Martins 'Moral Dilemma' becomes real for me.....

Joyful

I feel for you but as others have said don't let it change the memories of when your Mum was alive.

I was in a situation that I took care of my Mother in law for many years after my Divorce. Her Son only once in that time visited( when he thought she was dying)! She cashed in the 2 savings plans she had for my children when she went into care in case it was needed. When she died she had written him out of the will and everything was to go elsewhere.I had for many years asked her to add to her will what she wanted my children and others to have rather than have a family fall out. She always said she would not write out her Son (nor did I expect her to). She said he would deliver to everyone so need to change. Ha Ha. He contested it and got 50%. Of course my children saw nothing of it. My Children always wanted their Grandmother to use the money for her care so did not begrudge this but were very upset that there father got anything at all.

Wills can cause so many problems. I have already told my children that they need to make their way in this world and not rely on anything from me.

Take care and keep your chin up( As my Mum would say).

Broken_hearted

money doesn't = love.

floss2

ceridwen wrote: »

Thank you for that. I was feeling quite down after the previous post - from someone where "me and mine" had kept the lions share and she was congratulating herself on being fair. Goodness knows what the O.P. felt about that one!

As my sons received a small amount each, for them to spend / save as they wished (they were 17 & 19 at the time so not children), along with my 25% of the balance I don't think that was quite "the lions share" and I certainly wasn't congratulating myself on that. My mum didn't own her own home and had been retired for 10 years, so the total after paying for the funeral etc was not a huge amount, in fact it was roughly equivalent to my gross salary as a Local Government clerk, and my share went to pay off some of my debts, for which I will always be grateful and sad that I had to lose my mum to do that so quickly.

I was trying to explain that my mum had thought about what she wanted to do with what little she had to leave us....and to do it fairly in her - and our - eyes. Why should my brothers be "penalised" for me having had children who were counted as an equal share? But why should my mother leave out her only grandchildren to give her children more money? She gave us each what she wanted to, despite our differing personal situations (whether we had jobs/debts/owned homes/partners/children etc)

It is the deceased person's wishes that should be accepted....however much or little you agree with those wishes. If they don't leave an explanation it must be very difficult to accept, but having an "expectation" is also a little unfair - how many of us know exactly how much money our parents have / owe? They may be millionaires or have debts to rival anyone on DFW - maybe they feel that their children don't need an inheritance because they see a good lifestyle, lots of holidays, new cars, big house etc....all bought on credit with an "expectation" of the inheritance to pay it all off.

When I die, my sons will get my life insurance and my partner will get my pension & my half of the house with all the mortgage paid off. I cannot justify making a will that means my sons have to sell the house they don't live in & force DF out just to get their "share".

MJay

I apologise for 'venting my spleen' in my last posting.... Yes Cred, it was another sleepless night.

Almo, of course your views are valid whatever your age.... But time does keep changing one's perspective and 'black and whites' are less distinct as each experience challenges one's views of the world. This sounds patronising... And I don't mean it that way......

Yes, Brokenhearted you are right, money doesn't equal love.....
BUT (in my personal experience of this moment) represents the last form of 'nurture' in terms of parental provision..... Because of all the many things particular to how my mother related to her children, her vehement views about 'fairness' and most of all, the things she promised.... My 'expectation' was rooted in the latter and I would much rather her 'wealth' had been spent on her own enjoyment/ comfort/ pleasure/ debts..... Whatever.

She begrudged herself even simple things (like clothes and underwear that fitted her changing form)....... What for...? And why didn't her 'chosen heir' respond to those simple needs knowing full well that within a short time she would have those costs paid back 20,000 fold?

Cred, I do have a solid 'friendship network' but already feel that people have heard enough of the damage to my spirit this has caused...... The 'seven year old me' inside my heart wants to shout "ITS NOT FAIR!!!"

The 'grown up' me KNOWS that life isn't fair......

Today I hope to: brush my teeth; have a shower; vacuum and dust; wash my bedding...... And make myself a proper meal...... Simple things that may suggest I value myself and life goes on.

Cred, your rich soul shines through your messages and I so thank you for being you......

Natty68

MJay, (((hugs))) to you hon. If it's any consolation I can totally sympathise with what you are going through, my mum died nearly a year ago and in her will I was left absolutely nothing, and I am her only child. I always knew mum didn't love me, yet it was me that was there for her when she needed me and it was me that did all the running around for her etc.. I was also the last person to be with her at the end in hospital. I suppose I had hoped that deep down there was some love there for me, after all she was my mother and a mother's love is supposed to be so strong..Well in her case she destroyed that when she allowed me to be raped when I was young.

At the moment I am trying to sort the will out with my two cousins she left it too, yet it is a long and arduous journey. There is still a house to sell, 12 cats to get rid of in her house and all her belongings to dispose of. They haven't been touched in under a year as my cousins want nothing to do with it all..

Sorry didn't mean to waffle on..

MJay

Oh Natty68........
Hugs back.......
Words fail me....

ceridwen

MJay wrote: »

Today I hope to: brush my teeth; have a shower; vacuum and dust; wash my bedding...... And make myself a proper meal...... Simple things that may suggest I value myself and life goes on.

...

Good on you - thats the spirit. Maybe just small steps - but its a start - you're heading in the right direction.

ceridwen

Natty68 wrote: »

MJay, (((hugs))) to you hon. If it's any consolation I can totally sympathise with what you are going through, my mum died nearly a year ago and in her will I was left absolutely nothing, and I am her only child. I always knew mum didn't love me, yet it was me that was there for her when she needed me and it was me that did all the running around for her etc.. I was also the last person to be with her at the end in hospital. I suppose I had hoped that deep down there was some love there for me, after all she was my mother and a mother's love is supposed to be so strong..Well in her case she destroyed that when she allowed me to be raped when I was young.

At the moment I am trying to sort the will out with my two cousins she left it too, yet it is a long and arduous journey. There is still a house to sell, 12 cats to get rid of in her house and all her belongings to dispose of. They haven't been touched in under a year as my cousins want nothing to do with it all..

Sorry didn't mean to waffle on..

I take my hat off to you for having such a forgiving, loving spirit. Whatever sort of mother stands by whilst her own daughter gets raped??.....words fail me.

You must be one heck of a strong person to get through everything you have got through......and come out the other end still caring about other people. You really have my respect for that.

Hugs to both you and O.P.:A

MJay

I am the original poster and the thread (like my mother) has died...

Quiet tears fall down my face as I read the bitter/ angry/ gutted and despairing words I wrote those weeks ago. My disinheritance has broken my heart. Nothing can change that now.....

The 'Executors' (both with familial connections with my sister - see earlier) eventually released a letter - obviously drawn up by the solicitor at the time the Will was made. The reasons are given... But are a poor reflection of reality and mereley serve to close legal redress. The cruelty of witholding even this for almost six weeks.... Says it all.

If anyone ever reads this, my purpose in baring my soul was to show any tempted, NOT to differentiate between your children in your Will - unless you prepare them beforehand and have the conversation so that they understand.....

I live moderately and can continue to do so... Money was NEVER the source of my anguish........ Even less so today, now that I know what my future does and doesn't hold.

I have revisited endless memories and now question whether my mother EVER loved me.... I now wonder whether I ever had what others take for granted and so many of my yesterday's are tarnished.

The only person who could have the conversation that may prove or dispell my myriad hurts has gone.........

Would you wish that on your 'loved ones' ........ For any reason...... Don't do it without the conversation...... You take the floor out of the survivors world.

What unspeakable cruelty is that?

Thanks to all who cared...... Particularly Cred.

M

Firefly

MJay, I understand just a little bit, how you feel. I hope in weeks, months and years to come you can move on from this difficult time but I know how monumentous something like our parents love (and their way of showing it) can be.

I wish you love and luck in the world. Best wishes.