Breaking the cycle

getmore4less

Comms69 wrote: »

That’s great advice thanks.

The kids are at home, I mean they’re fine for the most part but I do agree that they should be totally separate from the issues.

Does she or you move out or is it the silent treatment and you are both at home just not communicating.

If the latter IME(not just me) women nearly always break the silence first must be the genes.


A lot of things are about compromise and communication and in some cases you are better with the focus on things that really matter, say they effect the kids you stop it being between you but about finding a solution to make the kids life better.

Another strategy is to connect things that matter more ie if something needs doing and the OH just can't be bothered and there is something that needs to be done(the OH wants) then it can't be done till the first thing gets done.

We have one of those, I can't decorate a room till the junk is cleared and it's not my junk, the chain is longer than that but nothing will happen till the first step happens, I have stopped the nagging I can find other things to do.

if any of these issues are finances then that can need a longer term plan and budget goals setting so you are both on the same page again a focus on the kids can help start the process, you as parents get the scraps.

getmore4less

If verbal is an issue what about once the kids are in bed talk about making a plan for the next 12 months and writing it down, this is what we need to be doing for the kids(and us) over the next 12 months, holidays, schooling, parties, visits to family etc.

it may be possible to pre empt some of the things that cause issues.

Comms69

getmore4less wrote: »

Does she or you move out or is it the silent treatment and you are both at home just not communicating. - First the latter than the middle (me moving out).

If the latter IME(not just me) women nearly always break the silence first must be the genes. - haha it's a running joke that she's more stubborn than me. I really dislike silences and bad feeling, so nearly always try to fix things first.


A lot of things are about compromise and communication and in some cases you are better with the focus on things that really matter, say they effect the kids you stop it being between you but about finding a solution to make the kids life better. - I agree. I think I just rush to try to fix things instead of us both having time to get over whatever the problem is.

Another strategy is to connect things that matter more ie if something needs doing and the OH just can't be bothered and there is something that needs to be done(the OH wants) then it can't be done till the first thing gets done. - That's a good idea.

We have one of those, I can't decorate a room till the junk is cleared and it's not my junk, the chain is longer than that but nothing will happen till the first step happens, I have stopped the nagging I can find other things to do. - One of the key 'battlegrounds' is that she wants things done before she sits down, whereas I prefer to spread things out over the course of the night.

if any of these issues are finances then that can need a longer term plan and budget goals setting so you are both on the same page again a focus on the kids can help start the process, you as parents get the scraps.

I think it's more finances in general. We already get the scraps in terms of money. The kids get everything they want (infact I'd say they get too much, but she grew up with very little and over indulges.)


But financially the focus is the house and the kids.


One key thing that needs addressing is the amount we smoke and drink. But it's almost a by product of everything else. (it's a mess basically).


Get so wound up with keeping on top of things we end up overindulging on a night.


The thing is she thinks she can do it all on her own, but just burns herself out. I keep telling her she needs to learn to relax but she doesn't seem to be able to switch off. I do worry about that.

Comms69

getmore4less wrote: »

If verbal is an issue what about once the kids are in bed talk about making a plan for the next 12 months and writing it down, this is what we need to be doing for the kids(and us) over the next 12 months, holidays, schooling, parties, visits to family etc.

it may be possible to pre empt some of the things that cause issues.

Great advice and she does do this. Very meticulous diary.


But there just doesn't seem enough to go round. and it doesn't help when relatives, or one in particular, take total advantage.


e.g. £100 taxi at 1am to go help - some serious issues there. That's a lot of money from the pot.

getmore4less

Maybe play to the strength and as part of the planning a budget where you agree on a helping out the relative(s) pot but she has to agree how much that is in the year and she has to plan how it gets spent.

A budget that is normalized on yearly totals can help focus priorities
eg we spent £1k help that useless sister(a guess) of yours are we going to be spending it again this year then we need to put it in the budget.

I am a sit down and chill a bit then do the jobs like make something to eat, unless it is just a turn the oven on and throw in then I chill while it cooks. OK some jobs will need doing but not all.

Maybe again play to the planning strength an see if you can get some lee way on the evening activities, if you spread them out at bit you need to take the booze a bit easier.
Are you inside or outside(for the kids sake) smokers?
sig breaks and a small wine to plan a bit, "why don't we do X next together then have another break.

Stressed time and booze do not mix, another tactic with all those jobs is get up an hour earlier and do some in the morning less pressure in the evening to get stuff done.

you start having to go to bed a bit earlier so less drinking time unless you start in the morning.

Comms69

getmore4less wrote: »

Maybe play to the strength and as part of the planning a budget where you agree on a helping out the relative(s) pot but she has to agree how much that is in the year and she has to plan how it gets spent. - that's an excellent idea; it just always seems to come up at the worst times.

A budget that is normalized on yearly totals can help focus priorities
eg we spent £1k help that useless sister(a guess) - close, cousin. of yours are we going to be spending it again this year then we need to put it in the budget.

I am a sit down and chill a bit then do the jobs like make something to eat, unless it is just a turn the oven on and throw in then I chill while it cooks. OK some jobs will need doing but not all. - I agree, but she wants it all doing everyday. The kids are definitely at chore age but she doesn't keep on top of that, then gets stressed about it. (not excusing myself but im at work, so only really input into their daily tasks in evenings and weekends)

Maybe again play to the planning strength an see if you can get some lee way on the evening activities, if you spread them out at bit you need to take the booze a bit easier. - Its defeintely an issue, health and cost wise. Something I keep saying but I cant lock her inside if she wants a drink
Are you inside or outside(for the kids sake) smokers? - outside, always. It's not great don't get me wrong but it's never around the kids
sig breaks and a small wine to plan a bit, "why don't we do X next together then have another break. - Ye we do that sometimes. or split the jobs - we 'prefer' (if that's the right term) to do different chores. Like I don't mind working in the kitchen, but hate vacuuming. She hates changing beds, but doesn't mind doing general tidying - toys etc.

Stressed time and booze do not mix, another tactic with all those jobs is get up an hour earlier and do some in the morning less pressure in the evening to get stuff done. - Mostly it's the result of a very active home. I do feel we stay in too much, which just snowballs the whole thing. In the mornings the house generally looks spotless.

you start having to go to bed a bit earlier so less drinking time unless you start in the morning.

haha no! not at that stage.


I generally go to bed later just so I have some free time. Typically it's 8-9/10 mixture of school run, work, cooking tea and chores.


:Like I mentioned she cant shut down. I don't mind leaving the dishes until the morning for example, or not vacuuming everyday, or whatever. But she's very houseproud.

Tabbytabitha

Comms69 wrote: »

I think it's more finances in general. We already get the scraps in terms of money. The kids get everything they want (infact I'd say they get too much, but she grew up with very little and over indulges.)


But financially the focus is the house and the kids.


One key thing that needs addressing is the amount we smoke and drink. But it's almost a by product of everything else. (it's a mess basically).


Get so wound up with keeping on top of things we end up overindulging on a night.


The thing is she thinks she can do it all on her own, but just burns herself out. I keep telling her she needs to learn to relax but she doesn't seem to be able to switch off. I do worry about that.

I wonder whether you've ever thought of connecting the bit I've bolded with what you wrote in red -

"One of the key 'battlegrounds' is that she wants things done before she sits down, whereas I prefer to spread things out over the course of the night. "

getmore4less

Maybe play to the strength and as part of the planning a budget where you agree on a helping out the relative(s) pot but she has to agree how much that is in the year and she has to plan how it gets spent. -


that's an excellent idea; it just always seems to come up at the worst times.

The key with this is it changes the dynamic, from you moaning that's another £100 on a taxi we can't afford making you the bad guy at a time of need, to only needing to address the problem as it gets used up at the regular review time, seems the budget we agreed was not big enough we need to plan where to save some money and make that bit bigger before the next crisis much more neutral.

She has to come to her own conclusion that your families priorities are higher on the list


Not clear what work patterns you both have and where the at home overlaps are.

Comms69

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I wonder whether you've ever thought of connecting the bit I've bolded with what you wrote in red -

"One of the key 'battlegrounds' is that she wants things done before she sits down, whereas I prefer to spread things out over the course of the night. "

No no, ofcourse. I totally understand that.


But it's something we struggle to get a compromise on.


I'm not for a minute suggesting she doesn't work hard with the kids, because I know what handful they can be.


But it's difficult to keep going for 12+ hours with only a 30 minute break.

Comms69

getmore4less wrote: »

The key with this is it changes the dynamic, from you moaning that's another £100 on a taxi we can't afford making you the bad guy at a time of need, to only needing to address the problem as it gets used up at the regular review time, seems the budget we agreed was not big enough we need to plan where to save some money and make that bit bigger before the next crisis.


Not clear what work patterns you both have and where the at home overlaps are.

I work, she stays at home.


So typically I leave home at 8:40 for the school run and get home around 6.