Want husband to leave.... but he won't.

redmel1621

jjj1980 wrote: »

OP, I would really support the advice of others in contacting Women!!!8217;s Aid. They are amazing and will be of huge help. My experience of similar to you is:

After leaving and filing for divorce from my ex, I was accused by him and his family and friends and even some of my family and friends of only marrying him and having a child because I wanted a wedding and a baby. We married in July 2009, separated in January 2010 and the divorced was finalised in May 2012.

What they all refused to acknowledge was the level of abuse I had had to put up with from him within days of the wedding. Not only emotional abuse but financial and physical. All of it carried on after we separated until he was issued with a written Harrassment Warning by the police and threatened with arrest.

Examples of his behaviour are hewould text me 30-40 times an hour asking where I was, who I was with and if I didn!!!8217;t answer within seconds, he would be ringing me. God forbid I ever had to turn my phone off of the battery died, there would be 10s of voicemails waiting for me.

When still together, he managed to work out my PIN number for my bank account and I less than two weeks, took out the last £3000 of my redundancy money. I was midway throw them the pregnancy with my daughter and suffering life-threatening complications so was unable to work and that money was to see me through. Turned out he was spending it gambling, taking drugs and drinking to excess with his mates. He was running up rent arrears without me knowing as he was hiding all the post that arrived.

For the relatively short period I put up with it, I lived in absolute fear of my phone ringing and me not answering it. I darent go visit anyone in case he rang as I could never know what attitude he would have and he would often be screaming down the phone at me. He even said changing, bathing and feeding LO was not an excuse to not answer and that she would have to learn that he was
more important.

After a particularly bad morning dealing with him, I went to a Women!!!8217;s Aid drop in at the local hospital ante-natal clinic and I!!!8217;ve never regretted it. Within an hour I was sat with a solicitor that specialised in family law, particularly women escaping abusive relationships. During the divorce, even my ex!!!8217;s own solicitor put in writing to him how abhorrent his behaviour and language had been.

I took my marriage vows meaning every word but I never agreed to be abused, took advantage of, threatened, treat like my feelings were of no concern. My ex even said he believed I had caused the pregnancy complications just to make his life difficult and that I was not to expect any help or assistance from him for either me or LO.

He still refuses to support LO financially despite there being two lots of child support debt out with bailiffs and due to his behaviour, he is only allowed telephone contact with LO. However because he shows he the same attitude he does me, she more often than not refuses to speak with him. His friends and family still think it was all my fault and any proof shown to them that just say is fake. Even accused the police of being people in fancy dress who I must have paid to go scare him!

That all sounds horrendous. I am so sorry you went through it. It sounds alot worse than I have to deal with, but tbh I have just given up fighting to go out as that is kind of how he is. When I was at work (unfortunately out of work at the minute due to contract ending) if I didn't answer the phone every single lunchtime he would send numerous texts and phone loads and even phone my workplace number and say he needed to speak to me urgently......

SnuggleBuggles

Hi. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Have you got any family you & your children can move in with? At least in the short-term, while you figure something out. They would be able to shield you from your husband if he came looking for you. You need protecting especially whilst you're feeling alone and so vulnerable.

I agree with the other posters about contacting WA. If only for advice. Be brave. I really don't think you will regret it.

Sending you love, hugs and strength.

Poor_Single_lady

I don't really understand all the people telling you to work on this. Never mind you - your kids deserve better.

And the person that said his behaviour won't get him sectioned - well I wouldn't be so sure it you had a social worker that it wouldn't.

redmel1621

So another argument because he wants us both to go to visit people (my brother/his dad)...I'm not in the mood to play happy families... How can he be? we have to go and collect our eldest from work in half hour anyway, so what's the point of visiting people right now.. I say "we" have to collect son, because I want to go, but am not allowed to go on my own so my only option is to go with him.

He is claiming that I am free to do what I want when I want...but I'm obviously not, otherwise we wouldn't even be arguing!? He says he will never follow me again as we are over because I am so horrible and not the nice understanding person he thought I was... I'm so upset. I in no way want to be a horrible callous person. I do try to understand that he has his issues.

How do I decide what to do. I am ready to move out, in fact I am ready to just walk the streets. I won't go to family/friends because I don't want them to know what is going on. It's my mess and I'll just deal with it alone.

Something is keeping me here and making me feel guilty. Maybe I am over reacting and he truly doesn't mean to be like it.

I feel so confused.

System

Somebody suggested you contact https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ earlier in the thread...they will help you more than we can.

jjj1980

What is keeping you there is his emotional abuse. He sounds totally narcissistic. Making out you are responsible for him feeling the way he does and that it!!!8217;s your fault he has to follow you etc. Just his comment about your relationship being over over as !!!8220;you are not the understandings person!!!8221; he thought you were. When really it!!!8217;s that you are starting to stand up for yourself and he has to push he blame on you as he cannot possibly be at fault!

Read number 9 about negative emotions:

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201409/10-warning-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist%3famp

I had all the same feelings of not wanting to admit to family what my ex had done, how I was being treated and I felt I had to deal with it on my own. Once I did tell family, other than a couple of idiotic responses from a select few, the majority were really supportive. I found I always had someone at the end of a phone if I ever needed anything.

ViolaLass

You don't need to hide this from friends and family and you don't have to go through it alone.

They'll find out in the long run anyway.

Just leave.

freshstart11

comments like that...its gaslighting. Making you doubt yourself and question everything to deflect away from their actions.

Please contact womens aid. I was in an awful relationship with my husband and one day i just found the strength to walk. best thing I have ever done. He said then he would refuse a divorce - 7 years on and i still don't have it. don't care anymore.

Please give them a call and speak to them, if nothing else

unholyangel

OP I did start writing a super long post yesterday but didn't bother positing it as I didn't get it finished and I figured the thread would have moved on since. But now I wish I had.

Often people who are with someone who is controlling and abusive don't realise it because a) the abuse isn't obvious like physical violence and b) their partner has them on the defensive all the time with accusations (about how everything is always their fault and not the abusers) so they never really get a chance to stop and analyse the abusers behaviour.

It gets to the point where the person being abused doesn't even trust their own judgement. They start questioning themselves. Just like you've done in one of your most recent posts.

The next time he says you're a horrible person etc just smile and say that since he thinks you're such a horrible person, he won't want to stay married to you a second longer than he has to. If he starts shouting, just walk away (or out of the house if need be). He'll soon get the message that his old tricks aren't working.

Marisco

redmel1621 wrote: »

So another argument because he wants us both to go to visit people (my brother/his dad)...I'm not in the mood to play happy families... How can he be? we have to go and collect our eldest from work in half hour anyway, so what's the point of visiting people right now.. I say "we" have to collect son, because I want to go, but am not allowed to go on my own so my only option is to go with him.

He is claiming that I am free to do what I want when I want...but I'm obviously not, otherwise we wouldn't even be arguing!? He says he will never follow me again as we are over because I am so horrible and not the nice understanding person he thought I was... I'm so upset. I in no way want to be a horrible callous person. I do try to understand that he has his issues.

How do I decide what to do. I am ready to move out, in fact I am ready to just walk the streets. I won't go to family/friends because I don't want them to know what is going on. It's my mess and I'll just deal with it alone.

Something is keeping me here and making me feel guilty. Maybe I am over reacting and he truly doesn't mean to be like it.

I feel so confused.

Put the bolded bits together and it makes sense. He's making you feel guilty, by turning it on to you. Abusers are very good at that, making it your fault for their appalling behaviour. You have two choices here, a) leave him and make a life of your own, or b) stay and be miserable. I know which one I'd take.