Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

lessonlearned

When I had DS1 it was too late for a Caesarian because he was already half way down the birth canal. I ended up with a high forceps delivery. The damage to me was horrendous. I had to be put back together again when he was 4 months old.

Years later, I suffered from some gynae problems that were a direct result and had to have two further lots of surgery to put things right. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but my GP was horrified. He said I should have been given a c section, he had warned them. Both my son and I nearly died. It was truly horrific. Luckily it was a different hospital.

That's why I was so relieved for DIL. I knew and she knew she would need a section, she's tiny and her mother and all her aunts have needed caesarians but they said they wouldn't do an elective. After nearly a week of false starts, bleeding and then finally only being 2cms dilated after hours of labour and the baby starting to get distressed they decided it was time to intervene.

I was getting so worried, the night she was in Labour I had terrible nightmares. Thank goodness it's all over. Perhaps they will listen to her if she decides to try again.

humptydumptybits

LL I can sympathise with that as well, my youngest was a high forceps delivery. I desperately didn't want another section and at 10lb plus he got a bit stuck! I haven't had any longterm problems though, my main issue was horrendous constipation afterwards as everything seemed to shutdown.


My doctor said I should write a book as I've had a home delivery, low tech hospital delivery, high tech hospital delivery, C Section. I've been induced and gone into labour naturally. I've even had one born en caul. He reckoned I could cover most eventualities. With the youngest I went in to be induced only to find out I was 5 cm dilated and I hadn't had a pain, now that is a good labour.

[Deleted User]

high forceps is truly horrendous, my niece had high forceps and they now have an only child. That mesh is dreadful, dd has no options but has her name down for abrasion, inner sanitary protection is shredded. They would not let her have an elective caesar. Even my 3 pregnancies left me with permanent problems, the massive jagged tear, the fact that I don`t go anywhere unless I know where the loo is. No wonder the rich and famous have caesars or midwives who bide their time and are patient and not at the end of their shift, telling me a 23 year old, to push and push when I was not really ready. Anyway, I have learnt to live with it and by golly am not the only one with similar problems, talking to my sister and a friend. The silent ones

humptydumptybits

I was lucky, 3 vaginal deliveries of 9 lb plus babies and no problems. I hated the section and was desperate not to have another.


I heard about the mesh on the Victoria Derbyshire show, sounds awful. They were saying lots of men are affected as well, I think it was after prostate surgery but I might have misremembered that one. Actually thinking about it I might have got that wrong, might have been hernia repairs.

lessonlearned

OMG.

So many butchered women. So many damaged lives. How many wrecked marriages I wonder......It's barbaric the way women are sometimes treated. Still. Even now. Even in the West, the so called First World.

Silent Ones indeed. And when we do try and speak out, we are fobbed off, mocked and silenced. We are silly hysterical women, oh you must depressed, here take these pills.

But......In a world where female circumcision is still rife, where child rape is not uncommon, where young girls as young as 9 or 10 are forced into marriage, where children of both sexes are trafficked and sold into sex slavery and where women and children are beaten and abused IN THEIR OWN HOMES should we really be surprised.

And when you do go to try and get yourselves sorted out to repair the damage that has been done to you, they patronise you and tell you don't be silly, it's all in your head, there's nothing wrong with you, it's your imagination.

Thankfully I started developing internal abscesses. I say thankfully because that's when they finally started listening to me and when I finally found a sympathetic gynaecologist who was able to effect the necessary repairs.

It only took 10 years. :rotfl:

I'm not bitter because in the end I got lucky. I was fortunate in that thanks to that wonderful gynaecologist I have healed and am whole again but I am angry that women are still treated so badly. That so many never get the help they need and go through life in discomfort and pain.

As soon as they said they were going to induce my DIL those alarm bells were deafening. But you trust, you say to yourself, surely they won't screw it up this time, and you offer a silent prayer to a God you don't believe in, please, please don't let her suffer.

Thanks to that anaesthetist they didn't. He fought her corner......but what if he hadn't been there? My poor DIL was too out of it to really grasp the seriousness of their predicament but my son confessed he was very badly shaken and very scared.

It's over. But I do wonder if it will be their only child.

And once again, it's times like that when the loss of my husband, my sons father is really hard. My son would have found great solace in my husband's presence. My husband would have known how to comfort, guide and advise Him, and would have found the right words of wisdom and support. I felt pretty useless.

There are times when a son needs his father and that was once such time.

[Deleted User]

I have to become more like my methodical engineer husband, time and time again, I have delved into his files about this house. Today, after my group cycle ride, I will get my new house file out. I have been putting paperwork in there but will also add a colour coding system for room by room. It will make packing easier, I fully intend to pack by myself, after doing kondo and pre-packing, it just means stashing in boxes. I have ordered lots of packs of 19mm coloured labels from amazon. So it will be a colour per room, much easier for the removers than my writing. I made sure to get removable labels and will also stick them on doors. Crikey, why does my stomach churn every time I actively think about this?

lessonlearned

Kittie.....I too still get the stomach churning when I think about my forthcoming move. And, despite steadily decluttering over the last couple of years, the fact remains I still have a lot of stuff. It's difficult not to feel overwhelmed.

At least there's a nice big shed in the garden for the overflow.....

I am parting with the obvious easy wins as I pack but there is still a lot of stuff I just don't know what to do with and some which really I should try to sell, rather than donate or scrap. After all I'm not made of money .....:rotfl:

i know it's not ideal but I'm going to just take it with me and then decide at the other end. Be systematic and get selling, some for the auctions, some for eBay or maybe try a couple of those local selling sites.I'll take my time and try and get good prices but even if I only get a few hundred for it all, it's better in my bank

Streamling everything and living a more minimalist lifestyle will make my life easierr in the future. Less cleaning and easy maintenance. But oh dear how does one part with all the sentimental stuff. And I still haven't attempted the photos......just can't face them.

Spoke to the surveyor. I am stil really no wiser. I have instructed further investigations so I will make a final decision when I get the results. I do like the house and I know I will enjoy the challenge of a.new project. I know I can make it a nice home but I'm a bit nervous I might be taking on a money pit.

I guess the way forward is slow but sure. Just move in, get the obvious remedial works done and make myself comfortable for the winter, Slosh some white paint around for now to make it less gloomy and then take it from there. Wait until next summer for any major works.

Anyway today it looks like being hot again so I will avoid the worst of the heat and stay indoors so I may as well do some packing and sorting. At least this house is nice and cool during this hot spell.

Acupuncture is going well. Have had 4 treatments, another 12 to go so early days yet but I think things are definitely improving. I'm sleeping really well and I feel less pain. Still got a fair way to go yet but I am happy with my progress so far.

humptydumptybits

Obviously some women have problems after childbirth but sections can be just as bad. After mine the wound got infected, the stitches burst and I was in a hell of a mess. I had pain from the scar for years and still don't have normal sensation. My scar itches but it is an itch that can't be scratched as if you try and scratch it then you find it is numb. Some days I think the itch will drive me insane. Ironic that I had the vaginal deliveries with no problem, well obviously a week or so to heal but then everything back to normal. We can't win.

[Deleted User]

your progress is good LL. I think you have a similar aim to me ie get in, be safe and warm and then work on projects over the next few years. I see brand new houses for less than I am paying and I too get that `shall I be sensible?` moment but life has to be an adventure, has to be satisfying. I would hate to have everything on a plate, no-one can ever downplay that very deep and fulfilling sense of satisfaction and achievement


I hope I don`t need further investigations after survey but am expecting to have to do so, trouble is that every expert now has to cover their backs, different to a family member accepting faults that in reality are pretty minor. We didn`t have a survey on this house, never had a survey anywhere except for a mortgage survey. Hubbie used to say that they were a waste of money, him being a structural engineer. Now that this carpet has been pulled away and I know that surveyor speak will, in reality, be much more scarey, seeing potential problems in black and white, bigger than they actually are.



I am back from my challenging cycle ride, did very well and was in the group that did the ride extension, I only walked a few minutes up towards the top of a long hill drag. Roll on losing more weight, it will make up for a heavy bike and now I have lost some weight, I wore lycra for larger ladies and felt extremely comfortable, it is like a self perpetuating aim, lose weight and exercise more

lessonlearned

I'm pleased with what I've done so far.

The removal man wants £25 to dismantle and reassemble any items of furniture, that's each item, 4 big wardrobes, two beds, dining table. Blow that. :rotfl:

I have almost emptied two big wardrobes so next week DS2 and I will set to and dismantle these and the king sized bed and then I can use that room for storing, dismantled furniture, some boxes and cases. The other two wardrobes can wait a couple of weeks.

Tbh having worked in the construction industry myself I tend to agree with your husband about surveys. They often aren't worth the paper they are written on. A lot of waffle, and a lot of back covering and yet they don't lift carpets, or rugs or even move items of furniture to get a closer look. These damp meters are not an effective indicator of damp, they are conductors, and you cannot inspect a roof purely by using binoculars. :rotfl:

Even getting a specialist timber report is not much help. Yes they will find and locate a patch of woodworm in the back bedroom because they have been directed to look there but that will not tell them if there is woodworm anywhere else because again they will not be lifting the floor coverings to inspect joists.

A good builder will often give a much better idea of what needs to be done and even then you can still uncover some nasty surprises once you start stripping it out. Hence the need for a healthy contingency fund.

I've looked at the new builds and whilst I would love a nice open plan house with bright shiny new fittings I don't want one that comes with shared access, parking issues, a postage stamp for a garden and small pokey bedrooms. Which is pretty much what my budget would get me.

The only way I would get a new build that met with my requirements would be to find a plot of land. Maybe one day but good plots are as rare as hens teeth round here.

So I'll just have to make do with a fixer upper, Rip it apart and start again......unfortunately that is not the cheap option it once was, especially now I am older and can't get as physical as I used to. And course two people working together makes life a lot easier. My husband wasn't especially skilled with his hands (more a brain man) but he supplied the brawn whilst I supplied the technical know how.

And the boys are too busy to be of much help this time. At least at the moment. So I'm on my own. Another reason to get fit, strong and healthy.

Whilst I too could do with losing a bit of weight, maybe 2 stones, I actually look ok. I'm tall so can carry the weight. But I would like to get stronger and more flexible.

I can ride a bike (just about) but I find it terribly uncomfortable so I'm afraid I won't be taking up cycling. I do have a stationery exercise bike so I'm hoping to set that up. I am aiming to set up a mini gym in my new house, initially using one the bedrooms but eventually building a suitable outside structure to serve as gym/workshop.

There is a large shed which I could possibly use, depends on what state it's in, although eventually I would want to demolish that so I can have a conservatory or sun room. But that's several years away.

My husband would have loved my new house......it would have made the perfect forever home for our retirement. It really is so sad.

I still feel very cheated. He was only 48 when he got sick, so his life was effectively over before he even got much further than the half way mark.

Oh dear I'm getting maudlin now...better crack on and do something useful.