Want husband to leave.... but he won't.

Tabbytabitha

redmel1621 wrote: »

He can't look after them. He is probably better with them now they are all getting a little older, than he was... but he can't cope with them. Whether this is simply due ot mental health issues, I don't know. I agree that financially he may manage.

I don't believe he is as fed up as I am. He visits friends, goes to the shop, runs the kids about to clubs (as I am not allowed to) and stops off places on the way to or from these clubs... He has all the freedom he could ever need. He has been away on courses etc... I am not even allowed to go the local shop on my own.

It is precisely me nipping to buy a birthday card, from the local shop, with my daughter this morning that has been the final straw.... He absolutely flipped because I went. He was in the bath and we needed to get her to a birthday party.. I kept telling him we needed to get ready to go, but he just kept saying "I am now" which is what he always says and is always late to everything... so I told him I was going to buy the card while he got out the bath and dressed... he flipped out... screaming at me. I went anyway. he must have got dry in record time because he was chasing me down the road in our other car...

Surely this is not normal behaviour? Maybe I'm wrong... I don't know anymore.

I'm certain he doesn't want to lose his children.... neither do I... what do we do?

I'm sure it isn't normal behaviour but then your husband's mentally ill. Living with someone with a disability is always going to be challenging, I'm afraid.

Mojisola

redmel1621 wrote: »

I know what I have to do I just don't think I can do it. I'll just shut up and put up, as I have for years.

If you can't do it for yourself, try and do it for the children's sake.

barbiedoll

Giving his behaviour a “mental health” label doesn’t alter the fact that you and your poor children are living with an abusive, controlling bully.

Do you really want us to give you reasons to leave? Ok, here are a few.....

Your children will be irreparably damaged by his behaviour. Your 15 year old may be the most like you, either in looks and/or temperament. Is that why your husband bullies him too? Your 17 year old has grown up with this for his whole life. You say that he may stay with his father. I wonder how your son will treat his future partners? Let’s face it, he has no knowledge or experience of a normal, loving relationship between partners.

You have been damaged by this behaviour. No, it’s not “normal”, and is nothing to do with his “disability” Having a disability is not an excuse, nor a reason, to treat your fellow human beings like dirt.

This is not just emotional abuse. He has sponged off of you for most of your life together. This is financial abuse. You don’t have to live like this.

Your children will not care about their things. I can guarantee that at least 3 of them will be so relieved to see the back of him that they really won’t care about anything else.

Call Womens Aid as soon as you can. You do have a way out.

pinkshoes

I think it is about time you stopped putting up and shutting up, and got on with living a normal life with you and the kids.

Don't tell him if you are going out. Just go. If he runs after you screaming, film him and document it.

TELL him how it is going to be from now on.

TELL him he needs to get a job to pay for his car.

Always film/record his reactions as evidence that perhaps might get him sectioned.

His behaviour is controlling.

If he is capable of going out and about in his own, then you can too, and he is clearly able to get a job.

Stop being afriad, stand up for yourself, and make a better life for you and the kids.

Your LL sounds nice. Could you speak to him, end the tenancy, and rent somewhere else with just you and the kids?

Poor_Single_lady

Not an expert but would a social worker be able to help. If you have one already then you need to explain what is really going on.
They can do more than people think.

Your kids shouldn't be in that environment.

moneyistooshorttomention

I'm not sure whether he is mentally ill as well as having this very controlling behaviour. Is he maybe getting labelled mentally ill because of this controlling behaviour (and possibly his obvious laziness - ie not having a job if he can possibly help it) or is he mentally ill on top of this awful behaviour iyswim?

I'm saying this because I wonder if someone (perhaps himself) has given him this label as a "get out of jail free" clause thing - and that has been causing you to pull back a bit on giving him the responses you might otherwise have made to him (ie telling him a good deal more firmly that he either "behaves normally or he's out the door"). I wouldnt have stood there arguing with him - my foot would have been outside the door and I'd have been off.

Difficult to say without being in that position - but I know I'm thinking "I would have just gone out any time I decided to go out - and he'd have been left whinging into thin air as I vanished down the road" or "sitting in his car outside a shop I'd walked into - as I'd vanished out the shop's back door and gone off elsewhere".

But - I would agree that this marriage needs to be declared Over and it's preferable for him to be the one to move out. You could then take out an injunction forbidding him coming within a certain distance of the house to stop him forever bowling up and berating you at the front door.

redmel1621

Thanks for all the replies. I am reading. I am absorbing.

I told him last night that it is over and I want a divorce. I told him I am fed up of it. He said he won't move out... I told him fine, but he can't stop me from moving out... He said he will go around and tell everyone we know just how I treat him with his mental health issues and that I am not caring or considerate towards his mental health problems.....

This is his reason for chasing me down the road in the car...

"I saw my car key gone off the plate (which is where we chuck keys...I took his because mine was upstairs in the bedroom) and thought that my key had been stolen and that you had got daughter into car, then come back inside, and someone had stolen my key and driven off with her in it"

That to me makes no sense anyway! Besides the fact that it is nuts, hy would he even have gone over to check on the plate for the car key...maybe he thought I had gone in a different, imaginary, car? If he said he was going to the shop I wouldn't go and check what key he had taken... I would assume he has taken whatever key he wanted to and has gone to the shop and will come back.

In reply to whether he has an actual MH issues, yes he has OCD. He has had the free NHS sessions of CBT and he is on medication, but I don't believe he takes it all the time as he claims he doesn't need it....

I've told him I want a divorce, he said he won't give me one. We had another massive row this morning. he turns every argument away from the actual issue... he started saying (not in these exact words) that my argument in invalid and I am annoyed over something completely different. So he will turn it round to something completely unrelated and say Oh you are just annoyed over that etc etc... If that even makes sense.

My daughter (she is 8) heard the word divorce in our argument (the kids were all upstairs) and when I went up she said she doesn't want us to get a divorce she wants us to all stay together in the house...

John_Jones

redmel1621 wrote: »

My daughter (she is 8) heard the word divorce in our argument (the kids were all upstairs) and when I went up she said she doesn't want us to get a divorce she wants us to all stay together in the house...

Well, if you want a counterpoint to the previous suggestions, this is the man who you promised to stay with through the good times and the bad, and you are considering taking his children away while he is dealing with a mental illness. If you frame it from this side the answer is possibly not so clear.

Counselling, therapy, or finding ways to cope, and explaining what his behaviour is doing to you could be worth another try before you in effect hit the nuclear button.

System

redmel1621 wrote: »

He has made me numerous cups of tea which I have left.

Sounds rather childish..

pinkshoes wrote: »

Always film/record his reactions as evidence that perhaps might get him sectioned.

I had to double-take when I read that.

Filming someone getting irate or excited is not going to get that person sectioned. And he could easily play tit for tat and film her getting angry.

But I am unclear as to what form exactly this OCD takes. It affects different people differently.

rach_k

You don't need to divorce straight away. Just because he says he won't allow it doesn't mean you have to stay with him. You can just separate for now.

What children want and what children need are often different things. You are their mother, you need to do what is best for them. If you think it is unhealthy for you to live with him (and possibly unhealthy for them to live with him, or at least for them to see how he treats you), you can live separately and arrange where the children live based on their needs and each parent's ability to be a parent. You can reassess arrangements as their needs and your (his) abilities change.

While it's true that you promised to stay together through sickness and health, you did not promise to live with being abused. It doesn't sound like he is getting any better while you are together. Perhaps some time alone will give him the chance (and the kick up the back side) to sort out his mental health. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to back off.