Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

lessonlearned

Thanks Sheila. Actually it was much easier this year. I'm wondering if the forthcoming house move has helped.

How are you getting on.

Blackcat......I know what you mean about other people not remembering. I found this too this year. I suppose it's inevitable, they have their own lives to lead and the death of our husbands really doesn't impact their lives the way it does ours.

I've been thinking about grief a lot, reading some websites. People talk about stages of grief don't they.

I think for me, possibly, hopefully, the worst might finally be over. What I am faced with now is how best to move forward, how to reach a place of serenity and contentment. How to embrace life and happiness again.

I still don't have any answers, still don't know what I want out of life, still floundering about. However, I think moving house will be a good start.

New house, new life.......

Blackcatsreturns

Thank you Elona and Sheila.
LL - the "change curve" is an interesting model. It describes the stages of change and can be applied to grief. Briefly the starting stages are denial and doubt (or anger). This is when we are looking to the past. We then move into uncertainty and confusion (living in the present) and then into acceptance and rationalisation and then as we start to look to the future we move into problem solving and moving on. The theory is that you can move backwards and forwards in the stages of the change curve and we each take as long as we need to move through.
It's much better articulated on various websites! Kubler Ross change curve.
I think I am in and around problem solving and moving on. That isn't to say that the grief has gone just that I'm coping with it differently.

sheilavw

Thanks for your replies. If I'm honest I just feel really really sad. I am glad that it's the school holidays and I'm off work. My Husband is going on his fishing break , sailing 3am tuesday to Ireland. He is really looking forward to it, although I will be nervous!
I am going down to my oldest Daughters in Colchester on the Tuesday until the Friday. It's a long drive, I hate it , but I've done it before. I will surprise our Grandson!

ScarletRibbons

Blackcatsreturns, I was interested in your comment about no-one remembering the anniversary of your husband's death.

A friend's mother had died, and I have (usually) a good memory for dates. The first anniversary was approaching, and I'd said to her,"it's nearly a year for your Mum, isn't it" and she snapped, "I don't need reminding when my Mum died, thank you very much"!

I felt terrible, and apologised, I had no intention to hurt or offend. I had known her Mum well, which was probably one reason why I remembered. It's made me wary of doing it to anyone else,

People are so different in their needs and reactions I suppose,

crv1963

For my Mum the anniversary of Dads death, she tends to avoid others and have only family contact, preferring to do the garden, when it's his birthday we tend to go out for a ride somewhere he liked, nothing big just a route he enjoyed to a town or village he liked. Then simply remember him, we all still talk about him and what we all did together.

Blackcatsreturns

Thank you Scarletribbons and CRV. It's easy to forget that it's not easy for friends and family of a bereaved person to know what to say or do. It's not helped that we are all different and that we will also change as time passes too. On the first anniversary I wanted to be alone and chose to go out for the whole day to keep myself occupied. On my way out of the house my wonderful neighbour (who was dealing with the dreaded dustbin day) just nodded at me at said "I know".
So thank you both for your perspectives - the wisdom of "strangers" on these boards is so helpful

happyandcontented

It must be such an awful day. On the anniversary of her husband's death every year I take a bunch of flowers to my neighbour and give her a hug. We don't speak about it, I just want her to know that he is remembered fondly by others.

ScarletRibbons

I'm fortunate in that my husband is still with me - I have no idea how I would react if I was widowed, It's unimaginable. We have been married for fifty years.

A widowed friend told me, (with a wry smile) that I would be amazed at the number of people who had told her to get a dog after her husband died. She also said that he would have had a good laugh at the thought of being so easily replaced!!

Torry_Quine

ScarletRibbons wrote: »

I'm fortunate in that my husband is still with me - I have no idea how I would react if I was widowed, It's unimaginable. We have been married for fifty years.

A widowed friend told me, (with a wry smile) that I would be amazed at the number of people who had told her to get a dog after her husband died. She also said that he would have had a good laugh at the thought of being so easily replaced!!

Yes I've been told to get a dog by several people even some who know I have a cat.

humptydumptybits

Good grief, how do they imagine a dog is going to replace your husband? I love dogs, I've had many over the years but they are hardly a replacement and not everyone likes them.