Martins 'Moral Dilemma' becomes real for me.....

ceridwen

MJay wrote: »

Thanks for all the supportive comments. I spent many years trying to encourage my aged ps to free up the money and enjoy their own wealth. They maintained that it was to benefit us all and they had no use for more material things. Me and mine kept the house maintained (at their request) and also put a number of significant things in to make life easier or better. Nothing we did then is begrudeged now. More than anything it is the fact that my sister did nothing but take from my parents for decades and caused them worry.... Always with a strong sense of justice, my surviving parent has gone against their own lifetimes ethos and caused so much anguish and soul searching...... I am left wondering what I did wrong and what I could have done differently..... It has shook my foundations and I am struggling to find anything to get out of bed for.......

Yes, half of 120K would have been a godsend and made my life as a disabled person much easier...... But pain of deception is a thousand times the monetry issue...... I have written so that others can hear the pain and think long and hard when deciding their own wills.....

Please dont blame yourself!!! I can understand being upset re the money - but PLEASE dont blame yourself. From where I am standing it doesnt sound to me like you have done anything wrong - far from it. None of us ever really knows the workings of someone elses mind - no matter how long we have known them and in what context. We see examples frequently, for instance, where say someone has been married to a person for years even - and then that person turns out to be very different to what their spouse thought they were - that happens all the time.

Who knows how people might change mentally with the effects of age too - I have watched one of my parents turn more and more bitter and angry with life - and various other people in it as the years go by - and I worry that I dont really know either of my parents very well in many respects and I could turn round one day and find my father has decided to fall out with me as well - and I certainly dont believe I have done anything wrong in my relationship with him - and I know I mustnt blame myself if I find come the time that I end up in similar circumstances to yourself. What I must do if that happens is to tell myself that "yes - I know he does really love me - but age changed him and its something that wasnt under his control to prevent - but when I meet up with him again after I have eventually died as well, then he will be 100% back to his normal self - and it will be obvious once again that he does love me".

Just remember how your parents were when you were young - if they loved you then, then chances are that they still do - and its their age affecting them (rather than your behaviour towards them).

Believe me - from what you say - it doesnt sound to me like there is anything you could have done differently to what you did. This is not your fault.

floss2

:grouphug:

We were lucky to be given an equally-shared will by our mum when she died i 2005, yes "me & mine" got more in total than each of my brothers, but the way my mum had written it was that my DS's got their inheritance first, then what was left was divided in to 4 equal amounts for us 4.

If you ring the probate office, they should be able to advise on the procedure to halt the Probate process while the will's validity is checked. Probate Offices are usually part of the local Council. Alternatively, either CAB or a Law Centre may be able to help, if you do not wish to involve a solicitor at the moment.

However, it may be a costly process, and could result in all the money being swallowed up by legal fees. Maybe your sister could be persuaded to let you read the will paperwork and judge for yourself?

Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss - it's never easy losing a parent and takes a long time to reconcile yourself to them not being there.

ceridwen

floss2 wrote: »

:grouphug:

We were lucky to be given an equally-shared will by our mum when she died i 2005, yes "me & mine" got more in total than each of my brothers, but the way my mum had written it was that my DS's got their inheritance first, then what was left was divided in to 4 equal amounts for us 4.

Thats the arrangement my parents have - some for my brothers children - then the rest shared 50/50 between me and my brother. Not "equally shared" in other words - I will be penalised because my brother had children and I didnt. Hence the invidious position I have been put in - and I suspect my brother asked for him, his child 1, his child 2 and me to be treated as 4 equal people.

No wonder Wills are a subject that give a lot of "grief". If my brother and his children do get more than 50% the only silver lining to that cloud will be one less Christmas card to get each year (ie the one for my brother will be knocked off the list) - but I'd rather things were fair, so we can stay on reasonable terms with each other - rather than me cutting them out of my life, which is what would likely happen in that event.

eden37

My in laws have decided to give each grandchild a fixed amount in trust till they are 21 and the rest to be split between their 3 children ie my OH his brother and sister. We have 2 children his sis(who constantly drains money from them) has 4 and his brother has none!! I know his brother feels hurt that he is being penalised by not having kids yet helps his parents and is a good son to them. I feel like saying I am having twins just to see the look on his sisters face:rotfl: My mum is splitting her estate between me and my childless sister 50/50 which I feel is fairer . Ultimately it is up to the parent what they do with their money but they should think carefully about the emotional pain and rejection a child may feel by being "unfairly" treated in the will. They could at least warn the child in advance but this is a delicate tricky area. The the OP-my sympathies are with you,it is so hard to cope with a parents death without the added pain of feeling unloved or rejected.

ceridwen

My mum is splitting her estate between me and my childless sister 50/50 which I feel is fairer . Ultimately it is up to the parent what they do with their money but they should think carefully about the emotional pain and rejection a child may feel by being "unfairly" treated in the will. The the OP-my sympathies are with you,it is so hard to cope with a parents death without the added pain of feeling unloved or rejected.[/quote]



Thank you for that. I was feeling quite down after the previous post - from someone where "me and mine" had kept the lions share and she was congratulating herself on being fair. Goodness knows what the O.P. felt about that one!

It was a relief to see someone genuinely being fairminded - despite the fact that that is going to cost them money they might have tried to claim.

I do believe strongly in fairness myself - and I would be fair to my brother myself (though I am well aware how "grabby" he is and how he could find ways to justify keeping the lot for himself and his children if he had the chance!). It is best for siblings to get on with each other - so they have someone to turn to if they need to - but if one grabs at the expense of the others, then that is gone. There is coolness already between me and my brother because he has already tried to "grab" more than half - whereas we could get on passably and I'd be willing to help him out if he hadnt done so. A friend of mine has made an absolute point of treating her sons completely equally throughout - and has told everyone this will continue at death (an exact 50% each for them - despite one having more children than the other) - the result: they are the best of friends with each other and help each other out frequently - as they arent trying to grab from each other any chance they see.

(And you know what - what goes round comes round - the thought just struck me that I could probably be friends with you if I met you - but I know I couldnt be with the previous poster - as I would trust you to treat me fairly too and share expenses equally on outings - but that wouldnt be the case with the previous poster. I bet you have more friends accordingly because people do trust you generally.)

MJay

Dear All
I now have sight of the Will and see nothing that could prove any inconsistancy or duress. The property goes to my sister, the (probably small amount) money will be divided between us. The solicitor has indicated the executors decision to delay disbursements for six months after probate so i guess what little is left will be reduced by the running costs of the property until such time. I believe that monies have been drained for years prior, so I expect nothing.

Ceridwen, I think you and I would get on too.... I have an ingrained sense in fairness that I would have said came from my recently deceased parent until now.... Indeed we would share the bill or take turns in paying.

I am heartbroken and feel abused by the parent who so much took time, care, assistance etc. from me and mine AFTER the Will was written.....
Whatever happens, I am rich in all the many people who DO love me. My sister's heart can be measured by the same test.... She has only money to comfort her... I will not allow that bitter seed she has in common with the deceased be the latter's final legacy to me...

I would share a lottery ticket with you anytime Ceridwen.

PasturesNew

I have 2 sisters to leave my money to and I will treat them differently.

It's roughly a 2:1 split.

They both earn about the same.

I would give 1/3rd of my money to my older sister: because she had 10 years' head start on getting a cheaper house PLUS she is married so they've always had two incomes into the house. And they now have 2x pensions coming in

I would give 2/3rds to my younger sister, who has a mortgage 4x the size of my older sister PLUS she is a spinster, single, never lived with anybody and it is expensive living alone.

I figure at today's rates it would leave both of them in the same position roughly: mortgage paid off entirely and about 1 year's gross salary as "cash"

I felt that if I did a 50:50 split, the older one would have more cash than she really knew what to do with; yet the younger one wouldn't have any spare cash after she'd settled her mortgage.

Although, I'd like to blow it all myself on fast living and fit looking men to be honest.

duchy

I think so long as you explain your reasonin g (in your will if you prefer not to before) then that's a reasonable thing to do (but please explain somewhere)

vaio

PasturesNew wrote: »

……..Although, I'd like to blow it all myself on fast living and fit looking men to be honest.

Got a photograph?

ceridwen

MJay wrote: »

Whatever happens, I am rich in all the many people who DO love me. My sister's heart can be measured by the same test.... She has only money to comfort her... I will not allow that bitter seed she has in common with the deceased be the latter's final legacy to me...

I would share a lottery ticket with you anytime Ceridwen.

Well - I think you can take a lot of comfort from that knowledge that a lot of people do love you. Thats well worth having - you have something that many people with loads of money would give a lot to have - in having that. So - I guess the best way you can handle this is to keep giving thanks for all those people who love you - let them know how much you appreciate that they are there for you and try not to be bitter towards your parents and sister (the hardest part of all this I do know!).

As for the comment that you would share a lottery ticket with me anytime.........awwwwww! You know - thats the nicest compliment I have had for a long time. At my age I find that the compliments I have now re character mean more to me than the ones I had when I was younger regarding my looks. Character lasts....looks dont (dammit!)