Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

[Deleted User]

That reminded me, my ds gave me a lovely hardback notebook and pen after my husband died, so I could write things down and I did, very personal thoughts and it helped a lot. I remembered that I still have that book and like the letters he sent to me in 1969, they are too personal ever to want anyone else to read them. I already shredded the letters, yes who knows when it is my turn to go. I will burn those pages out in the fresh air this evening.

Stage two, after all the clearing and sorting when I became one, was to make my own affairs as tidy as I could. I have a fully indexed file enclosing a copy of my new will. Doing it all as one of a couple was hard enough. I could not imagine how hard it must be for children, knowing where to start

[Deleted User]

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I went from the family home to getting married so never been on my own. It's scary.

same for me torry. Learning to live on my own has been very very hard, to keep motivated, day after day

edit: I burnt the diary pages and the ash blew away in the wind

Torry_Quine

poppy811 wrote: »

Learning to live alone is the hardest thing. After 18 months I am still not used to it. The only thing I will say is that I am more measured in reactions and decisions now. Last year was full of 'knee jerk' reactions followed by panic when I realised that I didn't want to something after all. I am trying now to broaden my horizons and make a new life and have been hugely helped by some psychology input which has helped with panic attacks and flashbacks after my husbands sudden and traumatic death. I found a lovely poem online the other day called If tomorrow comes without me. It gave me a lot of comfort Torry, have a look when you feel able.

I will look but I don't think now would be good.

poppy811 wrote: »

Hi Elona
That poem makes me cry every time but I have printed it off and stuck it in a scrapbook of articles and poems that I want to keep. The Psychologist also suggested writing to my husband and telling him all the things I want him to know. Keep it or shred it, no need to show anyone else if you don't want to. Haven't been brave enough yet but think it might be a good idea

I keep thinking ill write to him. He kept a journal himself which I've got but probably won't read. It might be unhelpful and it was his private thoughts.

kittie wrote: »

same for me torry. Learning to live on my own has been very very hard, to keep motivated, day after day

edit: I burnt the diary pages and the ash blew away in the wind

Today I've managed with help to move a few things in the bedroom in the hope that I can try to sleep there.

I got his ashes today so he's home, except it isn't real him at all. Also now have his wedding ring.

Torry_Quine

Does anyone know if I may be entitled to a bereavement payment?

SuperMoose

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Does anyone know if I may be entitled to a bereavement payment?

Hello

Hope it's OK to drop in. There is information here:
https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

Torry_Quine

SuperMoose wrote: »

Hello

Hope it's OK to drop in. There is information here:
https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

Thanks for this

wort

Evening all, thought I'd reply before I read that poem.
Itsanne - the ball in the jar is a good analogy, to explain to others thanks.

I never lived alone until now, but I've always enjoyed my own company ,and the quiet, so I'm adapting, as I've said before I still chat to him. His wedding ring fell off in hospital as he wasn't eating, I put it on my cross and chain and I haven't taken it off, it encircles the cross that I wore on our wedding day.

His ashes are in my bedroom, I had no idea where to scatter them, so when my sister said she's going to have hers and her hubby's scattered together, I've decided to do the same. I told my girls and dgson to go on holiday and scatter us in the sea then we can travel the world together.x

itsanne

This BBC video might be of help to some, not only those who have lost a partner. It was pointed out by someone on Way Up. I think it's good in the same way as Ball in a Jar.

wort

That was a good little video itsanne.
It's true that we all feel differently, I have lost my mum and dad 17 years ago and I remember thinking nothing can be as bad as this, but when my husband died it was worse, maybe because we expect that our parents will die before us, or because of the shock of losing him, and all our future together disappearing, I don't know.

itsanne

wort wrote: »

That was a good little video itsanne.
It's true that we all feel differently, I have lost my mum and dad 17 years ago and I remember thinking nothing can be as bad as this, but when my husband died it was worse, maybe because we expect that our parents will die before us, or because of the shock of losing him, and all our future together disappearing, I don't know.

It's true that we expect our parents to die before us, especially when they become elderly, but a parent is also no longer the most important person to us. It's still very difficult when they die, but it's not 'wrong' in the way that losing a partner is. The other thing is that most of us don't live with our parents, so their physical absence isn't quite so noticeable all the time. My father died nine years ago so I thought I would have some idea of what it would be like, but I had no idea. Losing OH has been completely different, far, far harder than I could have imagined - and I had already anticipated it would be very difficult.

I think that in addition to the loss itself, losing a partner brings a huge number of other consequences, from little things to major ones. It affects absolutely every aspect of your life and ability to function. On top of that, in every other traumatic situation your partner is there for support, but at the very time you most need it s/he is no longer there. And on top of that is the constant longing for the person lost.


Sorry, wort, that had been intended as a continuation of what you said - I didn't set out to create something so depressing!