Martins 'Moral Dilemma' becomes real for me.....

MJay

Oh Kim,
What heartache is in those words .... and what wisdom!

You recognise your reality as it is happening... Oh, well done you... Hold on to that conviction and let go of the hurts whilst your mum is still alive....

Better still (but takes a courage I never had...) rant n rave n tell her in words of few sylables (and many may only be four letters..) , how her behaviour, actions, responces and attitude have hurt you and how your interpretation has made you feel....... I have no advice on this step.... I never dared risk taking it.....

If you do this, it is your choice, your responsibility, your action....And the outcomes...??? Your risk...

If you truly believe that you may share my fate at some point in your life, you set the scene for the dialogue I was always too frightened to have..... and now bitterly regret my cowardice...

It is a big risk.. Only you know whether it is worth it..... I know what I wished I had done way back then... Just for me

My heart goes out to you.....

Hugs n xx

CelticStar

This is a very sad thread to read - though it is leaning towards being more uplifting now. MJay and kimevans you have BOTH been treated utterly appallingly, make no mistake, neither of you have deserved what has been dealt to you.

MJay, you sound like you are on the right path now, good luck to you and congratulations for realising how lucky you are in your friends and family and how worthy of their love you are. Your mother's betrayal of you is simply a demonstration of what an unpleasant person she was and is no reflection on you - your sister doesn't even merit being talked about but perhaps you can take comfort in the fact that life has a strange way of handing out just desserts eventually. With regard to your mum, it is often the case that dysfunctional people turn on the very people who help and support them and if you read up on something called the persecutor, victim & rescuer triangle you might get a bit more insight into this. You aren't alone, it is a common phenomenom.

kimevans, you sound a lovely person, forget those nasties on the other thread, they sound like the kind of people who talk sentimenality rather than reality and sense, it takes courage to see the truth sometimes. Why are you still carrying on having contact with this person who so clearly treats you so badly? She will never be a fairytale mum and is constantly hurting and rejecting you. In a way you are rewarding her for bad behaviour towards you because she is never having to face any consequences, you keep going to see her and taking her presents etc. If you break contact she may never change and come running back to you with arms outstretched but at least you won't be assisting her in hurting you. It can't be nice for your husband and child to see this happening to you. Mjay's story is very sad but it is also a salutory lesson that if a parent doesn't care about you then no amount of caring for them will bridge the gap because it takes two people to make a functional relationship. With that in mind perhaps it is time to be kind to yourself? Life is very short and I think we should make the most of it with the people who love us.

I hope I haven't been too blunt here, I promise I've typed this post with the best of intentions and kind wishes all round.

CelticStar

Ps Ceridwen, you sound such a nice person, your posts to MJay were so kind when she needed it most.

MJay

Dear Celticstar
Thank you for your kind reply.

Yes, it is a sad thread... And I still cannot bear to read it from the beginning... I have moved on... but not THAT far, yet.

Yes, I am familiar with the triangle and guess we come from similar backgrounds. To a certain extent, I could see my relationship with my mother in that context for many years but never really managed to step out of it..... It was a dynamic that ran through most of my mother's relationship/s and is certainly true of all of my sister's.

I had always dreaded my mother's death for fear my sister would choose to create a similar relationship with me..... She 'eats' personal energy and much as I would have resisted, her heartbreak would have been the locus in quo to foster 'big sister' feelings and rescuer responces....

Another big plus about what has happened is that I am freed of that response / responsibility.

Thank you again for your kind words.

CelticStar

MJay

I have PMd you.

CelticStar

Kim

Thanks for the reply, I really wish you well - it seems your mum does not deserve such a nice daughter. Take care and look after yourself.

ceridwen

...well....as MJay says....there is a "very strange dynamic" on the Arms - so I dont think you want to let yourself get too upset about what people on that particular Board said. Sometimes people forget there is a person behind the comments on the screen - and there does seem to be outbreaks of collective amnesia on the Arms sometimes in that respect. Personally - I dont want to know about that particular Board and when one or two of my threads have landed up being put over onto that Board then I have just mentally "kissed them goodbye" and forgotten about them...as I know there wont be any constructive comments forthcoming thereafter.

With this website now getting over 1 million people signed up for the regular emailing - then, by sheer virtue of numbers, there are going to be some people one would not wish to meet in "real life" shall we say joining up. Fortunately - there are also the others - and I have made several new friends personally through this website. People of every variety are obviously coming onto this website - and I just ignore those I would not wish to know in "real life" and think "oh well - they are only a minority". One just needs to focus on the good ones and I have "met" some who have been very generous with their helpful comments - anyways I am just off right now for an early night and a read of a book I was given as a present by a new friend from this website - which was, I felt, a generous thought and one I am appreciating.