Teenager and cannabis use

natbags

My son is 16 He has recently become involved in cannabis use and we are having increasing problems with him that are just becoming out of control
The background is that he has ADHD, has always been quite challenging – he doesn’t have the hyperactivity side, just lacks concentration and can be impulsive He does have medication. He is at boarding school and has been since aged 11 – it was suggested by his paediatrician as he had some issues with oppositional behaviour which was mainly directed at me (mum) as dad worked away quite a bit. School has gone reasonably well, hes very bright and clever. He is also very manipulative
He currently comes home around every 2/3 weeks for a weekend then obviously the school holidays

Over the last few months he has become involved in cannabis and his personality has totally changed, we’ve tried all sorts of tactics with him to stop this but he refuses and has no intention of stopping (even after a A&E admission for taking some 'dodgy' stuff), then la couple of weeks ago he was found at school smoking cannabis and in possession of it – he was excluded. They have only excluded him for a week as GCSEs are coming up in the next few weeks, however on returning school (after very lengthy conversations) its clear he has no intention of stopping this cannabis use.
As a punishment I have confiscated his laptop and sadly I can a little of what’s going on – it makes very, very sad reading and I can see he is actively encouraging others, telling many, many complex lies etc… to obtain drugs, money etc…
When he came home last weekend, my husband collected him from school and on the way home he became very abusive. My husband stopped the car (because my son has a history of becoming violent whist we are driving) my son then told my husband to ‘just !!!! off’, got his stuff and got out of the car. My husband just drove off (as you can probably tell, we are at the end of our tether with this) my husband was almost home (approx. 60 miles) when school called, he had made his way back there. They insisted that my husband return to school to collect him a second time. On arriving on the drive my husband had said to my son I hope you don’t have anything in your bag that you shouldn’t (drugs) and son assaulted my husband on the drive, the police were called, son arrested and the neighbour across the road had this on CCTV and came and told the police. We decided not to press charges, as we don’t want to hinder his future prospects and we hoped it had taught him a lesson. We had a long chat again over the weekend as we are desperately trying to keep the peace to get him through his GCSEs, as any further problems at school they will exclude him permanently, however his abuse has continued and school are still having problems
We just do not know what to do. Whilst the police were helpful at the time they reminded us that we have to keep him in education until hes 18 and we just don’t know what to do. Our relationship is in tatters and its having such a detrimental affect on my husbands health (he has a heart condition) and my own – we just don’t know what to do? In all honesty I’m frightened of him, terrified of him coming home again and being abusive and violent again and I feel we are trapped with absolutely no help available to us. My son will not entertain any help, as he doesn’t seem to accept he has a problem and hes been referred to CAHMS twice with absolutely no success at all
We are now so desperate, afraid and worried about the short and longer term and feel trapped

pipkin71

So sorry you are going through this, natbags. It cannot be easy for you, especially as he is your son. As hard as it is though, and however much you want to see that he has future prospects, there comes a time where you can't almost shield them from their actions, even though that is perfectly natural.

You say this is affecting your / your husband's health and your relationship is suffering. Perhaps now, if words are not enough for him to toe the line and he assaults your husband again, then follow through with pressing charges otherwise he may feel there are no consequences and will continue that course of behaviour.

I know that's easy for me to say. I'm not in your position and don't know what I would do if I was but in any event, I hope that being able to express how you're feeling is somewhat cathartic as it wouldn't be good to bottle things up.

natbags

pipkin71 Thank you for your reply, without doubt should he do it again we will press charges x

worried_jim

Get him to watch this weeks 999 what's your emergency? on channel 4 all about the consequences of skunk use on the users and their families. It doesn't bode well.

I hope you can get this sorted.

natbags

worried jim, thank you i will download it and get him to watch - must admit i havent seen it, but I will watch it too x

worried_jim

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/999-whats-your-emergency

http://www.channel4.com/4viewers/help-support/drug

Spendless

natbags wrote: »

Whilst the police were helpful at the time they reminded us that we have to keep him in education until hes 18 and we just don’t know what to do.

Whilst I can't help you with your issue. I just wanted to say this isn't strictly correct. Upto 18, kids need to be in some sort of education (doesn't have to be A levels/sixth form can be a college course) or training
- like an apprenticeship.

Primrose

If your son is obviously getting cannabis at his boarding school there are obviously security issues there on how he,s obtaining it and I think a serious discussion with the headmaster and board of governors is well overdue. Also it seems to me that there is a supervision issue here which should be addressed.

I can see that the school might regard your son as a disruptive influence on other pupils if he,s encouraging them in the use of cannabis but if he now has a record of being admitted to hospital because of its use, then he needs more serious supervision. Could he be kept at school and not let out to come home where his behaviour is now obviously having a serious impact on both your marriage and your husband,s health.

I really feel for you. It sounds a drastic thing to suggest but do you think him being moved to foster parents would give your marriage some respite and your son the drastic "kick up the backside"jolt he needs to make him realise that his behaviour is breaking his family up? Do you have any other children? If so, all this must be having a terrible effect on them too and their well-being also needs to be considered.

nobile

Really saddened me to read of your situation. Unfortunately I have no solution

I guess with so many posting on MSE about their 'catastrophic lives' because someone said something about them on Facebook and now their life is not worth living etc, I was half expecting your post not to match the title, but the situation is far worse that I expected.


Could it be Boarding School is the problem? Being away / isolated from family - and that manifests itself in the anger/violence etc?

Really wish you well!

ska_lover

Oh god Natbags I do not know what to say - this is a very difficult one.

We can tell you are obviously at your wits end and I hope I say supportive things and do not trigger any anxiety for you

I would say at age 16 , even if he was under your roof, you would struggle to stop him from smoking it, if he is determined - yes you could lock him in his room but that won't end well for anyone. You would not be able to watch him like a hawk and if you try you will destroy yourself

What are his plans at age 18? Will he be moving home?

It seems like the violence has gone on longer than the cannabis use so there are so many issues at play here

I know a few people who smoke cannabis regularly, and to be honest, I think they are all trying to escape something and if he has issues such as mental health issues, skunk can massively exacerbate these.

I think the time has come for you to get professional help, family counselling , or counselling for him alone - I don't know. I see CAHMS have been no help, how about going private for help

Would it help to bring him home, away from the surroundings he is in? if he is expelled then you may be forced into this anyway

Savvy_Sue

You may not be able to do much for your son, but you can do something for yourselves. http://famanon.org.uk/