Things can only get better

Sun_Addict

Thank you all, your input means a lot to me

After this next holiday the secret days off will definitely recommence.

I joined a carers group at work but found that the others were looking after elderly people and I had nothing in common with them. A couple of other people have mentioned this - maybe I should set up my own non-elderly carers group at work?

Possibly I could go to the theatre with a friend, however, they all have their own friend circles for these sorts of things or they go with their partners. A lot of my friends don't live in the same county as me, it would have to be taken into consideration how I or they would get back home. I don't really have any local friends, Mr SA was so unfriendly in the past to neighbours that we've never really got to know them other than to say good morning. He's never been a sociable person. When I first met him none of my friends or my mum liked him. My mum came round when she realised it was serious but deep down she thought I'd made a mistake and warned me he was too possessive and I'd never have a life of my own or be allowed to have friends - she was right in the main.

I hate to admit this but I was considering leaving him only a couple of weeks before he became ill, I'd had enough. It scared me because I thought I'd jinxed things with what happened. Now I'm his carer and there is no way out. I feel awful saying this but it's how I feel and have felt for a long time, I just haven't admitted it.

Milann - Mr SA's alcohol cut down was for one night only I'm afraid. On the plus side he only drinks at night unless we're on holiday.

The only realistic thing I can do is have my secret days off, have meet ups with friends as often as I can, enjoy my holidays and try and enjoy simple pleasures like my long soaks in the bath, reading books, listening to music and exercising.

We've been to Aldi which killed several birds with one stone - the dog got a good walk, I clocked some Fitbit steps up, we've got plenty of cheap fresh food in for the week and Mr SA has been out on his scooter. I finally replaced my wok too, bargain at £4.99 as I love my stir fries - the old one had lost its non-stick.

Sorry for the negative rant but I have to get this off my chest - bottling it up is doing no good at all.

Be back later with September goal updates.

Pollie

Have you ever contacted Headway?

enthusiasticsaver

I feel for you SA and agree with the other comments that you must take care of yourself or you will be in no position to care for Mr SA anyway. Taking the odd day or evening for yourself to go to the theatre or cinema is not a crime and if Mr SA wont go with you then either reaching out to work colleagues or perhaps your daughter would go with you if you don't have a wide circle of local friends? No need to feel guilty about resenting your lack of freedom to do fun stuff. From the sound of it Mr SA was difficult even before the brain tumour but totally get you feeling trapped. Would your GP know of any contacts of people in similar position? Headway is a possibility but not sure how widespread they are throughout the country.

stepuptothepl8

SA, it's been said already, but bears repeating. You must look after yourself, and that includes your secret days off, and doing things you enjoy. I completely understand the trapped feeling, although not to the same extent. I was going to tell my DH that I wanted to separate 2 years ago but when he was made redundant I couldn't.. and I still haven't. There's never a good time. And mostly it's ok, it's not awful. He's not horrible, or violent, or mean. But I digress.. it's your thread, after all! It is completely ok for you to wish life was different, and to plan these treats for yourself. I think you do brilliantly, and we all support you a LOT

UncannyScot

Absolutely agree that you must take "YOU" time again.
You deserve and need to take time out to yourself.
Wish I lived nearby so that I could help you...

Toni'sfriend

I can only agree with everything everyone else has said. You really do need some support so you can have a life of your own. I would suggest asking your GP if there are any local groups or if you have a local newspaper you can sometimes find information there.

Take care.

brizzlegirl

Hi SA..thought of you as I drove past the airport near you a week or so ago.. and your many jaunts in the sun

Totally agree with what others have said, look after yourself and dont feel guilty. Not one jot. You need to have a life, preferably one you want to live, too. It cant be completely bound up with one person, vulnerable or not. Youre doing the right thing so keep on doing it.

So glad the new job is working out well for you

Xx

Sun_Addict

Thanks for listening folks and your comments have made me feel a lot better :A

I know I need some support. Headway is a local charity, I had contact with them when he first came out of hospital. There are carers groups but they all seem to be during the day or on the other side of town. Sometimes I think these places think everyone's got a car and no one works! I'm going to look into setting my own up at work if I can.

I've been busy all afternoon, I've made my favourite butternut squash, chickpea and lime soup for work lunches and two portions of fish pie with swede mash - one for tomorrow and one for the freezer. Tonight I'm having stir fry to christen my new wok

Progress on my September goals:

Budgets are set - slight overspend this week of £5.11 not too bad, doing ok so far this month. This week was quite spendy with the wine tasting and I paid £10 deposit for the works Christmas meal. Next week should be quieter.

Use up freezer/cupboard stocks - I've been doing this although I've added some.

1/8 NSDs - not great but time to catch up

Lose 2lbs - didn't go to WW yesterday so no idea what I've done this week. However, a meal plan for next week will be done tonight.

2/12 extra exercise sessions on top of walking to/from work
2/12 AFDs

Debt £2180
VSP £402.58
Emergency fund £4000.00
Vet bill £12.16/£517.16 - £505 to go! £5 to go before I can start crossing off those squares!

Credit card paid off today - all squared up

Decorate living room - ordered some paint from Wilko with a view to making a start on it next weekend. After that I'm going to freshen it up with a new rug, throw and cushions. No plans for major renovations until it's time to get a new sofa - still got a couple of years left on the DFS 4 years 0%. Also I'm going to replace the TV with a smart TV and put it on the wall. The old TV can then go in the dining room. This will free up some space as I can get rid of the TV stand.

Do some more to garden - no movement on that front

Declutter - managed to get rid of the coffee table I tried to eBay without success earlier this year plus a mirror and a picture to the local charity shop. Surprisingly Mr SA scooted past and asked them if they could collect and they did 10 minutes later. So he can be helpful sometimes - quite pleasantly shocked to be honest!

Going to have a lovely long soak in the bath shortly with a face pack, book, music, candles and a glass of wine. This is my sanctuary.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend and here's to a great week ahead for us all :beer:

beanielou

As I have said many times I just dont know how you do it.
Good idea to set up a carers group for younger carers.
Also so wished I lived nearer.
Good news on the stuff gone to the charity shop.

Keep plodding xx

Seasidegal58

Hi SA - I can only reiterate what everyone else has posted re Mr SA.

Could you not have a word with one of your friends who have their own theatre circle of friends about joining them one evening? Or have you ever thought of booking yourself a theatre ticket and just going on your own for a few hours break. I've done this myself over the years - my DSIs does it with concert tickets - she loves Michael Buble and her OH can't stand him! So she buys one ticket for herself and goes on her own! She says it works out tons cheaper than buying two tickets and she always seems to end up sitting next to nice, friendly people that she chats with at the interval etc!

I know that Mr SA moans about getting fed if you're out in the evening - I take it he can turn the oven on? From what you've posted it appears that he's very much a meat and two veg man and if you cook a dinner beforehand and leave it in the fridge he can then heat it up and you can have the evening to yourself.

I think I've posted on your diary before about my own controlling ex, and how he drove me up the wall - you've made the decision that you're staying with Mr SA and you've got to make some time for yourself out of the house doing things that interest you for your own sanity.

Please don't be offended by my comments above as I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings for the world as you have my total admiration.
X