Massive relationship problems

Xenon

Pack your bags - close the door behind you - and run.

You have one life - don't waste any more it.

Any financial/company/divorce etc arrangements can be sorted in time

Primrose

I think perhaps some of those who recommend just packing up and running have no idea how terrifying this prospect may feel to somebody who is used to living a regular life, and moreover who has stated that he has no family or friends to whom he can run and to whom he can look for support.

Perhaps the old saying applies here "first walk a mile in another man's shoes before you judge how he walks."

This person has been slowly driven into to the ground for many years by this abusive behaviour and probably needs a lot of help and advice on how he proceeds to make a new life for himself. If somebody else controlled your finances and you have nowhere to run, how easy is it to escape?

I think he needs to start thinking about how he extricates himself from this mess a few steps at a time so that broken down into smaller steps it becomes more manageable and he doesn,t feel overwhelmed by the process. Living with somebody who has such an uncontrollable temper and anger management issue cannot be easy.

I think one of the issues he is obviously struggling with is the loss of a relatively comfortable financial life and having to find some other kind of job. Thinking about what he does, putting a cv together and thinking about how he moves forward cannot practically be done overnight. The success of making a new start may depend on how well he thinks through his decisions and does his planning

I,m sure everybody here has given him plenty to think about. My guess is that he will not be running anywhere any time soon but I hope he has seen that with enough thoughtfulness and planning, he can still forge a new fulfilled life for himself.

hentu

Primrose wrote: »

I think perhaps some of those who recommend just packing up and running have no idea how terrifying this prospect may feel to somebody who is used to living a regular life, and moreover who has stated that he has no family or friends to whom he can run and to whom he can look for support.

Thanks for that. Its very difficult for people to understand. Whats worse is being financially trapped is making it ten times harder. Throwing away the business is something that will probably haunt me for the rest of my days. Unless you have been there and built something quite substantial from nothing its hard to understand.

I have been giving it some thought and I am going to try and make a few changes over the next few months. I don't know how I am going to cope with Christmas again though.

Primrose

Take your time and go at your own pace he turned.
You have a lot to think about and I,m sure you brain will be busily occupied during the small dark hours.
In your case it may be that small gradual steps give you the confidence you need to start edging your way forward.

Your wife is obviously mentally ill and probably the less time yiu spend in each other,s company the less chance there is of triggering another outburst.

Is she ihysically fit? It seems a strange thing to ask, but is there any possibility that with the arrival of autumn and the start of evening activities encouraging her to do something ike dancing, keep fit or yoga might have a beneficial effect on the way she behaves? Or would it do you good to get out and do some activity like this as a distraction and possibly starting to make some kind of new social life for yourself.

welshbabe88

I think you still have a lot of life left to live - being only in your 40s - and you are lucky in a way with no children to complicate matters.
I know it might be difficult but is there any way to try and squirrel some money away - or get a separate account? You need to start planning an exit strategy.
Its hard with no family or friends to give you moral support - but would any of your family step in to help if they knew you wanted 'out'? They were probably distressed to see how you loived and may welcome a chance to help you escape.
It definitely sounds like no kind of life. I think you have to weigh up being financially secure with living the rest or your days in misery - it certainly sounds as if you hate how things are - otherwise you'd not be posting. So that is a good first move and shows you want to change things. Sounds like your wife is beyond helping and your best option is try and save yourself.

calleyw

hentu wrote: »

Thanks for that. Its very difficult for people to understand. Whats worse is being financially trapped is making it ten times harder. Throwing away the business is something that will probably haunt me for the rest of my days. Unless you have been there and built something quite substantial from nothing its hard to understand.

I have been giving it some thought and I am going to try and make a few changes over the next few months. I don't know how I am going to cope with Christmas again though.

Its never easy to leave. Yes its going to be hard. But not impossible. I also know its easy for us to say leave.



Yes it's hard to leave a business you have built up with nothing.But if your wife is not capable of running it. It will be run in to the ground and you can then rebuild the business on your own, new name but old face.



I don't think anyone expects you to just wake up one day and walk out. You need to take your time to plan and work out how you are going to leave.



Your wife is not at this moment of time for what ever reason not able to change. Having MH issues does give her the right to treat you like crap. You fear going home and that is not alright in anyone eyes. You have had to put up with this so long, you think this normal. Its not and deep down you know it. But you are scared. And that is understandable. What is it that scares you the most. Having your freedom or the loss of material things. As has already been said by another poster you seem very fixated on the material things. You are only in your early 40's plenty of time to start over. People have lost fortunes and rebuilt them. Scary to start over again. But you can't put a price on your own mental well being and happiness.



Once you leave, you will begin to think why you did not leave earlier. You don't have to be there if you don't want to. If you did not have the business would you stay? Its always easier to make excuses to stay. When the kids are older ( i know this does not apply but I am talking about excuses) after christmas, after my birthday, their birthday, after the dog has died etc etc


Its a long path and wont be easy. But please think about yourself and be selfish about your wants and needs.



I do hope that you find the strength to leave as you sound very unhappy and put upon.


Yours


Calley x

vulpix

The fear of the unknown in the future is real so better the devil you know.I took 2 years to extracate myself.You have already started the plan by posting here.You have already started to disengage.Think of that good life in the future where you have no feeling of doom when you know dreadful times are due.Think long and hard about leaving. Is money really more important than your mental health long term? The thought of money may comfort you now but on your death bed will you be glad you stayed?You can and will rebuild a happier calmer life.It is possible,I have done it.Others have too.

If you had a friend or relative in the same position what advice would you give to them?

I know it seems impossible to think you could leave ,but you can.

Take very good care of yourself xxxxxxxxxxxx

Fireflyaway

This is clearly an abusive and controlling relationship. Staying like this will only mean you wasting your life.
I agree that she will only change if she really wants to. Has she ever been assessed for mental health conditions? Sometimes the symptoms can be anger and self medication etc. If her own self esteem is low it could come out by way of controlling and criticizing others. However what you describe seems extreme and consistent.
You have been patient and given the relationship a long time to improve. I'm guessing she sees you accepting her behaviour by the fact you are still around and won't change.
Being in your 40's is not old! You can definitely make a great successful life. Being in control of descions and finances will probably feel quite liberating. You might need to get a normal job for a bit but so what. That can be a means to an end.
Imagine having no friends for the rest of your life. Being insulted and controlled. If you get to 60 and that's still the same I'm sure you will regret not taking action.
Leaving will be hard and it might well be she goes off on one and makes it hard for you but that will pass. Make a plan and stick to it.

hentu

Thought I would update. Its not going well

We did have some really good discussions a few months ago and she went to see a councillor as a result. I tried to explain how I was feeling and I think she took it on board. The drinking seemed to slow down. I offered to go along but she wanted to go on her own which was fair enough. It seemed to help a little and things were probably the best they have been in a couple of years.

About a month ago the drinking started to increase again, her mood swings returned. The abuse (which is what it is) slowly started up again. This time, for the first time I resisted and did not want to be the punching bag any more. This seemed to have a massive negative effect but I had to stand up for myself at some point.

Things have been very cold the last few weeks and a few days ago she told me she wanted me to move out, after drinking herself into a wreck for 8 hours. She said some things which you cant un say and even if you said them out if spite they were horrible and you clearly don't love someone if you talk to them like that.

So, that's it. I have a week off work over Christmas and it looks like I will be packing my bag a couple of days before Christmas. I am heart broken. Not really sure what I will do.

Last night I hardly slept kept waking up covered in sweat. My heart feels like its going to explode out of my chest.

Meanwhile she is waltzing round the house like nothing is wrong and I am sat here in a state of confusion. I am sure she is enjoying it.

Sorry to waffle on just had to get it off my chest.

calleyw

Hentu,


Thanks for the update.


You have finally come to your lightbulb, rock bottom moment. This is the place where you had to get to. It hurts and you feel like crap. But you would never made the move until you got to this point. No matter how many times anyone told you to leave.


Its scary to have to start all over again. Don't think about her, she has made it clear what she wants. Now you need to start to make your plans to leave.



Do you have any family or friends you could go and stay with over xmas? You need to start to rebuild your confidence. And start to look forward to all the things you can do. And now you wont dread coming home.


I am glad you have found the courage to leave and you can now start the next stage. You can have a life and friends and enjoy it. It will take time to get to that stage. Because it does hurt to leave a relations no matter how rubbish it was.



I wish you all the best and do keep us updated.


Take care


Yours


Calley x