Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

Torry_Quine

I thought it was interesting about whether or not to contact the bereaved on important dates. I always am in touch with my dad on the date his dad died and my mum's sister contacts us both on the date mum died. I also at least text dad on their anniversary and mum's birthday. It just seems like a natural thing to do and I will be very surprised if no one is in touch for my husband's birthday and the anniversary of my lose.

ScarletRibbons

So you've been told to "get a dog" as well Torry Quine. How crass and hurtful.

How can any thinking person imagine that a dog, however lovely, can replace a husband? Obviously they don't think. Wonder how they would feel in the same situation....,

sheilavw

I always think anniversaries are difficult days. I also think days like Mothers and Fathers day are.
I met a work friend for coffee today. Everyone is so kind. I don't want my sadness to dominate conversations so we chatted about lots of things. I am so lucky to have good family, friends and neighbours. I never let Mick see me cry, I have to stay positive and hope the progression is slow.
I wish you all a lovely evening

Torry_Quine

sheilavw wrote: »

I always think anniversaries are difficult days. I also think days like Mothers and Fathers day are.
I met a work friend for coffee today. Everyone is so kind. I don't want my sadness to dominate conversations so we chatted about lots of things. I am so lucky to have good family, friends and neighbours. I never let Mick see me cry, I have to stay positive and hope the progression is slow.
I wish you all a lovely evening

Interesting that you never cry in front of him . I cried often in front of my husband.

wort

Congratulations Elona how wonderful a beautiful granddaughter.
I also feel lucky that I have been supported over this last year by my amazing family and friends, who have remembered those horribly hard days.
There will always be those who ignore our loss , or don't know what to say. I'm afraid even though I realise that people don't know what to say I get upset by it, particularly those that think we get over it.
My hubby's nephew has just died at 44, and my brother in law been diagnosed as terminal at 62.
I don't know if I feel that suddenly death is all around me and I would love to go back In time.
I worried that I can't feel what it was like to hug him and hear his voice after just a year.
As for looking at the grief stages, I don't think I know where I am.
Sending hugs and comfort to all xx

sheilavw

Hi Torry,
I just don't like to cry because he is so strong and I suppose I don't want to upset him.
I am just off to my Daughters shortly. It's a long drive which I hate but I will take my time and hopefully do it in about 5 n half hours with a stop.

wort

Sheila I understand , I didn't tell my husband he was dying. Though he probably guessed, from diagnosis to death was just a week or so, I therefore didn't want to sit and cry with him knowing he couldn't comfort me. We tried to keep the bedside happy and positive having all his family and friends round. Everyone does things differently as we all think differently.
I hope you are ok, thinking of you.x

I've just found out that the store I work in is closing, I'm really shocked and worried, they are opening a small shop nearby but there will be only half the jobs available. At my age it's not that easy to get a job, and I'm not really trained for anything. I'm hoping to find out more in work today.

Torry_Quine

sheilavw wrote: »

Hi Torry,
I just don't like to cry because he is so strong and I suppose I don't want to upset him.
I am just off to my Daughters shortly. It's a long drive which I hate but I will take my time and hopefully do it in about 5 n half hours with a stop.

wort wrote: »

Sheila I understand , I didn't tell my husband he was dying. Though he probably guessed, from diagnosis to death was just a week or so, I therefore didn't want to sit and cry with him knowing he couldn't comfort me. We tried to keep the bedside happy and positive having all his family and friends round. Everyone does things differently as we all think differently.
I hope you are ok, thinking of you.x

I've just found out that the store I work in is closing, I'm really shocked and worried, they are opening a small shop nearby but there will be only half the jobs available. At my age it's not that easy to get a job, and I'm not really trained for anything. I'm hoping to find out more in work today.

As you say we're all different and how we deal with circumstances is for the couple themselves to decide. I did apologise to him for getting upset and he said to cry if i needed and gave me a hug. Oh how I miss those hugs. I would never criticise others for how they deal in terrible circumstances.

Sorry to hear about the job

joansgirl

I'm just over 8 years into widowhood (what a depressing word).

It doesn't get easier or better, you just learn to live with it.

I used work to distract myself and keep occupied but I retired last year and it was almost like a second grieving, I had too much time to think and brood. I have tried to keep busy but it's been one thing after another this year, bad weather, health issues etc which have prevented me from getting "stuck in" to anything and I've had to deal with the emotional fallout.

I seem to be back on an even keel now though, but I still think about him numerous times a day. My Doctor says I have survivors guilt because the one constant thought in my head is why him and not me?

As for anniversaries and his birthday....his sister texts me every year on his birthday and the anniversary of his death with just an X. That's enough for me, to know he's not forgotten.

lessonlearned

I think survivors guilt is probably something we all have to deal with. It's hard.

Realistically we do know that there is a 50% chance that our partner will die before we do but even so it doesn't really make it any easier when it happens.

As for tears......well I've always beeen a "bottler upper", weeping buckets in private but "putting a brave face on things".

Problem is bottling up my emotions only makes me ill. 9 years of being brave took its toll but I'm getting stronger and healthier again. It just takes time,

Wort ......sorry to hear about the job.