Massive relationship problems

Primrose

What a nightmare! You have received some good advice from Bagouss and I suggest you consult both a so,icitor and your accountant to discuss what options are available for extracting yourself from this situation.

If your wife is as bad as this as well as abusive I,m wondering whether she really still does have mental capacity. If she were sectioned you would be facing different alternatives.

Your wife won,t undertake counselling but perhaps you might benefit, if only to help you develop the courage to realise what you need to do to quit this abusive relationship.

I think you firstly need to start separating your finances. Does she have complete power over the business finances. If so that needs to change and possibly become joint signatories.

The whole scenario sounds a mess and I think you must summon up some courage now for making change happen. Sit her quietly down and
Tell her what must happen. If she blows up, just dont go into work. Spend the day in your local library or wherever but just take back control so she realises the. Usiness cant function without you . If she relies on you to run the office she will soon be lost without your admin capabilities.

Frankly the whole scenario sounds as if it's gone too far to retrieve. Maybe a separation prior to divorce is the only way you will ever regain and sanity and mental health again.

I can,t imagine what your employees think of working in this hellhole atmosphere. Is there any chance of getting them on side so she realises she has to make changes or the business won't operate without their cooperation.

hentu

Thanks all.

Its really difficult for me to expalin the full situation. Finances, she controls 90%. Going legal wont work. It would be far from a simple case.

"Sitting down" wont work, I tried before. She will revert to type and argue it and then just get madder and madder. You wont understand unless you have seen someone like this. They dont even hear what you are saying. The last time I tried it took around 3 months for us to recover any form of normal life.

I am going to try and get her to see someone, I think that's the best thing for now.

I think I just have to accept the friends and family are gone and we maybe just try and build a new life when she is better with new friends.

Rosieandjim

You are making excuses and are co dependant on each other which is not healthy for you or your wife. why on earth do you allow her to control 90 per cent of the money.


If your were receiving a proper wage you could separate for a while but still maintain a business relationship. Until you stop enabling her behaviour you will never get off the carousel you are on.

bugslet

hentu wrote: »

Thanks all.

Its really difficult for me to expalin the full situation. Finances, she controls 90%. Going legal wont work. It would be far from a simple case.

"Sitting down" wont work, I tried before. She will revert to type and argue it and then just get madder and madder. You wont understand unless you have seen someone like this. They dont even hear what you are saying. The last time I tried it took around 3 months for us to recover any form of normal life.

I am going to try and get her to see someone, I think that's the best thing for now.

I think I just have to accept the friends and family are gone and we maybe just try and build a new life when she is better with new friends.

What percentage of the Company do you own? 50% of the house is yours.

I don't think you can see the wood for the trees. None of this is vaguely normal and you saying just have to accept is so wrong.

Primrose

You are an employee of the company. If she tries to withhold your salary and money to which you are contractually entitled, then you can sue her. Presumably you do have a contract of employment ? If she holds the business purse strings she still has legal obligations to perform and she can't withhold money from you as an employee just because you are her husband. This is one of the reasons you need to talk to a solicitor to understand exactly what are your business contractual rights, as well as your marital options.

I think you need to start separating your lives into business and marital and keep them as far apart as possible while you try to resolve this situation


It sounds as if you have allowed the situation to get out of control over a long period of time and regaining back 50% control will be hard but this is what you have got to do. giving in for a quiet life is really no longer an option. This situation has to be resolved and you have to grasp the nettle, even if you temporarily move out and live somewhere else to get away from the toxic atmosphere at home. If she were faced with this scenario, your wife might start to stop and pause where her anger is taking her. While you just quietly jog along trying to keep the peace nothing will ever change. Frankly from what you say, I doubt it will anyway, but you do need to take back more control.


And pour the wine down the sink if she gets worse when she's not sober. . there's no point in trying to negotiate with an alcoholic. She needs to face up to some of her demons and being faced with somebody who acts as if he's in charge might just shock her into realising that something finally has to give.

calleyw

No one said it was going to be easy. It never is.



Getting your wife to see someone? How is that going to happen? its not like taking a dog to a vet to be seen. She does not want help or get better as she has you doing as she wants.



Its the same as when you are debt, you need a light bulb moment about this situation and relationship. until that happens you are not going to listen or follow any suggestions made here.



You are being abused. Abusers make you feel you have no where to turn and that it is all your fault. You are making excuses for her. I was in what could be termed an abusive on/off relationship for nearly 4 years. Used me, messed me about. It never progressed anywhere and I knew he would never change. My mental health is still suffering from the fall out of that nearly 2 and half years later.



Re read what you have written as if you are outsider to the situation. What would you tell a friend who came to you and told you this. yes it would be run and don't look back. Sod the business and the money.



No you should not accept that family and friends have gone. You have right to have your own life and be happy.


We can all make suggestions until we are blue in the face. But until you are ready to accept that you need to make the change and move on. You will be still be in this relationship that is making you desperately miserable.


I hope that light bulb glows bright for you one day. And you get the courage and strength to take the bull by the horns.


The only person you should be thinking about at this moment in time is yourself. Anything has to be a million times better than what you are going through at this moment time. Its not as scary on the outside as what you think. Much better than what you living now.


Take care and do think about what other posters have said. I wish you all the best.


Yours


Calley x

Doodles

hentu wrote: »

Thanks all.

Its really difficult for me to expalin the full situation. Finances, she controls 90%. Going legal wont work. It would be far from a simple case.

"Sitting down" wont work, I tried before. She will revert to type and argue it and then just get madder and madder. You wont understand unless you have seen someone like this. They dont even hear what you are saying. The last time I tried it took around 3 months for us to recover any form of normal life.

I am going to try and get her to see someone, I think that's the best thing for now.

I think I just have to accept the friends and family are gone and we maybe just try and build a new life when she is better with new friends.

No I don't think you are right to accept they are gone. Reach out now, you need to ask for help and I bet you at least one person will want to help.

You seem very alone, and very resigned to the fact that this must be what you have to put up with for the rest of your life. That's why you need others on your side, and to get you to see your life can be very different if you want it to be.

I would also suggest seeing a solicitor. You really don't need to be walking away with nothing to get out of this situation.

Primrose

I think your family and friends withdrew because they simply saw that you seemed to be determined to carry on with the situation and they would just be banging their heads against a brick wall.


If you show that you realise how much they have been alienated by your wife's behaviour and are now trying to pick up the pieces and move on you may be very surprised at the support you get. You just have to recognise that there is usually a limit to what people outside the relationship could have been expected to cope with with, or expected to put up with.


Cast your bread on the waters in this respect and see where it leads you. it will be a lot easier trying to move forward if you have some sympathetic support and advice on your side.


I expect your wife is probably also used to throwing a strop and you giving in to keep the peace. Maybe it might be quite a shock to her if she finds the worm has suddenly turned.

bugslet

Just a quick one, if you do get the courage to move on, make preperations before you tell her. You only want what is fair, but it sounds as if she would make life difficult.

calleyw

bugslet wrote: »

Just a quick one, if you do get the courage to move on, make preperations before you tell her. You only want what is fair, but it sounds as if she would make life difficult.

I agree with this. Open new bank accounts and get all your personal documentation e.g passport, driving licence etc in a grab bag. if you can get a friend on side get them to look after all that stuff for you.


Please don't resign yourself to this life. You deserve better than this.


Yours


Calley x