Breaking the cycle

Comms69

Think this is more of a rant than anything else but feedback and advice is always welcome!


This weekend my partner split up with me. Now this wasn't some blazing row or anything like that. In fact to some degree it was on the cards for a while.


Basically we never dealt with problems. So for the last 7-8 years any time we've fallen out those issues have just been swept away.


This means now if we fall out (stereotypical as it sounds) it's like she's got a spread sheet of our problems!


The thing is, I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes; which the obvious answer would be "stay away from her then!", but it's not that simple.


For one we have children together.


And, although it might be foolish, I would like to have a proper family. BUT I'm not willing to repeat the cycle over and over again.


The 'typical' situation would be with-in a week or two of us falling out, she would get back in touch and pretend nothing was wrong. Now I've enabled this for a long time by using the 'let sleeping dogs lie' motto.


Aside from the details of our problems, which granted might be relevant but for the sake of simplicity are mostly 'traditional' problems in relationships - money, monotony, familial pressures and lack of social lives (joint or independent).


There are some other elements; she can be quite controlling - I don't think it's meant that way, I think it's fear more than anything that causes it. But nonetheless it's there, and it's gotten worse as the relationship has gone on.


I kind of know what I need to do - basically don't do what she expects me to. And I know you cant force someone to address their own negative traits and can only develop yourself as you'd like.
But it's a very difficult position to be in nonetheless: part of me wants to try to fix things; and part of me has kind of had enough and needs a break!


The big consideration is the kids ofcourse. But I don't expect there to be too many problems in terms of contact and what not.


Anyway it's a rant, make of it what you will.

pickledonionspaceraider

Comms69 wrote: »

Think this is more of a rant than anything else but feedback and advice is always welcome!


This weekend my partner split up with me. Now this wasn't some blazing row or anything like that. In fact to some degree it was on the cards for a while.


Basically we never dealt with problems. So for the last 7-8 years any time we've fallen out those issues have just been swept away.


This means now if we fall out (stereotypical as it sounds) it's like she's got a spread sheet of our problems!


The thing is, I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes; which the obvious answer would be "stay away from her then!", but it's not that simple.


For one we have children together.


And, although it might be foolish, I would like to have a proper family. BUT I'm not willing to repeat the cycle over and over again.


The 'typical' situation would be with-in a week or two of us falling out, she would get back in touch and pretend nothing was wrong. Now I've enabled this for a long time by using the 'let sleeping dogs lie' motto.


Aside from the details of our problems, which granted might be relevant but for the sake of simplicity are mostly 'traditional' problems in relationships - money, monotony, familial pressures and lack of social lives (joint or independent).


There are some other elements; she can be quite controlling - I don't think it's meant that way, I think it's fear more than anything that causes it. But nonetheless it's there, and it's gotten worse as the relationship has gone on.


I kind of know what I need to do - basically don't do what she expects me to. And I know you cant force someone to address their own negative traits and can only develop yourself as you'd like.
But it's a very difficult position to be in nonetheless: part of me wants to try to fix things; and part of me has kind of had enough and needs a break!


The big consideration is the kids ofcourse. But I don't expect there to be too many problems in terms of contact and what not.


Anyway it's a rant, make of it what you will.

Sorry to hear that


Just to add, it does seem like problems were always swept under the rug, which is why she is bringing out a spreadsheet of problems when a new argument erupts as nothing is ever been dealt with or resolved


That's all I have got I am afraid, all the best

-taff

Go to counselling together.

fibonarchie

You're not a bad person Comms69, but I get the feeling you can be a bit.. headstrong and cantankerous

I'm sure she has her faults, too.

Shame there's kids involved, but if they're older (?) it might not affect them so much. Fewer and fewer people bother to make a commitment to each other before starting a family these days, unfortunately.

Comms69

-taff wrote: »

Go to counselling together.

Suggested that, but she's not keen - thanks though

Comms69

fibonarchie wrote: »

You're not a bad person Comms69, but I get the feeling you can be a bit.. headstrong and cantankerous

I'm sure she has her faults, too.

Shame there's kids involved, but if they're older (?) it might not affect them so much. Fewer and fewer people bother to make a commitment to each other before starting a family these days, unfortunately.

haha I think that comes out more here because I'm less so at home! That said we share a lot of the same views, so I don't think that's the issue.


I agree it was probably too soon, but my kids are great and wouldn't trade them for anything.

getmore4less

when you say gets back in touch after a week or two where are the kids while this is going on?

Is there anything on the list you can fix, you won't do them all at once but there must be one you can tackle and get knocked off the list.

don't let it extend to other things just focus on one thing.

Comms69

getmore4less wrote: »

when you say gets back in touch after a week or two where are the kids while this is going on?

Is there anything on the list you can fix, you won't do them all at once but there must be one you can tackle and get knocked off the list.

don't let it extend to other things just focus on one thing.

That’s great advice thanks.

The kids are at home, I mean they’re fine for the most part but I do agree that they should be totally separate from the issues.

Savvy_Sue

-taff wrote: »

Go to counselling together.

Comms69 wrote: »

Suggested that, but she's not keen - thanks though

You can go on your own. You might find it helpful, whatever the outcome.

onomatopoeia99

Comms69 wrote: »

Basically we never dealt with problems. So for the last 7-8 years any time we've fallen out those issues have just been swept away.

I'm not going to do your trick of quoting the whole opening post so it can't later be removed, as someone else has done that already.

Basically you (both of you) have been storing up problems for those 7-8 years, due to your (you, singular) failure in not addressing the problems as they arise, facing them head on and resolving them. You have enabled her behaviour, to the long term detriment and possible ultimate destruction of your relationship.

You need to address certain flaws in your character. One is that you are clearly a different person in your offline life to your online life here. Look at yourself. Ask yourself why you feel the need to respond the way you do on here from behind your screen when you can't do that when the person you share your life with is in front of you? Maybe it would help you to understand why you are that way. If you better understand yourself, you might be better able to communicate with your partner.

Communication is crucial in a relationship. I know from experience how hard it is to talk about problems in the relationship, to be the one that starts the conversation, because I have been that person, but it has to be done if you want to give the relationship to survive. Ignoring problems leads to simmering resentment, with the consequences you have today.

Forcing acknowledgement of the issues might permanently sunder the relationship between you, but at the moment it seems to be at that point already. Alternatively, more understanding between you might create a stronger platform to rebuild.

Comms69

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I'm not going to do your trick of quoting the whole opening post so it can't later be removed, as someone else has done that already. - it's ok it's not being deleted. Wouldn't post it if I didn't want to say it

Basically you (both of you) have been storing up problems for those 7-8 years, due to your (you, singular) failure in not addressing the problems as they arise, facing them head on and resolving them. - well I think that might be somewhat presumptuous; I mean yes I didn't face the problems head on, which is fair, but then neither did she. You have enabled her behaviour, to the long term detriment and possible ultimate destruction of your relationship. - I agree. I have allowed her to behave in a way that was not acceptable

You need to address certain flaws in your character. One is that you are clearly a different person in your offline life to your online life here. - that's true, but it's not so simple. My morals are the same; but the way I type on a forum is not the same as the way I'd speak to someone I care about. I do also have some issues with verbal vs written communication; nothing serious but it does affect the way things can come across. Look at yourself. Ask yourself why you feel the need to respond the way you do on here from behind your screen when you can't do that when the person you share your life with is in front of you? - My immediate reaction is that I care about the person in front of me more. I'm less inclined to hurt her feelings. But I think you have a point. Maybe it would help you to understand why you are that way. If you better understand yourself, you might be better able to communicate with your partner.

Communication is crucial in a relationship. I know from experience how hard it is to talk about problems in the relationship, to be the one that starts the conversation, because I have been that person, but it has to be done if you want to give the relationship to survive. Ignoring problems leads to simmering resentment, with the consequences you have today. - I agree totally. I genuinely have tried, but I think such conversations need to be done in a 'safe' environment. I think it's difficult to have those kinds of conversations at home with everything else going on.

Forcing acknowledgement of the issues might permanently sunder the relationship between you, but at the moment it seems to be at that point already. Alternatively, more understanding between you might create a stronger platform to rebuild.

I'm not trying to lay the blame anywhere, as I said there's some on both sides. But it's very difficult to get her to open up and acknowledge the problems.


I know after 8 years we aren't just going to end things like this, but I think it takes time.