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Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

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  • itsanne
    itsanne Posts: 5,001 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I can't allow myself to imagine a life without him that has any kind of meaning. It feels wrong. I feel like when he died so did I.

    Over the next few weeks there are all the dates when he had scans etc leading to his chemotherapy at the end of July and I remember every one starting with his X-Ray on the 29th June. When I mentioned this to someone they said I should do something which uses my ability to remember dates, not helpful
    Oh you poor thing, it's utterly beastly isn't it. It is still very very early days for you and the pain is still raw. I can't offer any real words of wisdom. There's no magic bullet, no panacea, no way any of us can take the pain away. It's just horrible.

    All you can do is ride it out and all we can do is offer our support across the ether.

    I am only too aware that anything I say might sound trite, or might come over maybe as patronising or condescending - which is never my intention. However, if I can give you one piece of advice it's this. Try not to think too far ahead, in fact try not to think at all. Just get through each day as best you can, one day at a time.


    Torry, exactly what lessonlearned says, especially the bit in bold. Eighteen months in, I still avoid thinking about all that time ahead. (My family is long-lived.) It's far too difficult and painful. Take things a day at a time for now.

    Although I don't share your experience of the build up to your husband's death as OH died completely unexpectedly, I do understand the difficulty of all the dates looming. I'm sure everyone else here does too. It's a bit like the lead up to the first anniversary, tortured by all the "this time last year" thoughts. I hope it will reassure you and jaybe a little, but that has eased now - hopefully that will happen with your upcoming dates once each of the first anniversarys passes.

    Things will gradually become more manageable, but it's a horrible process, a heavy price for loving someone.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
  • lessonlearned
    lessonlearned Posts: 13,337 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    Well I have woken up with that awful nervous feeling in the pit of the stomach, you know the one when you feel shaky and trembly, where if you let go, you could cry the house down.

    I have no idea why. I was ok when I went to bed, slept ok, can't remember any dreams or nightmares. The awful thing is there's no one to share these feelings with....except you lot. :rotfl: wouldn't want to worry my family.

    So why does this happen. You are chugging along feeling ok, not on cloud 9, but coping and happy enough, and then wham, from nowhere, another tsunami. Maybe it's the house move.....??

    Oh well I guess I'll just ride it out, like I've done before. Try and focus on something positive, do something constructive. Try and psyche myself up, get through another day.

    Kittie....I've never tried rescue remedy. Perhaps I should for moments like these.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 12,492 Forumite
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    That feeling, yes that was me yesterday, so close to tears, my eyes were prickling and that, for me, gives way to over exuberance. Thankfully that left me before bed and now I am down to practicalities, like looking at crime stats over the last 18 months, nothing fortunately in that area.

    I thought I would need rescue remedy today but am now calm and practical. Tbh, am glad I got that emotionality over with yesterday. Oh that feeling in the pit of the stomach LL, I get it too, the thought of leaving the safe space I am in now, it is like prising a sardine out of a can. Cosy safety and boredom or a new adventure ahead, no contest no rut, so I keep telling myself

    You are so right about sharing with you all, no-one in the family knows how scared I am and what it feels like to do it with this enforced singledom.Will I be brave enough to get this house, which is slightly out of sight. I will let you know later today
  • itsanne
    itsanne Posts: 5,001 Forumite
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    Sorry to hear that, ll. It's a horrible feeling, and the sense of dread always seems so pointless when the worst has already happened. The only good thing is that by now you know that no matter how horrible it is, it will pass.

    You have a very positive attitude to getting through the day, but maybe be a bit careful not to overdo things today too?

    I hope the feeling eases soon and you end up with as good a day as you can. Take care.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
  • lessonlearned
    lessonlearned Posts: 13,337 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    Awww thanks ladies...... I knew you would understand.

    I've just had a nice warm bath, washed my hair, feel a bit better. But yes Anne, you are right, I won't overdo things today. Might do a bit of tidying up in the garden although it might be a bit too hot later.

    Kittie.....hope all goes well today.

    I know what you mean about being scary.

    These things never bothered us when we had our darlings with us, moving house with our husbands was an adventure, full of new beginnings and hope. It's not quite the same now. Well maybe it is in the long run, but just now, doing it alone, it's just seems daunting.

    Daft because before I met my husband I lived alone and moved house several times on my own, just took it in my stride, buying and selling, making a bit of money each time, working my way up from my Council house roots and gradually becoming more "gentrified" along the way. :rotfl:

    Do we get more fearful as we get older or is it that widowhood eats away at our confidence.

    Anyway hope you all have the best day you can.
  • warby68
    warby68 Posts: 3,136 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I don't post much now as my mum is in a different phase these days but I do read along still.

    Something I've noticed about sudden hits of strong 'negative' emotion is that they often come when there is a wave of strong 'positive' emotion. Not sure I can explain it well but say you are very excited and positive about something (here it would be finding a new home) then other emotions seem to elevate themselves to an intense degree too. Its as if you can't just have a major shift in one emotion, the others have to have a good go at you too. I don't know if that makes any sense.

    And I agree totally on the house hunting and the 'this is the one' feeling. It takes about 10 seconds literally after entering a property to know if you could live there. If you have to think about it, it probably isn't the one. You can still then find reasons why it isn't a good choice but that pure feeling of 'I could live here' is instantly recognizable.
  • lessonlearned
    lessonlearned Posts: 13,337 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    edited 26 June 2018 at 9:22AM
    :rotfl::rotfl:

    I agree Warby, that is just what it is like, all the emotions coming at you at once. A real roller coaster.

    Pixar made an animated film called "Inside Out" where the emotions are seen battling it out for dominance. Joy, anger, fear, disgust etc. All vying for pole position. It's ostensibly a children's film so has a nice happy ending but it's very clever and it does have adult appeal.

    There's also a grown up sc fi thriller called "Equilabrium" which explores the same concepts, but that is much bleaker and darker. There are no wars because emotions are banned, books, art, music etc are outlawed. Shades of Orwell's 1984. Very interesting ideas though. Christian Bale is the lead, he is so good at portraying dark and bleak roles.

    He's my favourite Batman. :rotfl:

    Well i have managed to eat something and have had my caffeine fix so I am going to tackle the cellar - nice and cool down there today.
  • itsanne
    itsanne Posts: 5,001 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    warby68 wrote: »
    I don't post much now as my mum is in a different phase these days but I do read along still.

    Something I've noticed about sudden hits of strong 'negative' emotion is that they often come when there is a wave of strong 'positive' emotion. Not sure I can explain it well but say you are very excited and positive about something (here it would be finding a new home) then other emotions seem to elevate themselves to an intense degree too. Its as if you can't just have a major shift in one emotion, the others have to have a good go at you too. I don't know if that makes any sense.


    That makes perfect sense. That's often exactly what happens.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 12,492 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    spot on warby, that is exactly what happens

    Yes I am back. House belonged for 18 years to a couple he was very high ranking military and suffered a stroke 20 years ago, she, 20 years younger was his carer, he died and she has been offered a home in council run assisted living as she now has a debilitating skeletal condition. She was so wanting me to take all her furniture, everything. I had a very hard time explaining that I have a houseful of my own, this is what happens when you don`t do kondo soon enough, when young enough.

    The house is stunning, pre 30s and very solid, they renovated from a wreck, she now has no money as owes everything on equity release and no savings. Bathrooms are excellent, garage is very large and wonderful, garden is wonderful, neighbours are fantastic, so I am gearing up to make an offer, the house is very me. I would have to gut ie take out the fancy fitted old fashioned bedroom, the wardrobes in another room, the study in another and all the carpets. The paint needs fixing but the house is spotless and everything works although the boiler is old. Cavity walls were insulated with poly beads and the radiators are large and everywhere, so I would want to replace them, with modern more compact rads. Wiring seems good, although it should be checked. New kitchen in the future


    So here I go, just waiting for advice from my EA niece about an offer, I need to be lower than she would probably like but it needs considerable expense on flooring and plumbing and anything else that the surveyor finds and I would need to put in an exhaust fan over the upstairs shower

    Phew and now I am grounded
  • lessonlearned
    lessonlearned Posts: 13,337 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    Kittie......I am so glad you like it. Sounds great. You can get your teeth into it and make it yours. I'm so pleased for you. Keeping my fingers crossed.

    It's very hot here. I did some work outside and then came into the cool to rest. Watched a documentary called Minimalism AD. All about embracing simplicity. How to "have less and live more". Just what I'm aiming for.

    Your vendor sounds like mine. She kept saying "I'm leaving this, I'm leaving that". I'm still waiting for the contract and to see exactly what she is including in the sales particulars......

    I'm not going to make a song and dance about it. I know the house won't be very clean - seriously its like Miss Havershams house, but as long as she clears most of it I will just sift through what's left and probably donate it all or do some tip runs.

    Once I've got rid of the cobwebs and given it a good clean.... .:rotfl:

    She's old, frail and has enough on her plate. But, as you say Kittie.....very much a lesson to be Learned about getting rid of clutter and excess.

    I had to clean out my parents home, mum wasn't too bad, but dad was a terrible hoarder. It took weeks.

    I've made a start on both the cellar and garden today, they will be my focus this week.
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