Want husband to leave.... but he won't.

redmel1621

John_Jones wrote: »

Well, if you want a counterpoint to the previous suggestions, this is the man who you promised to stay with through the good times and the bad, and you are considering taking his children away while he is dealing with a mental illness. If you frame it from this side the answer is possibly not so clear.

Counselling, therapy, or finding ways to cope, and explaining what his behaviour is doing to you could be worth another try before you in effect hit the nuclear button.

I know! Which is why I am still here after 23yrs together and 15yrs of marriage. I have tried and tried and tried.... I am still trying.

Which is why I haven't just packed and left after the latest incident...

I can't even repeat on here the foul and outrageous things he was screaming at me yesterday, in front of our daughter. I'm pretty certain most women would have walked out the door there and then.

I don't love him anymore, I don't even like him...in fact if he walked out the door right now and vanished I would be ecstatic. I am not a horrible person I promise, but when it comes to him I hate every single thing about him. But yet, here I am still trying to make this marriage work. Still trying to not split up the family.

redmel1621

z1a wrote: »

Yep, I thought that as well, - Jackanory time.

Thanks for calling me a liar.

redmel1621

avogadro wrote: »

Sounds rather childish..



I had to double-take when I read that.

Filming someone getting irate or excited is not going to get that person sectioned. And he could easily play tit for tat and film her getting angry.

But I am unclear as to what form exactly this OCD takes. It affects different people differently.

It probably is childish, but I'm fed up of him doing this. He just wants everything to go back to the way it was... it has been like this for years and years... I eventually get annoyed at not being allowed to go out the door and cause a fuss, he makes it up to me by actually cooking a meal or hoovering, by buying me a cake or making cups of tea AND everything goes back to the way it was... no changes... it just carries on until I eventually say something again...

So if it childish, I don't actually care.

As regards filming him, I have been tempted, but instead I am just going to write a log of events.

mangog

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Please ignore the unhelpful pedantic comments - I'm not sure why others are picking holes instead of focusing on the main issue.

This man is abusive and the way he treats you is NOT OK, mental health issues or otherwise. You don't have to put up with it. As others have said, there are domestic abuse charities and organisations who can help you and your children. Abuse is not just physical and from what you've said, you're being subjected to emotional abuse. This is not your fault and there are people who can help so please do speak to someone if you are able to.

A close friend of mine was in a similar situation and ended up having to get a restraining order against her partner, but she did get out. It was the best thing she ever did. She's now engaged to a wonderful person and hasn't looked back.

Alias_Omega

Hi there,


I did type a massive reply below, but then i thought... lets ask this..

"When was the last time you went away together (without children)" or on a "Date Night"?. #stuckinmum&dadmode.


There will always be 2-sides of a story, and we only hear 1-side here. Some posters might be male, some female; some might have even been through what you, or your husband are about to go through.

Today is Day 1, i would consider sleeping somewhere else tonight/tomorrow and possibly leaving the kids in place for now. He is a parent, and will have them stay in the future. It might be a bit late, but its half-term and possibly arrange an overnight stay at friends.

See how you feel tomorrow...

jjj1980

OP, I would really support the advice of others in contacting Women!!!8217;s Aid. They are amazing and will be of huge help. My experience of similar to you is:

After leaving and filing for divorce from my ex, I was accused by him and his family and friends and even some of my family and friends of only marrying him and having a child because I wanted a wedding and a baby. We married in July 2009, separated in January 2010 and the divorced was finalised in May 2012.

What they all refused to acknowledge was the level of abuse I had had to put up with from him within days of the wedding. Not only emotional abuse but financial and physical. All of it carried on after we separated until he was issued with a written Harrassment Warning by the police and threatened with arrest.

Examples of his behaviour are hewould text me 30-40 times an hour asking where I was, who I was with and if I didn!!!8217;t answer within seconds, he would be ringing me. God forbid I ever had to turn my phone off of the battery died, there would be 10s of voicemails waiting for me.

When still together, he managed to work out my PIN number for my bank account and I less than two weeks, took out the last £3000 of my redundancy money. I was midway throw them the pregnancy with my daughter and suffering life-threatening complications so was unable to work and that money was to see me through. Turned out he was spending it gambling, taking drugs and drinking to excess with his mates. He was running up rent arrears without me knowing as he was hiding all the post that arrived.

For the relatively short period I put up with it, I lived in absolute fear of my phone ringing and me not answering it. I darent go visit anyone in case he rang as I could never know what attitude he would have and he would often be screaming down the phone at me. He even said changing, bathing and feeding LO was not an excuse to not answer and that she would have to learn that he was
more important.

After a particularly bad morning dealing with him, I went to a Women!!!8217;s Aid drop in at the local hospital ante-natal clinic and I!!!8217;ve never regretted it. Within an hour I was sat with a solicitor that specialised in family law, particularly women escaping abusive relationships. During the divorce, even my ex!!!8217;s own solicitor put in writing to him how abhorrent his behaviour and language had been.

I took my marriage vows meaning every word but I never agreed to be abused, took advantage of, threatened, treat like my feelings were of no concern. My ex even said he believed I had caused the pregnancy complications just to make his life difficult and that I was not to expect any help or assistance from him for either me or LO.

He still refuses to support LO financially despite there being two lots of child support debt out with bailiffs and due to his behaviour, he is only allowed telephone contact with LO. However because he shows he the same attitude he does me, she more often than not refuses to speak with him. His friends and family still think it was all my fault and any proof shown to them that just say is fake. Even accused the police of being people in fancy dress who I must have paid to go scare him!

JReacher1

Just go out on your own and say he cannot go with you. Unless he is going to physically force you to not go out he cannot do anything else. If he tries to physically stop you phone the police.

redmel1621

JReacher1 wrote: »

Just go out on your own and say he cannot go with you. Unless he is going to physically force you to not go out he cannot do anything else. If he tries to physically stop you phone the police.

I don't really have anywhere to go, plus he would just follow me. I only have one friend and I wouldn't go there as I wouldn't want to drag my baggage round there. He would follow me and make a show....

redmel1621

mangog wrote: »

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Please ignore the unhelpful pedantic comments - I'm not sure why others are picking holes instead of focusing on the main issue.

This man is abusive and the way he treats you is NOT OK, mental health issues or otherwise. You don't have to put up with it. As others have said, there are domestic abuse charities and organisations who can help you and your children. Abuse is not just physical and from what you've said, you're being subjected to emotional abuse. This is not your fault and there are people who can help so please do speak to someone if you are able to.

A close friend of mine was in a similar situation and ended up having to get a restraining order against her partner, but she did get out. It was the best thing she ever did. She's now engaged to a wonderful person and hasn't looked back.

This made me cry.... I dream to be happy and have a happy relationship.

JReacher1

redmel1621 wrote: »

I don't really have anywhere to go, plus he would just follow me. I only have one friend and I wouldn't go there as I wouldn't want to drag my baggage round there. He would follow me and make a show....

Start going for a walk on your own for thirty minutes. You do not need anywhere to go, you just need to go out without him with you.