Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

f0xh0les

How long until half term?
Have you anything planned?
What have you got to look forward to for you?
A girl has got to have something to look forward to (that actually has a physical date, not a swirly mist dream sequences type of ... in the future I will......).

With all the marking over summer, and new term starting, and changes in the family situation, and back to school, the old routine is now a new routine, and DS being upset, DD growing up, and not knowing who is on the other side of the door when the doorbell rings, or how long this whole divorce thing is going to take, or how much it is going to cost, to be frank (Hi! I'm Frank) how could you possibly not be stressed?
You'd have to be a total nut not to be worried and stressed, or one of those yoga bunnies who do the school run in lycra and wear big thick headbands to hide their antennae (cos they are secretly aliens you know), sorry I have issues with those people and their 'special' trousers. Your trousers are not special. Eat a bun. sorry. I have issues.

You still have all the stresses and strains of 'normal family life' without the pressure release of having someone (however useless) adult to spew it out toward at the end of the day. When you say it, it magically leaves your body, it is out there. You no longer have that.

Not suggesting you need a man size stuffed toy in the kitchen, or rescue a dog that coincidentally has the same name as xDH, or that you do it when anyone else is around (or they will lock you up), but there is a lot of power in just saying something out loud.
That is why there is such a huge market in life size Philip Schofield cardboard cutouts. At least that is why I tell myself people get them. Otherwise it could just be really freaky. And I don't want to go there.

Hope you slept better last night. Try and get something in the diary to look forward to. Totally useless hugs coming your way (virtual hugs).

Venting is not whining, it is an important pressure release.

Chrystal

crazy_cat_lady wrote: »

Where is the line between being tired and stressed and being depressed? I don't think I'm depressed, but then lots of depressed people say that... I haven't lost interest in things, but I feel like life is a bit much at the moment and I kind of want to run away and hide - I wish it was all over. Not life, just the divorce, and having no control over what is going on at the moment.
And the sleeping... when I'm well I can sleep ok, but when I'm stressed the middle of the night is when my brain goes into overdrive. I put the telly on in my room during the night because it distracts my brain enough to get to sleep again. That's why I'm struggling without it - I wake up when the cats wake me for whatever reason, then can't get back because I start thinking about everything that's going on and how helpless I feel about it. I have done that lcc, with no electronics etc but that only helps if I'm not fretting about other things as well. So I've been awake since 4 this morning - didn't manage to get over to sleep again.
As a result I've been very tired and emotional all day, with random bursting into tears. Not for no reason, but for trivial reasons... things that shouldn't be making me sad are making me cry (like my boss's grandad dying). That's why I've been wondering about my mood, but I think I just need to work through this and try and remember to accept what I can't change.
Work was hard. Then took ds to his swimming lesson, then came home. Heating had clicked itself on so it must be cold in here tonight. DD is out - it's her birthday and her boyfriend has taken her to Nand0s for her dinner. I have a load of work to do but I'm very well aware that I actually need a night of doing nothing much and just relaxing. But that might stress me out even more because I won't relax for worrying. Yes, this is how much my brain hates me at the moment.
I thought I would check in here, but I don't intend to do anything else online at all tonight. Telly and crochet, and winding down.

Write out this post on a sheet of paper. Book a DOUBLE appointment at your GP - you need more than 5 minutes, and ask GP to read it, You need some help and this post explains very clearly how you are feeling which will help the doctor to help you.
If you keep trying to struggle along on your own then things are likely to get worse... THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP..
Wish I had a magic wand to make things better for you, but I haven't so you need to start to help yourself NOW. If necessary take some time off work - stress is a killer and teachers are top of the list for suffering from it. You need to put yourself first at the moment, everything else will eventually fall into place if you can give it time. (((hugs)))

1LuckyLady

I can't really add anything CCL, those above me have put it so much better then I ever could have. :grouphug:

SeasideGirl

Hello CCL, I have been reading your thread over the last couple of weeks while still lurking, but now I've signed myself up I just wanted to add to what those above have said. I have just come out of one year in teaching (primary) and it is HARD! (changed job, still going to teach, but a different setting where I can have my life back too). It is exhausting, without dealing with everything else you have going on. I'm sure you wouldn't carry on with a broken leg without getting the right treatment, so do the same for your mental health too. Chucking in all the cliches here, but it's about putting your own oxygen mask on first so that you are strong enough to look after everyone (thing) else.

Anyhow, I'm waffling (I'm good at that...) - but have subscribed to your thread. Good luck.

foxgloves

No shame at all in seeking a bit of help, CCL. You do a demanding job & have a lot on with the divorce. It's a new stage in your life & new stages always take some adjustment. The divorce procedure won't go on for ever. I have a lot of stress in my life at the moment & I tell myself every day, 'This WILL pass', because things do, & then we can begin to move on. What I hope you're NOT doing (knowing how your mind works!) is beating yourself up regarding the divorce. You tried to make things work for a long, long time as well as holding everything together at home, so no need for self-recrimination there, Flower x

crazy_cat_lady

Thanks so much you lot. I really appreciate your thoughts and words. I will go back to my gp as long as it's not the one who never listens and just tries to get you to take anti depressants. Getting a gp appointment is a whole other stress though - they often don't have any at all, then the odd one pops up in the middle of the day that I can't get to. I know that there's no shame at all in getting help and I've had more than my share of medication and counselling over the years - it's just fitting it in with everything else in life. I'll keep looking into it though.
You know me well Foxgloves - yes, I have a huge amount of guilt associated with everything. The most useless and draining emotion, and normally a sign that things are tough. But quite often a good nights sleep changes everything.
And Foxholes, the next thing I can think of that is truly for me (and the kids) is a 4 day break during February half term that I couldn't really afford but booked anyway. The kids have never been abroad so I thought that it would be nice to take them. Still another 4 weeks at work until half term, although I am somewhat comforted to hear that most of my teacher friends have found this week particularly difficult for some reason.
I need to remind myself of the unhelpful thinking styles now and try and drag myself out of that. DS is sleeping at his dad's tonight, so I will have to see ex briefly later, but only long enough to say goodbye to ds. Then I'm thinking I might sleep on the sofa with the telly on all night. I have been up since about quarter to five this morning as well so ready for a bit of a rest and the telly will definitely help. I'm not sure what's going on this weekend - I need to do the food shopping and my Sky man is coming on Sunday but other than that, hopefully quiet. A lot of people say that I should do something just for me, but I'm really not sure what exactly that is yet. I just like to sit in front of the telly with my crochet, and try and forget everything else that's going on.
Thanks again all of you for your kind words. They are very much appreciated

beanielou

Just relax & enjoy your weekend.
If that means doing nothing then that's ok

crazy_cat_lady

Morning all. :coffee: :hello:
I'm stupidly excited that my tellybox will be fixed or replaced today. I can't believe how dependent I am on a box set and a bit of catch up tv, and the noise from my telly to distract my anxious brain during the night. The engineer rang me yesterday to say he should be here between 830 and 10 and I've been eagerly awaiting this visit since 4am when I woke up, with my worries very loud again.
Had quite a busy day yesterday, hence not checking in. I got up early (of course) and was in my local town by the time Aldee opened at 8. As is my new routine I got most of what I needed there, plus a couple of extra bits at Mr A and Mr S, and I treated myself to a bottle of my favourite fizzy pop at the v expensive M&S (80p a bottle but it's a nice treat). That gets me out of the house and also a bit of exercise as I park the car at Aldee then walk the 10 minutes to the other shops and carry my shopping back. Then off to my tutoring for the week - cash was much needed as it's still 5 days until payday and things are looking desperate. I must try and find a new budgeting app as I have binned off YNAB. Much as I loved it I can't keep doing with them charging me £80 every month - accident or not.
Caught up briefly with bestie, and then had a triage appointment over the phone with our local mental health services. I had forgotten that you can self refer. We went through everything on the phone - she doesn't think I have depression although I score very highly in terms of anxiety. Not really a surprise - nor was the fact that the waiting list to speak to someone is over 3 months long. I told her I would see my gp if I thought that I needed medication, and that I would try and find my rescue pack from my CBT a few years ago, and try some of the online help stuff. I also told her not to add me to the waiting list as I'm lucky enough to be able to access a counsellor through work. I have to remind myself that I have a lot of people around me that I can talk to - even if I am now utterly fed up of feeling this way and so very reluctant to bore people with it. With my current situation being as it is then it's not a surprise that my anxiety levels are as high as they are really...
Caught up with bestie but only for a very quick chat - less than I would have liked. She doesn't think I'm depressed either, thankfully, but has noticed that I'm starting to refuse to do things because of anxiety and worry it. I reminded her that I made chutney last week. :rotfl:
Then I had to go and collect ds from his dad's later in the day - ex isn't allowed to used his work van at weekends so I get to be the taxi as ds is too young to get the bus on his own. It was a bit awkward. I've seen a lot of ex this week, and am trying to establish some boundaries with regards to him coming to the house. I didn't let him in at all on Friday when he collected ds on his way home from work, and when he asked to see dd I sent her outside to see him. When I picked ds up last night he said goodbye to his dad, got in the car and I drove off without speaking a single word to ex. It doesn't feel nice, but that's what I have to do for now.
Anyway, the anxiety is good for something, because when ds mentioned that his dad still doesn't have a telly and just watches the iPad (which was mine) I suddenly remembered that it's all signed in with my account and therefore my phone messages and emails are accessible from there. I didn't like that, so I text ex to warn him, but I then wiped it remotely. I told him he can have the iPad but needs to set it up on his own account. Goodness knows how long he's been reading my emails and text messages for.
Then I weirdly got up (at 4am) this morning to find 72 new Facebook notifications. All him liking my posts. It's just all a bit strange for me to be honest. I still need to keep my distance though, for my own sanity. I know he has read on here in the past, but if he doesn't like it then he should stop and move on.
Minor victory this morning for me in that I finally located where the smell of cat pee was coming from. Their toy box. That's the second time recently. The box is washable but I'm not going to replace toys at the moment because there's obviously a bit of an issue somewhere I need to sort. Hopefully now I've cleaned it the smell will go before the telly man arrives.
Other than that I have no real plans for today. I should do some school work but I think I can probably manage without if I am prepared to take a risk. I'm already too tired to do a good job of it. I also quite fancy making something else food wise, although I will have to psyche myself up for that. I should though as last week was a success overall. I'm lucky in that we haven't had the constant rain that some of you have over the past few days but it isn't great out there this morning so a good chance to stay in and do nothing.
Telly man is here :j:j:j

crazy_cat_lady

I have a shiny brand new tellybox which is fully functional, but I have lost al of my recordings, which I'm less happy about. Never mind. I'm already excited about getting into bed tonight and watching tv.
Also decided that there was no time like the present to have a go at making some chilli jam. I got all the ingredients last week so I may as well use them. It's just cooling now and I'll head out and see what the damage is. I suspect I may not have been patient enough waiting for the sugar to dissolve but as this is a first attempt then it's only me I'm going to be disappointing.
I actually can't remember what I had recorded on the box, but I'm going to find something to watch now.

f0xh0les

to people reading your texts and mails.

Well done on being quick witted enough to wipe it remotely - I wouldn't know how!!

Suppose you might change all your access passwords. Just in case.