Breaking the cycle

surveyqueenuk

calleyw wrote: »

Mothers like this make me ashamed to be female. Sometimes I think they want their ex's to have nothing and live under a railway bridge.

Couldn't agree more. Comms, I think you should call her bluff re: maintenance. Work out what the CMS says you should pay and offer that. You can always put any extra away for the kids. You're a logical bloke aren't you? So you'll know that she cannot deny access unless the judge says so. The saying "See you in court" sounds very useful here.

She's extracting the urine, plain and simple.

ctbfc

Comms69 wrote: »

It's not just guilt tripping; it's demanding. In essence no money, no kids.


Thanks though, I hope I get one of them - would be nice to have some security with Christmas coming up.

Ah I see. I understood that she had withdrawn contact and you were transferring her money anyway.

Obviously keep texts/ emails where she has done this if/ when it goes to court.

I've seen you dish out advice to others in similar situations (I think?). Obviously it's always harder when you are the one involved but you know what steps you need to take. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

Pixie5740

Comms69 wrote: »

It's not just guilt tripping; it's demanding. In essence no money, no kids.


Thanks though, I hope I get one of them - would be nice to have some security with Christmas coming up.

Only communicate with her via email. That way everything will be in writing i.e. no money = no contact with the children.

This worked a treat for a friend of mine whose idiot ex put in writing that she could have his child out the country like that because her sister lives outside the EU. He forwarded it straight to his solicitor and once it was shown to the court she was in deep doo doo and had to start playing ball.

Comms69

BrassicWoman wrote: »

How many times in what time period and what times of day, would give a steer on whether it was intimidating.

Mostly sunday - the day that contact was supposed to happen and also the day she cancelled it.


Between 11am and 2/2:30 pm - on email. Tried to call a couple of times.


Then Monday Afternoon
and finally Tuesday morning to tell her I was going to mediation.


For context the emails were about contact.


This wasn't me threatening her, or later at night / early hours. Frankly I'm shocked that she's even claiming it caused her alarm and distress.


Also for context having looked back - she did the same thing the day before to me! I asked her to leave me alone and she continued to contact me. - I need to speak to my solicitor about this.

Comms69

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

Couldn't agree more. Comms, I think you should call her bluff re: maintenance. Work out what the CMS says you should pay and offer that. - yes I got paid today so will transfer the exact amount later. You can always put any extra away for the kids. You're a logical bloke aren't you? So you'll know that she cannot deny access unless the judge says so. The saying "See you in court" sounds very useful here. - I know. But at the minute she can; until it gets there. Which isn't ideal for anyone, especially the kids.

She's extracting the urine, plain and simple.

Yep, totally. And to be honest it's got to stop.

ctbfc wrote: »

Ah I see. I understood that she had withdrawn contact and you were transferring her money anyway. - no sorry, I wasn't clear.

Obviously keep texts/ emails where she has done this if/ when it goes to court. - yes for sure.

I've seen you dish out advice to others in similar situations (I think?). Obviously it's always harder when you are the one involved but you know what steps you need to take. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

Think it's one of those - do as I say, not as I do


You're right in my head I know.

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Only communicate with her via email. That way everything will be in writing i.e. no money = no contact with the children. - yep. At the minute im not communicating at all. The police / CPS haven't reached a decision either way; though my solicitor is very confident there's no case to answer.

This worked a treat for a friend of mine whose idiot ex put in writing that she could have his child out the country like that because her sister lives outside the EU. He forwarded it straight to his solicitor and once it was shown to the court she was in deep doo doo and had to start playing ball.

I'll keep all emails etc. Just annoyed that she throws a strop and I need to deal with all this now.

BrassicWoman

Comms69 wrote: »

Mostly sunday - the day that contact was supposed to happen and also the day she cancelled it.


Between 11am and 2/2:30 pm - on email. Tried to call a couple of times.


Then Monday Afternoon
and finally Tuesday morning to tell her I was going to mediation.


For context the emails were about contact.


This wasn't me threatening her, or later at night / early hours. Frankly I'm shocked that she's even claiming it caused her alarm and distress.


Also for context having looked back - she did the same thing the day before to me! I asked her to leave me alone and she continued to contact me. - I need to speak to my solicitor about this.

I am guessing that was more “I’m sick of this I’ll see you in mediation” than “ hey, this isn’t working for either of us, can we think about talking it through with someone neutral?”

Perceived threat is almost always in the tone not the intent. And from your posts in various threads I observe you are very angry with all women.

I would see if you can get some talking therapy to help you. You can’t change her. You can only change how you act, and see if it gets a different reaction.

Comms69

BrassicWoman wrote: »

I am guessing that was more “I’m sick of this I’ll see you in mediation” than “ hey, this isn’t working for either of us, can we think about talking it through with someone neutral?”

Perceived threat is almost always in the tone not the intent. And from your posts in various threads I observe you are very angry with all women.

I would see if you can get some talking therapy to help you. You can’t change her. You can only change how you act, and see if it gets a different reaction.

Whilst the tone wasn’t calm on the day she cancelled contact; since you asked:

Look if you don’t want to talk to me that’s fair enough. I’ll leave you to it.

I’ll contact mediation at lunchtime and go from there.

Was just hoping we could get past all this.

- I’m far from angry with all women. My views are ofcourse based upon my experiences; but I try to be as neutral as possible.

I do slightly resent that last sentence. After 8 years of verbal, financial, emotional and physical abuse; I don’t think that changing my behaviour to get s different reply is the right answer

BrassicWoman

Comms69 wrote: »

I do slightly resent that last sentence. After 8 years of verbal, financial, emotional and physical abuse; I don’t think that changing my behaviour to get s different reply is the right answer

But you CANNOT make someone else change.

You can only change how YOU behave, and see what happens

If your tactics right now aren't getting you what you need - you need to change your needs or change your tactics

Rubik

BrassicWoman wrote: »

But you CANNOT make someone else change.

You can only change how YOU behave, and see what happens

Would you say that to a woman who has suffered domestic abuse? It's not the OP's behaviour that the issue here.

[Deleted User]

Regardless of the other threads, the OP has asked for advice

Following along with this thread Comms, OH has an ex that acts like your partner/ex partner with the kids, so I empathise with your situation