Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

lessonlearned

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I can't allow myself to imagine a life without him that has any kind of meaning. It feels wrong. I feel like when he died so did I.

Over the next few weeks there are all the dates when he had scans etc leading to his chemotherapy at the end of July and I remember every one starting with his X-Ray on the 29th June. When I mentioned this to someone they said I should do something which uses my ability to remember dates, not helpful

Oh you poor thing, it's utterly beastly isn't it. It is still very very early days for you and the pain is still raw. I can't offer any real words of wisdom. There's no magic bullet, no panacea, no way any of us can take the pain away. It's just horrible.

All you can do is ride it out and all we can do is offer our support across the ether.

I am only too aware that anything I say might sound trite, or might come over maybe as patronising or condescending - which is never my intention. However, if I can give you one piece of advice it's this. Try not to think too far ahead, in fact try not to think at all. Just get through each day as best you can, one day at a time.

humptydumptybits

kittie wrote: »

hunpty, good luck and yes taking the train is what I would do too. `What if`, they are two words that can put stress on us for no reason, how many of us were always thinking `what if` and much of the time it comes to nothing. The important thing is not that `what if` but replace it with `so what` as in how to deal with it. I had that feeling about your dd, mine is similar, puts that barrier up as though it stops any bad happening


So now I am being brave and going just 40 minutes away, never been to this place and half the distance to dd. I have been listening! Have found a bungalow in need of re-furb and walking/cycling to shops and buses. The last owners were in there for a long time, so you can imagine. It all looks clean enough and it is empty and I saw it quite a while ago with a different agent on RM, no photos of bathroom etc but I am open minded. We`ll see, on wednesday

Fingers crossed, it sounds promising. Ultimately I would like to move closer to my DD, she is 100 miles away so too far to just pop in.

humptydumptybits

Oh dear, too hot for labour today. I've just walked to the local shops and bought more than I planned to so carried a heavy bag back. Had a shower first thing and feel like I need another one now.

[Deleted User]

oh I need you to keep me grounded.

First thing this morning I saw a beautiful red brick house in a secluded quiet area of an area I just started looking at. Then I saw the bungalow in a different small town but I have been back time and time again to look at the first very lovely brick property on RM. It is like it keeps calling to me, it has been beautifully maintained, turnkey condition, with a most gorgeous garden which is almost all grass. There is a study/bedroom downstairs and a shower/bathroom downstairs plus a shower room upstairs. It is a walk/cycle away from the facilities. The owner is going to show me around at 11. Why the heck why do I feel so emotional about a house. Everything but everything about it is what I have been craving


How in heavens name am I going to kill time until tomorrow? I see people on TV going wow and being emotional, I have never been emotional about a house before, let alone one I have not seen in the flesh.

Elona_2

Kittie

I have always had what I call a "ding" moment when looking at houses. The last one had me DH and middle dd looking at it (having driven past quite a few times to look at traffic patterns etc.) We had all just entered the large hall and all three of us just had the feeling that this was "right".

Maybe until tomorrow you could make a list of anything that might be a problem for you or questions you would want to ask about the house and the area.

Fingers and toes crossed for you.

Yesterday was busy as I did some baking for middle dd to take on a picnic (she borrowed the fancy new picnic basket) and older dd drove me to visit her twin and take her out for an hour. This morning I emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, hung a big load of washing outside and started cleaning the oven and shelves. Really hot today so pacing myself by putting my feet up with a good book and then spending maybe 15 minutes at a time doing stuff. All the dishes, glasses etc from the picnic basket have been in the dishwasher and are ready to put back and I had a late brunch and lots of diet drinks.

Hugs to all

[Deleted User]

Thanks Elona, I am onto resue remedy soon. I honestly have never been tearful over a house and this one will have to have something pretty wrong with it to stop me making an offer and it will be a cash offer because I will be draining my savings and my pension, ok will sort that out when I sell my house but in the meantime it will help me secure and potentially get some money off, keeping me in my comfort zone

I am actually going to get proof of cash ready for the EA, whom I will not be seeing tomorrow and again will have to drive into a strange town and find somewhere to park to find the EA, my weakest point is being uncertain of where to park, anywhere I go. So now I have to get printing and make a pack, I have a named solicitor and a recommended surveyor and who knows, maybe I will potentially have a new home by the end of this week

lessonlearned

Kittie......call me a romantic old hippie but I'm with Elona here. Yes the "ding".

For me buying a house is like falling in love. I have to have the "thunderbolt" moment. Without it, it just doesnt work. When I met my husband there was the thunderbolt, when we bought our first house together again the thunderbolt.

We had viewed dozens of houses but on the day we found "the one" we just knew, without even stepping over the threshold. We drew up outside the house, sat in the car, looked at each other and grinned. We couldn't have cared less what it was like inside.

I feel the same about the house I'm buying. Yes, I have my sensible head on and have of course instructed a proper survey but there will have to be something seriously wrong with it for me to change my mind this time. It took me 4 years to find it but I never gave up hope.

Go and see your red brick house tomorrow. See how you feel when you see it "in the flesh". You will know if it's right for you.

Trust your instincts and follow your heart and you won't go far wrong.

My DS1 felt the ding when he bought his House too. I could tell by the expression on his face as soon as he stepped through the door. He was grinning from ear to ear. Restoring it has been a labour of love and its his beloved home, especially now he has his wife and soon his baby there. Of course he's delighted that it has increased in value, but that was never his real motivation.

DS2 never really felt that way about this house and neither did I
it was just a project to make money, a First step on the housing ladder for him and a stop gap for me. It's a nice house and it has served both he and I well, but we have never truly "loved" it. It's always been more of a business deal than a home.

Buy with your heart and you won't be disappointed.

humptydumptybits

I've never been sentimental about houses. I've never fallen in love with a house. I think it is because we moved so often when I was a child because of the family business so when I was 7 I was in my 6th home and my 3rd school. I think it is why I don't collect clutter as my mother was ruthless about streamlining moves as she had to do it alone really with dad doing the business side. She could pack us up one day and the next day we would be somewhere new with everything unpacked. You can't do that if you are a hoarder.


My husband lived in one house from when he was a few months old until he was well into his 20s and his mother lived there till she died and he was in his 50s. He found it hard to clear it out and he is a hoarder anyway so it would take weeks to sort his stuff out.

jaybee

Tory - I am so understanding where you are just now. I thought I was doing quite well (outwardly anyway) but this evening I have had a huge meltdown simply because my 'phone pinged to remind me that it would be H's birthday tomorrow. Actually, I didn't need reminding Somehow I can't bring myself to delete the reminder.
For me it it is ten months (apart from a couple of days) and I also am going down every step of every minute event.

Apart from that I am enjoying hearing about all the exciting house moves (apart from the stressful and worrying part of it all). I do wish I could move but it would be impossible for me due to bad decisions in the past which have made it financially impossible.

~sigh~

Torry_Quine

jaybee wrote: »

Tory - I am so understanding where you are just now. I thought I was doing quite well (outwardly anyway) but this evening I have had a huge meltdown simply because my 'phone pinged to remind me that it would be H's birthday tomorrow. Actually, I didn't need reminding Somehow I can't bring myself to delete the reminder.
For me it it is ten months (apart from a couple of days) and I also am going down every step of every minute event.

Apart from that I am enjoying hearing about all the exciting house moves (apart from the stressful and worrying part of it all). I do wish I could move but it would be impossible for me due to bad decisions in the past which have made it financially impossible.

~sigh~

No I'm sure you didn't need reminding. Hope it isn't too difficult tomorrow.


I only have a small two bed flat but it feels big and empty. Last night I reached out for him in the night and sobbed my heart out.