It's Complicated

scoobysnax40

Hi last mile,

Just found your thread and finished reading through it all. Congrats on making the right decision - I was hoping you would leave, but wasn't sure you would have the courage. I do not agree with staying in a relationship just for the sake of it. My mum did that when we were kids and, in fact, is still doing it. Almost 41 years married and they couldn't be more miserable; it's almost like they are separated but they aren't. I guess after that long, they don't know how to break the routine.

I'm glad there are people out there who value themselves more than my mum did. You deserve so much better than what your ex was offering you, and I really hope you do find it with someone more deserving of you. And less controlling!!!

Smodlet

So, lastmile, how's it going and what's the what? Hope you are OK, wherever you are.

ajs88

This all sounds very similar...

For me I eventually had enough and said that I wanted to leave, he became very suicidal and I stayed, but the shock of nearly losing me did bring him out of his depression and his health got much better and then so did our relationship. So much so that I even re-fell in love with him and we moved abroad for a fresh start. After six months he got work and his health improved even more to the point of being well. But then he started seeing other women for 1-1.5 years inc. a main mistress that he fell in love with. During this time I was dragged through hell and my own mental health deteriorated. After it was admitted and I decided to separate I came very close to a mental breakdown as all of the hurt and suffering I felt over the years came out. I also suffered a lot of stress related physical issues too.

The below may sound very harsh but based on my experience (though not yours or anyone else) it's what I have taken away

1. No one with an illness should expect to be cared for if they are not prepared to care for them-self, strive to get better and accept medical treatment
2. No one being cared for is entirely incapable of giving at-least a little bit of care back
3. Those caring for people with MH issues tend to internalise hurt, forgo their own needs, and hide their problems from their partner, friends and family. This risks their own MH.
4. Threatening to leave can work in making someone get better/get help (if what is stopping them from getting better/get help is themself)
5. Someone getting better is no guarantee of anything
6. Once someone is better it is possible they will wish to escape you in order to escape their past and/or you won't be able to let go and forgive/forget all of the hardships.
7. Controlling and other behaviours that we excuse because of MH can actually just be them, and they'll still be there once they're better
8. Your mental and physical health should be the most important thing to you, if you have children then theirs too, but a partners should not come before your own.
9. You can never really know someone or know if they mean what they say. All you can really know is how they treat you, what they actually do for you and how they make you feel both when you're with them and apart from them, and if that has a positive or a negative impact on you and your life.

I'd also really recommend reading Women Who Love Too Much to anyone who has found them-self in a one sided care relationship.

https://books.google.ca/books/about/Women_Who_Love_Too_Much.html?id=CzAXvOjl-CoC

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

Just wanted to check in and say I hope everything is going well last mile x

last_mile

Hi All,

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted but I have been just taking it a day at a time.
It has been 15 weeks since I left and it feels like a lifetime.
I have had a big birthday and done so many things that weren’t possible before.

He is still in the Flat and I am still sleep on a pull out bed in my parents living room.
I am still paying my share of the mortgage and bills purely so I don’t get a black mark on my name because I know fine well he can’t afford it by himself.
I wasn’t ready to get into deep conversations about this so it works for me for now.

He started going to counselling 2-3 a month and had his depression meds reviewed.
His step-dad kept me updated on the general things just so I knew he was ok for peace of mind mainly.

I popped into the flat a few times while he was out to pick up things like mail etc and the place is a riot and I mean bad.
If I decide to take it on I’m going to have to rip up most of the carpets because he only has 1 litter box for 2 cats!!!

I decided at the beginning of sept that I would go away on holiday for 2 weeks to fully clear my head and think things through.
When I left he was still going on about fixing things when I get back, he wasn’t overly happy I was going away.
I was going away to try and make my plan on how to get him to understand and move forward.
Then I suddenly get a text on holiday 4 days before the end that he “has to” tell me by text because he doesn’t think he can to my face that he is happier since we separated.

So I am unsure if this is the truth or a ploy he thought would make me come running back but it hasn’t worked.
I politely told him how proud I was of the “progress” he made and I was happy too.

I now need to start considering how to brooch the whole flat situ. It’s a mortgage between the 2 of us.
I could take it on myself but not sure he’d agree.

He won’t move back to his mums (blames her for some of his issues).
His step dad is about to leave his mum (she doesn’t know) because she is just like him/he was.
He has told me that looking in from the outside he can see it and will back his step-dad.
His step dad said he can move in with him but he “likes his own space too much no he has it”
Im just not sure where we will go.
I suspect it will be a forced sale and that will cost a lot of money (wont it, lawyers etc)

Comms69

last_mile wrote: »

Hi All,

I know it’s been quite a while since I posted but I have been just taking it a day at a time.
It has been 15 weeks since I left and it feels like a lifetime.
I have had a big birthday and done so many things that weren’t possible before.

He is still in the Flat and I am still sleep on a pull out bed in my parents living room.
I am still paying my share of the mortgage and bills purely so I don’t get a black mark on my name because I know fine well he can’t afford it by himself.
I wasn’t ready to get into deep conversations about this so it works for me for now.

He started going to counselling 2-3 a month and had his depression meds reviewed.
His step-dad kept me updated on the general things just so I knew he was ok for peace of mind mainly.

I popped into the flat a few times while he was out to pick up things like mail etc and the place is a riot and I mean bad.
If I decide to take it on I’m going to have to rip up most of the carpets because he only has 1 litter box for 2 cats!!!

I decided at the beginning of sept that I would go away on holiday for 2 weeks to fully clear my head and think things through.
When I left he was still going on about fixing things when I get back, he wasn’t overly happy I was going away.
I was going away to try and make my plan on how to get him to understand and move forward.
Then I suddenly get a text on holiday 4 days before the end that he “has to” tell me by text because he doesn’t think he can to my face that he is happier since we separated.

So I am unsure if this is the truth or a ploy he thought would make me come running back but it hasn’t worked.
I politely told him how proud I was of the “progress” he made and I was happy too.

I now need to start considering how to brooch the whole flat situ. It’s a mortgage between the 2 of us.
I could take it on myself but not sure he’d agree.

He won’t move back to his mums (blames her for some of his issues).
His step dad is about to leave his mum (she doesn’t know) because she is just like him/he was.
He has told me that looking in from the outside he can see it and will back his step-dad.
His step dad said he can move in with him but he “likes his own space too much no he has it”
Im just not sure where we will go.
I suspect it will be a forced sale and that will cost a lot of money (wont it, lawyers etc)

£5-10k is fairly typical.


usually there's a number of hearings required, culminating in the court ordering either you or themselves powers to sign documents on his behalf.

swingaloo

This all seems so familiar to my past with my ex husband. I finally walked after wanting to do so for so long.

It was hard, I was sleeping on a roll up bed in a grotty flat as I couldn't go to anyone else as he would have found me and caused problems for them.

I went through a bit of the same thing as you shortly after leaving. Our wedding anniversary was a month later and he booked a meal for us and the kids telling me that they would all be disappointed if I didn't attend. The kids were grown up and felt as awkward as I did at the meal. Then I went back for 2 hours on Xmas Day for dinner and that ended with him telling me he had invited our neighbours in later (as we always did) and so stay a bit longer. Which then led to him having too much to drink and begging me, egged on by our next door neighbours to please come back.

My phone would go non stop with messages and text going from tearful pleading to anger, all manipulation. It took till I met someone else and got a place with him for my ex to realise that it wasn't a 'thing I was going through'.


What did he do- married one of our old friends and then treated her exactly the same way he had treated me. He died in hospital a couple of years ago and we were both with him at the end, still trying to manipulate both of us.

Both myself and his second wife have had long talks about how he was and we can finish each others sentences, he didn't learn from me leaving, he carried on his behaviour into his second marriage.


A leopard does not change his spots.

last_mile

oh dont we know it @swingaloo what i wouldnt give to see inside his head.

He tells so many different lies I'm amazed that he can keep them all straight.

the other day i told him i needed a few things - he told me he'd "post them out through the letterbox".
got angry when he discovered i had been in the house, said i was sneaking around.
his attitude amazes me sometimes.

Comms69

last_mile wrote: »

oh dont we know it @swingaloo what i wouldnt give to see inside his head.

He tells so many different lies I'm amazed that he can keep them all straight.

the other day i told him i needed a few things - he told me he'd "post them out through the letterbox".
got angry when he discovered i had been in the house, said i was sneaking around.
his attitude amazes me sometimes.

Don't go round there. It could be very quickly turned against you.


Arrange collection via a friend or family member of pay for it to be posted

thorsoak

As you are still paying the mortgage, you are entitled to come and go in your flat as you please .....but I would advise you to (1) let him know when you intend going round and (2) take along a friend/relative (maybe dad or brother?) when you do go round. At the same time, have your phone on video/record ....just in case!