Want husband to leave.... but he won't.

redmel1621

Hi,

I know this has been covered a few times, but none of the threads I have read really apply to my situation, so I thought I would ask for advice separately.

My husband suffers with mental health issues, but although he is on medication, I still am unable to live normal life. I am not allowed to go anywhere on my own. If I say I am going shopping, or to a friend's house he comes with me. He barely goes out alone, instead whinges and whines and has a go at me, until I go with him.. I feel like a prisoner.

We have been married 15yrs and together for 23yrs and have 4 children. We rent the house we live in and don't have huge amounts of debt, the main debt we have is the car we took out on finance and this is in his name. He got this car in the short time he was working last year (9months) and he isn't currently working. In fact in the 23yrs we have been together he has probably worked a total of 5-6yrs... he alays has an excuse for not working. It is always me that has paid the bills, with the help of tax credits or housing benefit to top up my wages..

Anyway... I have had enough. I want him out. I am fully prepared to pack up my things and take the 4 kids with me, but there is no way he can afford a 3 bed house and I would much prefer to stay here with the kids as it is an ideal size, an ideal location and no upheavel to them if we stay...

It makes so much more sense for husband to move into a 1-2 bed flat. locally so he can still see the kids...

Is there anyway I can get him to move out legally?

marliepanda

redmel1621 wrote: »

Hi,

I know this has been covered a few times, but none of the threads I have read really apply to my situation, so I thought I would ask for advice separately.

My husband suffers with mental health issues, but although he is on medication, I still am unable to live normal life. I am not allowed to go anywhere on my own. If I say I am going shopping, or to a friend's house he comes with me. He barely goes out alone, instead whinges and whines and has a go at me, until I go with him.. I feel like a prisoner.

We have been married 15yrs and together for 23yrs and have 4 children. We rent the house we live in and don't have huge amounts of debt, the main debt we have is the car we took out on finance and this is in his name. He got this car in the short time he was working last year (9months) and he isn't currently working. In fact in the 23yrs we have been together he has probably worked a total of 5-6yrs... he alays has an excuse for not working. It is always me that has paid the bills, with the help of tax credits or housing benefit to top up my wages..

Anyway... I have had enough. I want him out. I am fully prepared to pack up my things and take the 4 kids with me, but there is no way he can afford a 3 bed house and I would much prefer to stay here with the kids as it is an ideal size, an ideal location and no upheavel to them if we stay...

It makes so much more sense for husband to move into a 1-2 bed flat. locally so he can still see the kids...

Is there anyway I can get him to move out legally?

If he is on the tenancy, then no.

What I would suggest is serving notice to quit (whilst at the same time, telling the agency that as long as theyre okay with it, you do actually want to stay but need to do this to get your husband to have no legal say on the property)

You may have to go through a bit of a show of packing etc and hopefully this wont mess up the kids too much if youre like 'were leaving (so they dont give the game away) oh no Ive changed my mind!'. Im sure with good humour youll be fine.

The car if the debt is in his name then its his car probably, and I wouldnt fight him over that.

fabforty

It does sound as though you moving out is a good option, if your marriage is genuinely over.

How old are the children, and do they have to go with you? Is he incapable of looking after them alone (because of his mental health issues)? As a single dad, he would be entitled to benefits, plus child support from you, so financially he would probably be able to stay in the house, the children would remain in their home and you and your husband can build separate lives, if that's what you want.

He may well be as fed up as you are, but perhaps his reluctance to leave is because he doesn't want to lose his children.

onomatopoeia99

redmel1621 wrote: »

It makes so much more sense for husband to move into a 1-2 bed flat. locally so he can still see the kids...

Or you could move out into a small flat, and the kids could stay with him in the ideal home.

redmel1621

marliepanda wrote: »

If he is on the tenancy, then no.

What I would suggest is serving notice to quit (whilst at the same time, telling the agency that as long as theyre okay with it, you do actually want to stay but need to do this to get your husband to have no legal say on the property)

You may have to go through a bit of a show of packing etc and hopefully this wont mess up the kids too much if youre like 'were leaving (so they dont give the game away) oh no Ive changed my mind!'. Im sure with good humour youll be fine.

The car if the debt is in his name then its his car probably, and I wouldnt fight him over that.

Yes, it is a joint tenancy. It isn't through an agency though, it is direct with the landlord. I wonder if I can have a new tenancy agreement written with just my name on it.

Oh yeah, he can take the car.... it'll be repossessed after a month or so as he can't afford it.

marliepanda

redmel1621 wrote: »

Yes, it is a joint tenancy. It isn't through an agency though, it is direct with the landlord. I wonder if I can have a new tenancy agreement written with just my name on it.

Oh yeah, he can take the car.... it'll be repossessed after a month or so as he can't afford it.

You can if the landlord agrees but you need to sever the joint tenancy first.

redmel1621

fabforty wrote: »

It does sound as though you moving out is a good option, if your marriage is genuinely over.

How old are the children, and do they have to go with you? Is he incapable of looking after them alone (because of his mental health issues)? As a single dad, he would be entitled to benefits, plus child support from you, so financially he would probably be able to stay in the house, the children would remain in their home and you and your husband can build separate lives, if that's what you want.

He may well be as fed up as you are, but perhaps his reluctance to leave is because he doesn't want to lose his children.

He can't look after them. He is probably better with them now they are all getting a little older, than he was... but he can't cope with them. Whether this is simply due ot mental health issues, I don't know. I agree that financially he may manage.

I don't believe he is as fed up as I am. He visits friends, goes to the shop, runs the kids about to clubs (as I am not allowed to) and stops off places on the way to or from these clubs... He has all the freedom he could ever need. He has been away on courses etc... I am not even allowed to go the local shop on my own.

It is precisely me nipping to buy a birthday card, from the local shop, with my daughter this morning that has been the final straw.... He absolutely flipped because I went. He was in the bath and we needed to get her to a birthday party.. I kept telling him we needed to get ready to go, but he just kept saying "I am now" which is what he always says and is always late to everything... so I told him I was going to buy the card while he got out the bath and dressed... he flipped out... screaming at me. I went anyway. he must have got dry in record time because he was chasing me down the road in our other car...

Surely this is not normal behaviour? Maybe I'm wrong... I don't know anymore.

I'm certain he doesn't want to lose his children.... neither do I... what do we do?

redmel1621

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Or you could move out into a small flat, and the kids could stay with him in the ideal home.

They wouldn't stay with him. My eldest (17) might, the other three wouldn't at all.... He is not very nice to our 15yr old. He is constantly on his back. He has always accused me of having an affair and him not being 15yr old dad, so has never liked him or treated him particularly lovingly. The other two children are 8&9 and would want to be with me.

It is only "ideal" because of it's size and location, oh and it's price. The landlord hasn't put the price up in the 11yrs we have lived here and all the other houses this size are around £150 a month dearer.. it is a run down and the landlord ignores any issues... boiler leaking/broken fences etc... but we have made a home here....

I just wish he was different and it hadn't come to this. I don't want either of us to move out. I just can't cope with feeling trapped/locked up all the time.

marliepanda

redmel1621 wrote: »

It is precisely me nipping to buy a birthday card, from the local shop, with my daughter this morning that has been the final straw.... He absolutely flipped because I went. He was in the bath and we needed to get her to a birthday party.. I kept telling him we needed to get ready to go, but he just kept saying "I am now" which is what he always says and is always late to everything... so I told him I was going to buy the card while he got out the bath and dressed... he flipped out... screaming at me. I went anyway. he must have got dry in record time because he was chasing me down the road in our other car...

This may come under psychological abuse and 'controlling behaviour'

I do not like to call 'abuse' at things when I am not being asked to look at it from that angle, but no it is absolutely not normal behaviour.

With that in mind it may be worth calling Women's Aid.

AylesburyDuck

Isnt there something about coercive or controlling behaviour in the new domestic abuse laws, does anybody in the know ,know wether he can be removed via this route to start and then have his name removed because of this?
Nor being allowed out on your own certainly comes under this new law. Is he also controlling of the money you earn?
EDIT,
Marliepanda beat me too it.

redmel1621

If I wait 10yrs, my youngest will be 18. I can then leave without causing any upset to the kids as they will all be adults.

But my mum lived a miserable life with my dad, an alcoholic who beat her... she stayed "for the kids benefit" I always maintain that she should have left him years and years earlier.... She thought she was shielding us but we saw the marks, we saw her red eyes after crying and we felt the tension in the air.. the awful atmosphere that made non of us want to be in the house. We would either play out from morning till night or stay in our rooms... none of us would spend time around them...

Granted I am not living with an alcoholic, and he doesn't beat me, so not particularly comparable... but I am miserable. I hate myself for staying with a control freak that doesn't let me live a normal life... He stalks me to work... numerous times I have come out of work to see our car driving off.... or I've seen him in my rear view mirror following me, trying to stay a few cars back.

I doubt I will do anything. I can't make him leave. I can't bring myself to drag the kids away from all their things. I have no money to get a house to rent and how would I even get all our belongings... I just don't even know how to do it. Plus he would just continually stalk me and the kids in our new home anyway, so what's the point.