Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

iris

Everything you say is so true itsanne.

My husband died in September 2016 and I am finding it very hard, some days are worse than others.

lessonlearned

Hello everyone

I have not written for a while .....for two reasons.

1. When I!!!8217;m going through a good spell I feel positive and optimistic. Yes I still miss my husband but I feel fine and then I don!!!8217;t want to upset you all by coming on here full of good cheer. It feels inappropriate somehow when you are having a bad time.

2. On a bad day - well let us just call it a bad day. Then I do not write because I want to avoid bringing you all down with the knowledge that the bad days can still strike after all this while

For me it is 3 and half years and I am afraid I still have my moments of deep sadness, when I struggle to face the world and when I just want to pull the duvet over my head.

Right now I am feeling ok but over the last few weeks there has been a series of red letter days - wedding anniversary, my husbands birthday etc and yes I felt quite low there for a while. I don!!!8217;t think last week helped when I was snowbound. Fortunately the snow is gone and I can at least get out now. Roll on spring.

I recently read Sheila Hancock!!!8217;s book about her husbands illness and death from throat cancer. Her husband was John Thaw (Morse). It was very moving and what she had to say really resonated with me. Her descriptions of grief are the best I have ever come across. She put into words everything I had felt and could not really express. It was good to see it all in print. It sounds a strange thing to say I know but in some way I felt she validated my feelings.

I lost my husband first, then my parents and I am afraid it used to infuriate me when people said they knew how I felt because they had lost a parent. I am sorry but they did not know how I felt.

Having experienced both kinds of loss in such a short time frame I feel qualified to say I am sorry but losing a parent is nothing like losing a partner, no matter how much you loved your Parent and no matter how close you were. It is a whole different ball game. You don!!!8217;t just lose the person closest to you, you lose a whole way of life and you lose the future.

As many of you have said until you lose your partner yourself you really have no idea what it is like. The only thing worse that I can think of is the thought of losing a child or grandchild. Sheila Hancock discusses this in her book too which is why I said that I found what she said in some way validated the way I felt.

Sometimes when people said they knew how I felt I actually felt like throttling them. :rotfl: I knew they meant well but my reaction was often one of pure blind furry. I never showed my anger, I used to swallow my feelings, thank the person, smile and make my escape as quickly as possible without being rude.

I was often shocked by how angry I felt and it would leave me feeling very shaken and distressed. Somehow I managed to be civilised and wait until I got home when I would just howl like an animal with anger, grief and rage all mixed together. People used to say how well I was doing........ha, if only they knew.

But you will all know.

As you know there is a question mark hanging over my children. Did they inherent a faulty gene and will they get the same illness my husband had. I have no idea how I would cope with that. I would probably have a cardiac arrest or a catastrophic stroke. I doubt I could hold it together. So I simply do not go there. However, the thought that one of them could succumb does lurk in the deep recesses of my mind. Every so often it surfaces and I have to metaphorically bang that door shut and and then I bolt it firmly. Otherwise I would go mad.

Anyway. My life trundles along. Mostly it is fine although It is hard to get motivated sometimes, I still get those What is the Point moments. Even the thought of the birth of my grandchild this year does not always dispel them but again I just push those thoughts away and smile brightly for the sake of my kids.

Today is such a day. Sunday night I hardly slept, last night I slept like a log and struggled to wake up this morning. I feel absolutely shattered today. I am afraid I really need my sleep these days. My energy levels are still low at times and a bad nights sleep can wipe me out.

On a more positive note I have been thinking about my future. I have decided to go back to school. . I have an appointment with a local college on Thursday. A new chapter begins.........I do not know how I will cope but I have to try. I have to build a new life. Time for a leap of faith.

Love and hugs to all.

[Deleted User]

there is no comparison at all, none whatsoever, losing the other half is literally losing half of oneself. I too have some down times, I try not to think too much, it doesn`t help me and I have given myself various aims. Just now it is to look for and buy my own home, by myself. 3 years on for me and life feels pretty hollow if I am honest

I am finding all this surviving on my own exhausting, it really is. The cooking, the cleaning, the house maintenance, the shopping for essentials. I am exhausted this afternoon and all my joints are aching, I do too much, started spring cleaning today as well as going to a house viewing, emptying the dishwasher, getting my meals ready. I am constantly trying to think of ways of getting around this

I do know that when I have moved I will be getting in touch with a cleaning company to get my house cleaned top to bottom once a month, maybe a team of two. I don`t want a cleaner in on a regular basis but I know from today that really I don`t always see the dust accumulate. I will also get a window cleaner, don`t have one here as the back is inaccessible to him and he comes unexpectedly. I did the lot today but only the bathroom, en suite and main bedroom. I am shattered, slept very badly last night, had the adrenaline rush re house hunting and was also aching so badly. I took the under electric blanket off this morning, maybe the wires are making me uncomfortable. I had to toss the mattress over too, such an effort for a small person

I will be alright, I know I will, as long as I can pursue my hobbies, potter in a garden and cut down my housework and house maintenance. This should help to preserve my bones and give me some time to be more outgoing with various groups in my new location, hopefully less than 2 miles away. At the moment I am in limbo, by myself, not liking it but doing my best to stay positive

sigh, LL I know where you are coming from.Best not to think, just be

shabbychic12

I would say we're too hard on ourselves and sometimes bottle up our feelings putting on a brave face and my favourite saying is 'I'm fine' when l'm actually not. I find l have become fiercely independent and dont want to ask for help from anyone. I have been lucky enough to find someone to share my life but did l do this too soon? That's a question l cannot answer and l am just living for the moment. He will never replace DH and l don't want anyone to be a permanent fixture in my home l love my 'me' time and space. Plus l'm a catch financially lol and no ones getting their hands on my assets (money lol) at 50 l wasn't ready for pipe and slippers or sitting in every night but it has been very hard with lots of soul searching and l'm still not 100% sure if this is really for me. Everyone's different and what's right for one doesn't work for another but what l would say is no one every really understands what it's like to lose the love your life.

lessonlearned

Shabbychic. I would say we just need to take happiness where we can find it.

I have had two men express interest in me recently. One has become a firm friend because I just didn!!!8217;t feel any chemistry. The other one....well I am taking my time. I think there might be something, only time will tell.

However, I know for sure I will never marry again and I doubt if I would want to live with someone on a permanent basis.

I guess what I really want is a part time relationship. :rotfl:

In the meantime I just want to rebuild my life, recapture my vitality and improve my health. My college course is a start, then move house at some point.

But yes, Kitty is right, it is exhausting.

shabbychic12

I agree as we know life is too short. I think a part time relationship is what l have. Someone to do things with rather than be third wheeling it with well meaning friends. I think 3 draws is enough clothes for someone to keep here lol. I also think l have become rather selfish and do things for me now. On the negative side l think l have closed up emotionally and won't let anyone in, I cry in private and put a brave face on everything.sometimes this is tough on the people around me.

Torry_Quine

Just touching base. Not much happening although at least the snow has gone. I'm still exhausted and struggling to sleep.

Today. I went with my dad to a hospital appointment which was the first time back at the hospital since my husband's last admission. Tears were shed. I do agree that the loss of a parent can't be compared to the loss of a spouse.

wort

LL I'll look for the sheila Hancock book, I might have said before about a book I was given called death and how to survive it, by Kate Boydell who became a widow at 33, with 2 small children it covers all kinds of things and there's some humour in there so it's not as depressing as it sounds. She runs a site called merry widow.
Kittie no wonder you're exhausted, just reading all the things you do wears me out. Take some me time and relax. Hopefully spring is round the corner and we will be able to get outside more to invigorate ourselves.

Torry_Quine

I've contacted the solicitor who has my husband's will today to see how I need to proceed. Also contacted DWP about bereavement payment. Not easy but has to be done.

[Deleted User]

shabbychic12 wrote: »

Plus l'm a catch financially lol and no ones getting their hands on my assets (money lol) .

same here, personally am too old for it to be physical attraction, although I am good company. A few days after the funeral, I did have a gentleman caller, said he was lonely. I kept him at the door, all my instincts were screaming out loud. I am so very aware of scammers and even more so when I come to arrange an additional annuity after my house is sold. I will be contacting someone listed on the FCA website, they keep updated lists of bona fide companies. Worthwhile knowing about the FCA if anything to do with money

A much better day today, after a very good sleep last night, no more electric underblanket. Part of the tizz yesterday was the internal panic, the thought of squeezing my stuff into a smaller home but in reality I won`t have to because I am waiting until the right home comes on sale, yesterday was a good eye opener, the viewing and all the pre prep ie looking at planning permissions and letters against, then lo and behold seeing a neighbour`s row of new leylandii, planted 3 feet from the side of the bungalow. I saw that and I walked away. It came on sale yesterday and was sold immediately. I shall watch the leylandii growing year on year and will always breath that sigh of relief. Us singletons need to be doubly on the ball

So today I paced myself better, am still deep cleaning but need to because I realised yesterday that once things start to roll then I need to be sorted. 2 bedrooms, landing and stairs today and tomorrow my sewing room and one bedroom and then best of all, looks like a nice day here, will be a cycle ride, for fresh air and to get my blood circulating after the snow. Ok, all on my own but it is something I now accept