Martins 'Moral Dilemma' becomes real for me.....

MJay

Duchy says it right.

Whatever you do, as long as there is some explanation it is fine. I would give anything for an explanation, understanding, comforting words....... Anything to suggest that I was loved by the person who now causes such heartache. It is the lies I cannot forgive i.e. that we would be treated equally. I would give my eye teeth for this to be a fraud - that I could forgive......

ceridwen

Well - I was looking for the "hugs" smiley - but cant find one - so the best I (or anyone) can do is to say that we are thinking of you and wish you peace of mind - and many more people who do love you.

How often does one long for an explanation of someones actions in life and a sign that one really was/is cared for? If only that was a rare thing to happen...but unfortunately lying/lack of explanations for something seems to be something that casts a blight on many people lives. I think many of us have been put in a similar situation at some point in our lives - including me - but please please try not to let it blight your life. Things like this do feel like a betrayal - and there will always be a "sore spot" there when you think about it - but I know I have had to tell myself when I was on the receiving end of similar treatment that I have to try not to let it embitter me and to try and move on from there and to bury the frustration as best as I can that I dont have an explanation for why I was treated that way. In my case the "betrayal" was not by a family member at least - but the circumstances of it were such that I could have/still could "hang the person concerned out to dry" very publicly and ruin their life (as they were very irresponsible in a way that would attract a lot of public condemnation for what they did) - or at least take a darn good shot at it - but I decided that I would also suffer in the process if I did that and decided not to do so. I have not forgiven and the hurt is still there...but for my own peace of mind I have tried to "bury it in my mind" as best as I can. That does seem to me to be the best way to deal with this.

anguk

I find it an awful shame when surviving members of a family fall out because of how a parent has chosen to leave their money. If there are 2 siblings, one with children one without, the parent may feel they are being fair by splitting everything equally between everyone, including the children.

My father (before he remarried) had a will saying that half would go to my oldest brother and the other half would be split equally between myself & 2 half-siblings. If this happened it would in no way affect how I feel about my brother, nothing could make me love him less or cut him out of my life. It's my fathers money and he can do with it what he wishes.

My mother-in-law had a very fair will, everything was split equally between her 3 children, the grandchildren got nothing. If one of her children died before her then their share would go to their children.

My grandmother is going to leave all her money to her only surviving son (my mother died quite a while ago), my mother-in-law always said that she thought that my grandmother should leave half to my uncle & what would have been my mothers share should be split between myself & my brother, especially as my uncle is very wealthy in his own right whereas me & my brother scrape by on the bones of our backsides! :rotfl:

I think my brother has the right attitude, he says he's going to retire early, sell up and enjoy his money and his son will just have to work for his money like he did! It does seem as if more and more people just expect to get an inheritance, even making financial decisions based on what they expect to inherit in years to come. In my mind that's madness, our parents have the right to leave everything to the local cats home if they wish, after all it's their money!

Broken_hearted

Hugs my parents are selling their house and blowing the money, which is best all round. My children will be put through uni or given the equivelant in cash for a house deposit. Then they are on their own. Its a hard situation to be in, hopefully over time you will feel better.

ceridwen

AngUk

I see what you are saying - but the point O.P. is making is not so much about the money per se (though obviously they could do with it). The point they are making - as I read it - is to do with fairness, honesty and were they really loved by their parents.

A promise has been broken - in that they were promised things would be left equally - thus they cant trust their parents to tell the truth. Their sister looks as if she is planning to hang onto O.P.'s half share of the house (as well as their own half share) - thus the sister cant be trusted to be a fairminded person. O.P. sounds like she could do with the money - so, when the parents had a chance to help her out and they didnt take it - then it looks as if they dont care about her welfare. Things may be different to this - but this is what the evidence seems to point to. O.P. says (and I believe her) that she urged her parents to spend their money on themselves and helped them to get their house comfy for themselves - hardly the act of someone selfishly intent on getting every penny for themselves I would say.

In my own experience - if my parents need to spend their money on adaptations to their house/meeting medical bills/etc and had to draw on the capital in their house to cover the cost - then that is what they have to do - and that would be understandable, as they would have used the money to meet their own needs. I could understand also if they blew the equity in their house on a wild round the world trip. What I myself could not understand is if the money gets left divided unequally between me and my brother - the reaction would be that I have been penalised for not having children (unlike my brother) and that I always wondered whether they preferred my brother to me and I would take it as proof that I had been right. As for lying - if I found my parents had lied to me then I would be left wondering if I could trust anyone at all - as, if one cant trust ones own parents, then who can one trust? I would also be left wondering about whether I had bad judgement of people - and would be scared to have anything to do with anyone ever again - in case I made further errors of judgement as to peoples characters.

It is not the money - but the principles at stake that are the concern here.

As to any further advice I have for O.P. - I was thinking that if and when it comes to it with my brother and myself - if indeed he and his children account for more than 50% of the money - then I feel I would probably write him a letter (not saying it in person - in case I "lost it"). I would get the most sensible, objective friend I have to "vet" this letter before I sent it. In that letter I would ask him to treat me fairly and take his childrens money solely from his own 50% share in the interests of fairness and point out that I would feel penalised for not having children as things stood. Having sent that letter - then I would know that I had done what I could and given him a chance to demonstrate that he had a conscience. If he chose not to take that chance - then I would consider it a waste of my energy to get tied up with anger and bitterness. I would just have nothing further to do with him - partly so that I would not have a constant reminder in my life of how he had treated me - as it would make it harder for me to get over what had happened if I still had contact with him. Partly too because I see no point in having contact with people who want to use me/take whats mine/etc in any context no matter who they are - I would rather spend my time and energy with people who really care for me and about me and he would have demonstrated that he didnt, so what would be the point? On the other hand - if he put things right - then he would gain my respect and friendship for having been more fairminded than I had thought he was. His choice.

...... and yes, if you are wondering, I could do with the money myself.....as, without it, I will never be financially straight and will spend the rest of my life worried about how I would pay for an operation or work on my house if I needed it and wont have a hope in hell of ever having a better house. But, even so, whenever my parents spend money on themselves, they do so with my blessing.

MJay

Dear Cred... I think I love you.......... Thank you for saying so well what I did not even know I wanted to say.....

For all of you who failed to see the point: I DO NOT FEEL LOVED BY MY MOTHER.

In what she chose, in how she lied, in how she used mine and my (late) brother's child/ren and me: to meet the gaps in shopping; to write the letters; to fascilitate the grants to make her home (now my sister's property) better; to cover up for the (illegal) carers' allowance paid to my 'poor' sister; to fix the lights; to sort out the noisy neighbours; to run to her whenever she felt frightened; to wash the soiled underwear my sister 'forgot'... and on and on ad nauseum....... I feel abused... for me, my children and my brother's children...

I feel was not only not 'loved' or 'cared for' or 'appreciated'......... I was a patsy........ To her and my sister.

I spent a fair preportion of my retirement fund on my mother.......... Some three years AFTER she had made her Will. In the last few months, I thought her attitude to me (and all the bits and bobs I bought her that she needed but "did not want") was about her love for my sister...... She even commented to me that she thought my sister brought her items she had purchased for herself (HUGE when Mum had become tiny)....... She could not look on me or my children kindly.......... We all now know why. Guilt, sadness, regret...... Maybe none of these finer feelings.... I now know I did not know her.......

Again, I share this for all to know how this feels. Spend on yourself..? Great!! And feel the dearth of state provision if you need assistance.

Give whatever to whoever...? Great!! be honest about it so that those who love you do whatever they do out of love.... And don't later feel 'used' because you lied or are left to later question your lack of care for them.

My mother was a sad, bitter woman who failed to look with joy on her child/ren, grandchild/ren, great granchild/ren.. In all their magical, wonderous, successes and shortcomings.

I will not be my mother.......

ceridwen

MJay wrote: »

I will not be my mother.......

....and that is the thought you must hold to. Do not be your mother - she was no worthy role model by the sound of it.

NOW.....I see the time you put in your last entry...the early hours of the morning. You have been having a sleepless night havent you fretting about this. Entirely understandable.

Right now....I suggest you allow yourself some time to "get this out of your system" - but not too long.... there is the rest of your life to get on with.

Maybe...as a suggestion........ think "okay....get this all sorted out/cry about etc till the end of this year" but then think 1st January "new year, new start".

Right this second - any chance of a walk in the countryside or seaside - somewhere nice anyway - this afternoon. Spend this evening listening to music, planning a nice meal you are going to cook for yourself and those who DO love you and an early night with the proverbial mug of cocoa.

(....thanks for the compliment again. Is there someone closer to hand than in the blogosphere like I am that you could talk to who will have the necessary "emotional distance/impartiality" that you could talk to about this? I dont know if you have a belief system of any description - if you do, then a priest/local vicar/monk who you could trust to be an impartial caring face? Hopefully, there is someone in this capacity near to you - not someone who would just mouth platitudes - but who is really there for people. If you do have access to someone like this - then they will have seen this sort of thing before - many things - and would understand better than many what you feel.)

Almo

Seems to me there are two different scenarios running through this thread:

1. Parents tell offspring all monies will be split equally. Offspring find out after parents' death that this has not happened. Offspring feel understandably hurt, bewildered and unloved.I understand this and hope the OP can find comfort somehow in memories of their parents.

2. Parents tell offspring whilst still alive, that monies will not be split equally. Offspring become upset and deduce that they are not equally loved.

To my mind, nobody has the right to an inheritance. It is your parents' money to do whatever they want with. If they have explained their reasoning to you, and you don't agree with it, that's down to you.

I would hope that when my parents die, I would be upset at the loss of two people who have loved and cared for me, rather than angry that they didn't leave me what I think is my fair share of the money they worked all their lives for.

ceridwen

Almo

If I was still 24 years old - as you are ("born 1983") then I might have felt full of the certainties about life you still do.

But.....a lot of "life" has happened to me in the last 30 years that I never thought would. Thats how things are for most of us - all those things we never thought would happen to us do one by one - or, if not us, then to someone close to us. Occasionally - its nice stuff happening that we never thought would - but not usually.

Almo

ceridwen wrote: »

Almo

If I was still 24 years old - as you are ("born 1983") then I might have felt full of the certainties about life you still do.

But.....a lot of "life" has happened to me in the last 30 years that I never thought would. Thats how things are for most of us - all those things we never thought would happen to us do one by one - or, if not us, then to someone close to us. Occasionally - its nice stuff happening that we never thought would - but not usually.

I haven't bothered to see how old you are ceridwen. I respect your views, and am truly sorry that you have been so hurt by your parents' decision. I hope it does not sully your relationship with your brother any further.

I would ask that you refrain from making judgements about how qualified I am to comment on such a scenario unless you have managed to glean far more from my very limited profile than I ever posted. My opinions are no less valid than those of anyone else, because of my age. In the same way, yours are no more valid than those of anyone else, because of your age.

I really do not mean that in a combative way and hope you will recognise that I am posting with opinions, not a direct attack on you.