Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

Torry_Quine

shabbychic12 wrote: »

I buried my DH with his ring on as he never took it off and l felt he wouldn't be complete without it. I had another ring he .wore altered and my DD now wears this. I also didn't bury him in a suit he went in his football shirt jeans and slippers he would have liked that. At his funeral we all wore something blue and wore football scarfs. Even the priest showed us his teams scarf. I actually buried him on my 50th Birthday there was nothing more certain that he would have wanted to be with me. It will be 4 years in October and it's not the same without him. Life is just different but not in a bad way just different. Some one mentioned white feathers l keep a small box with all the ones lve found in. Plus when l'm having a tough time deciding what to do about something or need to know l'm doing the right thing up pops a Robin

My husband's ring had never been off his finger either. He never wore a suit so wore a favourite top and trousers with his football scarf. I have his other football scarf.

Torry_Quine

kittie wrote: »

ahhh, nice things pop out of sad things. Since my husband died I have never lost anything, I misplace things all the time but I just say `** where is it?` and lo and behold I always go straight to it and whenever I have a tough time or a happy time with grandchildren, then I see a white feather

Torry, the sorting is the beginning of the essential healing process, the letting go. My biggest letting go was when I scattered rose petals around the tree below where his ashes lay, it was several months after he died and I told him he could go, that I was setting him free. That time was absolutely cathartic for me and enabled me to move on. Some things were obviously more difficult to clear but then I tackled one thing at a time. The MK thread was brilliant at helping me through this time

I don't yet know what to do with his ashes.

Misslayed

Torry, my husband died in April, his ashes sat under the sideboard til December, when it just seemed right to put them where we'd planned. We did it on New Years Day, the sun shone and I felt completely content. There's no rush, take your time and wait til it feels right.

Misslayed

And if you want to put them somewhere 'public', don't ask permission, just do it, then ask forgiveness later if necessary. (Advice from my funeral director)

Torry_Quine

Misslayed wrote: »

Torry, my husband died in April, his ashes sat under the sideboard til December, when it just seemed right to put them where we'd planned. We did it on New Years Day, the sun shone and I felt completely content. There's no rush, take your time and wait til it feels right.

My problem is we never talked about it so I have to decide what to do with them. It's a big thing to decide for him.

itsanne

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Well done you. I have no children but my brother will help as well as a close friend but I haven't even thought of sorting out his things yet. It feels wrong to me.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I don't yet know what to do with his ashes.

Sometimes people make quick decisions and then wish they'd done something else. There's no hurry for any of it. You'll know when you're ready/able to sort his things: it doesn't matter whether that's quickly or not for ages. Don't worry about it, just do it when it's right for you.

The same applies to his ashes. Some choose to have them interred, others to scatter them and others keep them for a long time (if not permanently). You don't need to rush to a decision.

Apart from there being no need to decide anything right away, I would advise waiting until the shock has at least eased slightly - you're not currently in the best position to make major decisions.

Misslayed

Wise words itsanne

Torry_Quine

Thanks for all the kindness. I'm crying again.

Misslayed

It's cathartic Torry, just let it happen. Sending you a virtual hug.

joansgirl

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I don't yet know what to do with his ashes.

Just hang on to them for now. One day it will suddenly occur to you what you want to do with them. Don't make any hasty decisions.

I still have my husbands ashes after 8 years
I'll probably keep them now and when I go my sister in law will scatter us together somewhere.