Martins 'Moral Dilemma' becomes real for me.....

MJay

Dear Firefly & Margaretclare
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts....
I had a really good day yesterday that somehow ended on a very sad note....

In the early weeks after the death, I took comfort from this board as an outlet for many things I couldn't say out loud.... I returned to do the same last night and I am touched by your replies. Again, thank you.

Throughout my life, I have expected only what I earned myself and in that respect, nothing has changed. My children will share equally whatever I leave and attend to their own children, my lovely grandchildren... If one (God forbid) precedes me, at that point, my grandchildren are mentioned.

My children have always been the best thing in my life, closely followed by their children... And I know I am loved in equal measure by them.

In my nature, I am like my lovely Dad. He died the richest man I know... Loved dearly by children, grands and greats. He had two 20 pence coins in his pocket only. I cherish and shall never spend my half of his financial wealth and his wonderful memories live on.

My hope is that in their future lives, my children, grands and hopefully greats will remember me in this way too. That is real wealth.

Again, thank you for your kind words in the ether.

floss2

:grouphug:

Floss x

Strapped

Read this entire thread with interest. I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Your thread has reaffirmed to me that my Will will say one thing only: divide equally between my children (with hubby a life-interest in the house). I've been planning to redo my Will anyway, in fact it's my NY resolution. (Last will was pre-kids).

ethansmum

I have a similar family 'issue'.

I despise my Grandmother. Theres a long history of her physically and mentally abusing me.

Anyway, she has 2 children - my Dad and his brother. When my Grandfather was alive he knew that my uncle (and his kids) was My Grans favourite, and always ensured that he and Dad (and my sister and me) were always treated the same. That was until his death. My uncle lives 200 miles away and in 10 years has probably visited her twice. My Dad (and sister)does everything for her, clean, cook take her shopping, I mean everything. He drops what he is doing and runs to her beck and call. He never asks for nor gets money from her even for things she wants bought). Yet my uncle gets everything! My Dad was doing her finances for her and inadvertantly found her will. My Dad will get absolutely nothing! His brother gets everything. When asked about it, she even confirmed it. She didn't see that there was anything wrong. My dad won't ague because he says its hers to do with what she wants.

I honestly couldn't care less about the money, I would just be glad of the day when she is no longer on this Earth. I just feel so sorry for my Dad and Sister who really could do with being repaid for there kindness . Why should my Uncle and cousins sit back and get mega bucks for doing nothing? (Shes 85ish so the end can't be too far away.)

ceridwen

Hi MJay

I wondered how you are doing. I'm picking up the impression that you are starting to "pick up the pieces" and move on a bit. Congrats on the giving up smoking - thats a positive one.

Keep going - you'll get there.

MJay

Hello Ceridwen! Happy New Year! (Kimevans... see next mailing, please)

Yes, things have moved on... Some six weeks after the death, my brother-in-law finally released a form of explanation letter done at the same time as the Will.... The letter was clearly created to put paid to any legal challenge but (whispered) my mother's reasons... I will not repeat the rubbish in there but a lot was just plain lies and my sister's hand is all over the contents and the purpose in keeping it from me for so long...

She is still messing around in relation to the few bits and bobs I've asked for and so far, not only have I not had anything but she has not returned property I lent her and stuff belonging to me in my parent's home.....

However, there are good things afoot too... Yes, the smoking has gone again and I am due for my op in the very near future... trying to sort out some of my own affairs before..... Had a lovely Xmas and family and friends were really kind in the many ways they went out of their way to show love and care... The universe put out a whisper for people to contact me and cards came from far and near from lovely friends I haven't seen for a while (none of whom have any idea about this hurt). Very comforting.

I have carried my family on my hip throughout my life. This year, the hip is being replaced by one of the "non-stick variety" and from here on in, I live my life for me, my kids and grands, and my many lovely, lovely friends..

Thank you for being there for me at my worst hour.... It is reassuring to know that there are other good people in the world...

Hugs

MJay

Dear Kim and others....

Thank God there are kind and nice people in the world and they far outweigh the bad'uns. It is a terrible thing to be rejected by a parent and a desperate thing to recognise too late that you ARE rejected. Being disinherited by my mother without a conversation has upended my views on my relationship with her over my whole lifetime.

I am in a much better place now but was so vulnerable on first posting that I would have topped myself if people had been cruel. Ceridwen was kind enough to step in on one such occasion and even shed light on stuff that I had not understand I needed to say... Thanks again Ceridwen. (see earlier postings on this thread)

Creating this thread was like phoning the Samaritans for me - but without the guarantee of an unconditional positive response. In that respect, it was VERY VERY risky behaviour… The people who write to these boards are the same as they are in the real world: some are very nasty, some are very nice and some get off on taking power / glory / control / whatever turns them on in whatever way possible….

I am finding the dynamic very strange on another board and might become a ‘lurker’ there for a while.

Thank you all for reaching out with love. Take care out there

Joyful

I agree that parents can have a lot to answer for in how they can leave their children battling with each other. Irrespective of the money for those who helped parents but never got any money please remember that you did it because you wanted to- not because you expected to receive anything(I hope).This came from your hearts and you are all better people for it.

poet123

The anguish and hurt are obvious in all the postings on this thread. It should be a timely lesson for all of us that we need to think about fairness and the perceptions of those left behind when we draw up a will. The same kind of thing happened to a friends husband recently.....a strong city banker who had no interest in the money but cried like a baby when he realised his mother had cut him out of the will citing his lack of attention. It was his wife who sat by her bedside as she lay dying and he who paid for a taxi to bring him 50 miles to get there quicker when she was rushed to hospital. The sister who benefitted was in her tax free compund in saudi arabia. The hurt will never leave him.

My parents split the monies equally between their 2 kids,we then gave our children an appropriate share.

I hope you can move past this and look forward,remebering you did your best and that is all anyone can do. We cannot control others. if my mother had done this I would have gone to my brother and offered half,as I would have been sure something had been amiss when the will was drawn up.

Kimevans, I can understand the hurt you felt if the gifts disparity was so obvious.....ignore all the posters who said otherwise they have not walked in your shoes. I would bet 99% of them would have felt the same in the same situation,it is easier to be holier than thou when you are not in any gien position. Out of interest did you ever ask your mother for an explanation?

MJay

Well said, Kim... And thanks Poet. I hoped that if some were undecided, hearing such heartache may help them hear what their own loved one's may feel....

I have tormented myself to find answers... And with the benefit of hindsight I see some of the clues.... Ultimately, my mother lost because she couldn't rejoice in all the many parts of me (warts and all); my sister will loose out for the rest of her life: final meal ticket cashed in and no one to be a safety net... financially.....emotionally. It is and always was their problem, not mine.

I lost out but I gained so much. too.... I am less naive than I was but recognise and value fully those wonderful people I have in my life and what a vast support network their lovingness provides. I rejoice in that daily. I know how much I love and care for them and that is mirrored in their love and care for me.... If I was so horrible and unworthy, would my contacts be so many? Of course not....

Take care out there and be rich in those you KNOW care - without you having to try....