Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

[Deleted User]

I have just done another m/s money thing wrt the savings thread and now my stomach is in my mouth. I really don`t want to be using savings for everyday expenses but have downloaded all my incomings and outgoings up to the end of august. Up to february I was `happily` buying whatever I wanted, I am not a spendthrft and then paying off the cc from my savings pot. This stopped in february when I joined that thread


I was in cloud cuckoo land until an hour ago, yes managing fine, even thinking about getting some back into the savings pot, after all there could be 30 years ahead and I would not want to be chucked out of a chosen care home. Some months are good and some not so good but feb to august is 7 whole months and most months involve sailing close to the wind at times, with pinch points. Managing on one person`s fixed income is actually very difficult and quite scary. Doing without hubbie`s state pension and losing half of his extra pension is far more than just gaining a small amount from council tax and food but there is nothing else, all other bills are much the same. Water, energy, car tax and insurance and service, petrol, house and contents insurance,broadband and telephone and the communal area management charge here. What a horrible reality check

lessonlearned

Oh dear Kittie.....sorry to hear you are worried about money. As if widowhood isn't hard enough but the harsh reality is I think that for many of us money is going to be much tighter now that we are on our own. As you say only one income and yet roughly the same outgoings. The council tax reduction doesn't really compensate for the reduction in our income does it.

I have chosen my bungalow with transport links in mind, just in case I have to forfeit my car at some point and have to rely on public transport.

I met a friend for lunch today.....also a widow and we talked about money. She has just taken early retirement for health reasons and is not eligible for her state pension for another 7 years bless her. But, like us, she knows how to make a penny do the work of two. It's a good job we have the skills to live simply and know how to be frugal.

I did let things slide for a while but now I am back to tracking my spending. I have worked out a rough budget for when I move but obviously I don't have all the final fugures in yet. I shall be monitoring my spending very carefully.

As I've been packing stuff away I have been thinking about what I can sell in the future, a few collectibles, some artworks, porcelain, jewellery etc. I used to do regular antique fairs, car boots etc, buying and selling bric a brac as a sideline business. It's an option. I really don't want to dip into my capital if I can possibly avoid it, so I am thinking about maybe a part time job or a little sideline business of some sort.

My husbands long illness ruined our finances, I feared bankruptcy at one stage but managed to crawl back from the abyss. It was scary. I don't want to revisit that again, hence my extreme caution now. It wasn't an experience I want to repeat.

poppy811

Morning everyone and thank you all for your kindness. Tooties, 2 year anniversary for me in July as well. The headstone on his grave is now in situ, I particularly wanted it to be done before the anniversary.
Kittie you are right about money. My situation is very tight and unless I can move to release some equity there is no real way to improve things. You were also right about my daughter, an email out of the blue asking if I got my appointment and offering to come with me! The appointment is this Thursday morning and she will meet me at the hospital.
Torry, I am sorry you are still feeling so awful is there anyone you can confide in? Grieving is a ghastly process, all I can tell you is coping with it gradually gets a little easier.

humptydumptybits

poppy811 wrote: »

Morning everyone and thank you all for your kindness. Tooties, 2 year anniversary for me in July as well. The headstone on his grave is now in situ, I particularly wanted it to be done before the anniversary.
Kittie you are right about money. My situation is very tight and unless I can move to release some equity there is no real way to improve things. You were also right about my daughter, an email out of the blue asking if I got my appointment and offering to come with me! The appointment is this Thursday morning and she will meet me at the hospital.
Torry, I am sorry you are still feeling so awful is there anyone you can confide in? Grieving is a ghastly process, all I can tell you is coping with it gradually gets a little easier.

How lovely that your daughter made the offer, it makes such a difference. I will think of you on Thursday, I will be having my genetics test then so good luck to both of us.

Torry_Quine

I can't allow myself to imagine a life without him that has any kind of meaning. It feels wrong. I feel like when he died so did I.

Over the next few weeks there are all the dates when he had scans etc leading to his chemotherapy at the end of July and I remember every one starting with his X-Ray on the 29th June. When I mentioned this to someone they said I should do something which uses my ability to remember dates, not helpful

poppy811

humptydumptybits wrote: »

How lovely that your daughter made the offer, it makes such a difference. I will think of you on Thursday, I will be having my genetics test then so good luck to both of us.

Thank you, best of luck, will be thinking of you too.

humptydumptybits

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I can't allow myself to imagine a life without him that has any kind of meaning. It feels wrong. I feel like when he died so did I.

Over the next few weeks there are all the dates when he had scans etc leading to his chemotherapy at the end of July and I remember every one starting with his X-Ray on the 29th June. When I mentioned this to someone they said I should do something which uses my ability to remember dates, not helpful

It is very early days for you Torry, don't let anyone put pressure on you to do what they think is right. You know yourself and it is one step at a time.

humptydumptybits

poppy811 wrote: »

Thank you, best of luck, will be thinking of you too.

I think I've decided to get a train to the city and then either walk or get a taxi, it is only a mile from the station apparently and I can either get a train that gets me there an hour before my appointment or ten minutes before it which seems a bit tight. I'm not worried about driving to the city but I don't know the hospital and can imagine getting onto the wrong oneway system and getting stressed about parking so the train seems less stress. I'm getting nervous now, it isn't for myself it is for the implications for my children and grandchildren, I hate to think I might have passed this risk onto them.


Hope you are OK.

[Deleted User]

hunpty, good luck and yes taking the train is what I would do too. `What if`, they are two words that can put stress on us for no reason, how many of us were always thinking `what if` and much of the time it comes to nothing. The important thing is not that `what if` but replace it with `so what` as in how to deal with it. I had that feeling about your dd, mine is similar, puts that barrier up as though it stops any bad happening


So now I am being brave and going just 40 minutes away, never been to this place and half the distance to dd. I have been listening! Have found a bungalow in need of re-furb and walking/cycling to shops and buses. The last owners were in there for a long time, so you can imagine. It all looks clean enough and it is empty and I saw it quite a while ago with a different agent on RM, no photos of bathroom etc but I am open minded. We`ll see, on wednesday

lessonlearned

Ooh was wondering how the house hunting was going Kittie.

That was my view....I couldn't find a nice new build.... my preferred option, so I decided to take on a refurb project. At least that way you can put your own stamp on it. Obviously it will depend on where you draw the line. We had to take this house back to brick, I would prefer not to have to go through that again. Very expensive.

Mine looks ok to me, new boiler, new electrical consumer unit etc, the plastering looks ok, couldn't smell any obvious damp but you still never know for sure. I will know more next week after the survey. If it really is too bad, then I'll walk away.

Humpty...I agree, definitely go for the train option. Far less stress, it's going to be nerve wracking enough for you without the hassle of finding your way there, parking etc. Hope all goes well for you.

Well I'm off to hospital on Friday too. Our local Nuffield. I'm going to try acupuncture and rather than go with some unknown (to me) backstreet clinic I have decided to plump for the Nuffield. Costs a bit more but at least I know that the practitioner is supposed to be one of the best in his field.

I am struggling rather at the moment trying to manage my pain so it's worth a try. Not sure whether it's just a stress related temporary blip or whether it's just a natural progression but I am a mass of aches and pains some days and it is really starting to impact my life.

The costochondria - chest and shoulder blade pain caused by inflammation of the chest and heart muscles and connective tissues has been particularly troublesome, even taking a deep breath hurts at times and of course my knee is giving me gyp again. I have to confess to being a real needlephobe so I shall have to close my eyes, grit my teeth and visit my "happy place" whilst they treat me like a pin cushion. :rotfl:

Fancy paying to be tortured .....worse than going to the dentist. I can think of nicer things to do with my money. Still if it eases the pain then it's worth it.

It's Anne.....don't feel guilty about not posting on here. It's not compulsory. :rotfl: although I do like to hear from you of course.

DIL has been twinging away. She went to the hospital on Saturday. They monitored her for a while and sent her home because nothing much was happening, just a few very gentle contractions. She isnt actually due till next Monday so no need to keep her in just yet, they are Only 10 minutes from the hospital anyway so they will have plenty of time I would imagine, especially as it is her first baby.

But.....it looks like my grandson is thinking about it. :rotfl:

Exciting !! Although tbh I know I'm going to find it very emotional. My husband would have been a wonderful grandfather. So so sad he never made it.