daily spending and she gets the bill at the end of month and goes over it all and questions anything that she does not think is ok. Recently she has been telling me to spend less.

Everything is always about her, I cant remember the last time she asked if I was ok. How was I feeling. I have not spoken to family or friends face to face in 2 years.

I feel like I have wasted my life and that I am trapped. I don't have any idea what I can do.
I thought about just running away, as sad as that sounds. Just leave everything and go. I know it would not end well for me but I am running out of options. A couple of times I have planned to just take my passport and go. I don't have the balls though.

My health is suffering. On bad days my I just hear this white noise in my ears, the room is spinning. I feel sick.

I know if I try and leave she will destroy the company. I might get half the money, but I am sure she will move some of it. I feel really stupid.

Then I will have to face working a normal job probably till I die. I don't know if I can do that. I know a lot of people do and they will think I am a bad person for being so materialistic but its hard to understand unless you have been in this position. I could leave everything behind the house, cars, money but I worked so hard for all this. I don't know. I know she will never change. I may be in the final year or two of being able to get my life back on track? Who will want to date a 45 year old with no money, house or even be able to support himself!

Sorry this has got a bit long but its 10 years of hardship I am not even mentioning half the problems I don't want to sound like some crazy.H

kimplus8

firstly, I'm no relationship expert but heres my 2p's worth.
This sounds like an incredibly toxic relationship for both of you.
she sounds like someone who is either a narcissist or has some kind of personality disorder (again I'm not a psychologist, just my opinion).
I think you need to firstly talk to her about she is making you feel and how she is isolating herself from everyone that cares about her.
if that is unsuccessful maybe suggest some sort of counselling or mediation to try and work it out.
If thats not an option then separate and see how you go, it will be hard but you just gotta do it if that is where your head and heart are at.
you can think about the legalities of the separation and the company stuff is a bridge that you can cross later once the dust has settled.
I really hope this helps x Kim

bugslet

That's a tough situation to deal with for so long.

I ran a company, set it up, after ten years employed Mr Bugs and in due course gave him a percentage of the Company. The last few years before his dementia diagnosis were very difficult, his personality was challenging and there were days when I could have happily walked away, but the money made it difficult. I didn't want to be in my late 40s, starting again after all that hard work and letting staff down that had worked for me for 20+ years. Ultimately he deteriorated, went into a home and died within 18 months of diagnosis. I think you can tell I saw similarities in our stories.

Your wife definitely needs to see a professional and I think it would help you to seek some help. Could you buy your wife out, is she in any way amenable to changes in the business. Have you discussed this with your accountant? Mine often has creative solutions to problems and an outsiders perspective may help.

Obviously I am a lay person, no psychiatric knowledge, but your wife sounds very I'll, she cannot be happy and desperately needs help. That may make her more rational.

bugslet

Another thought, if you can get a diagnosis, is there anything in law regarding capability, in other words, is she fit for office? I'm not suggesting that you would be unfair in any settlement, but if you can get control of the Company, it gives you more options.

I agree with the previous poster, it is an abusive relationship, albeit as a result of mental health issues.

hentu

kimplus8 wrote: »

firstly, I'm no relationship expert but heres my 2p's worth.
This sounds like an incredibly toxic relationship for both of you.
she sounds like someone who is either a narcissist or has some kind of personality disorder (again I'm not a psychologist, just my opinion).
I think you need to firstly talk to her about she is making you feel and how she is isolating herself from everyone that cares about her.
if that is unsuccessful maybe suggest some sort of counselling or mediation to try and work it out.
If thats not an option then separate and see how you go, it will be hard but you just gotta do it if that is where your head and heart are at.
you can think about the legalities of the separation and the company stuff is a bridge that you can cross later once the dust has settled.
I really hope this helps x Kim

I have tried to tell her, I have tried to get her help. She went to see someone once via the GP and it made her worse. They basically laughed at her when they asked her questions like what do you do for a living etc. The councillor basically said you need to go and see someone private and not waste NHS money. She felt really upset by it all. Now she wont see anyone.

She has flashes on self awareness and sometimes will recognise the really hard situation she is putting me in but it happens about once every 6 months for about an hour, after that its back to "normal".

I dont have any qualifications so would really struggle to get a job that paid anything like what I earn now. I have never worked in an office, a shop, a bar, anything. I dont know what thats like. I dont even know where to start. I have been running my own business since I was 22 and 20 years later its grown into a decnet size but we are very much the foundaiton. I have tried to think of every possible way out. There is none.

hentu

bugslet wrote: »

That's a tough situation to deal with for so long.

I ran a company, set it up, after ten years employed Mr Bugs and in due course gave him a percentage of the Company. The last few years before his dementia diagnosis were very difficult, his personality was challenging and there were days when I could have happily walked away, but the money made it difficult. I didn't want to be in my late 40s, starting again after all that hard work and letting staff down that had worked for me for 20+ years. Ultimately he deteriorated, went into a home and died within 18 months of diagnosis. I think you can tell I saw similarities in our stories.

Your wife definitely needs to see a professional and I think it would help you to seek some help. Could you buy your wife out, is she in any way amenable to changes in the business. Have you discussed this with your accountant? Mine often has creative solutions to problems and an outsiders perspective may help.

Obviously I am a lay person, no psychiatric knowledge, but your wife sounds very I'll, she cannot be happy and desperately needs help. That may make her more rational.

Yes we are in a very similar situation then. Thanks for posting. I would lose everything, she would never sell me the company. Its also difficult to explain but it would not survive without both of us, we both play a role. I don't want to give too much information. Our company has a large online presence.

Its so hard as I have no one else to talk with, the only time I get to myself is when I am in the car coming to work or going home. We never get invited to events or family stuff. Its like they wont make any adjustment for her they dont understand she is not like this on purpose she is actually ill.

Carrot007

hentu wrote: »

I have tried to tell her, I have tried to get her help. She went to see someone once via the GP and it made her worse. They basically laughed at her when they asked her questions like what do you do for a living etc. The councillor basically said you need to go and see someone private and not waste NHS money. She felt really upset by it all. Now she wont see anyone.

Even with the problems with underfunding at the NHS and them pretty much completely ignoring mental health unless you are likely to kill yourself or others this is a very poor show.


I assume she either went to see someone either older of of the upbringing that mental health issues are a sign of weakness. Unfortunatly is still occurs.


I would say try again but I fear the best you will get is sorry you are not a priority and will have a 6 to 8 month wait. And that's the good side of non priority cases. Though is she is willing to go on drugs and they do help a bit, but are not the ultimate solution, more a respite to see how bad you have been and that your really need to do something, then maybe try a better GP. I have lot's of GP's at my locla practive and I can make an appointment to see any. They all have bio's on the website indicating what is their speciality. it's worth a thought.

*max*

hentu wrote: »

I have tried to tell her, I have tried to get her help. She went to see someone once via the GP and it made her worse. They basically laughed at her when they asked her questions like what do you do for a living etc. The councillor basically said you need to go and see someone private and not waste NHS money. She felt really upset by it all. Now she wont see anyone.

It might very well be what she told you happened, but it could also be that she...twisted the truth, let's say, to make herself appear as the victim and stop you asking her to "get help". I very much doubt a professional counsellor would laugh at a patient, and IF (big if) it's true, he needs to be reported.

pollyanna_26

You mention a serious personality disorder . Does your wife have a formal diagnosis ? My daughter now 33 was wrongly diagnosed with Asperger's ( autistic spectrum disorder ) aged 13 .
She lost nearly 20 years of a good life due to that . Life was a nightmare . She didn't drink or do drugs but was targeted by some predatory older males which caused a great deal of damage mentally and led to self harm and some attempts to take her life .
She had major anger issues and frequent meltdowns .
She developed serious physical health problems which pretty well took her off her feet .
Neither the two GPs nor I ever believed she was on the Spectrum .
We decided as one last try to start again . All physical and mental health records were requested and early this year she was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder .
She is lucky to have all the relevant areas of the NHS working with her and I have my intelligent , caring and lovely daughter looking forward to the future .
You don't say which PD your wife has . Borderline and some others have some things in common . The main one being a constant fear of abandonment . As a result they test the boundaries rather as a child will see how far they can push a parent to test if they are loved .
As a parent , partner or carer it is difficult not to walk away . Over the past few months my dd has explained the things that her mind was telling her such as not good enough , stupid , ugly ,everyone will leave me etc . Sometimes she would feel disconnected from reality . Her wonderful counselor described it as the parrot in her head and the trick is to mute that parrot . I'm not sure if any of this is helpful to you and can't advise about the business .
If you can get your wife to admit she needs help the help is out there . Not always easy to get but with an understanding GP much easier .
If she can get to a point where she is willing to try seeking help again it will put you both in a better place whether you stay together or go your separate ways . Good luck .
polly

pollyanna_26

Having read further through the posts I agree due to funding cuts finding good help is difficult but it is worth seeking it out . My daughter has been on medication since her teens . She has encountered dismissive consultants and other staff and some pretty useless counselors along the way . The irony is her correct diagnosis earlier this year was from a senior mental health consultant who dismissed her difficulties as severe anxiety and depression a few years ago . This time he diagnosed BPD with added severe anxiety and depression plus PTSD which was a result of the damage caused by the wrong diagnosis in her teens .
The flashes of awareness are a positive . That's when you can encourage her to try again as she is lost inside the illness and will sometimes have those moments which are really a cry for help .
I feel for you as I understand what you're going through . Just be aware she is suffering too and can't help herself .
I can't see how you can resolve anything until she will admit the present situation isn't good for you both .
polly

chesky

Do you keep your business finances separate from your private money? Are you both paid salaries?
Your wife is like an alcoholic who won't admit they have a problem. Unless they do, they cant be helped, so you have to start looking out for yourself, even if it means moving out of your house and leaving the company. You say you have no qualifications but you went to university and you've been running a business for twenty years. You could get a job stacking shelves in a supermarket and be freer than you are now.