Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

[Deleted User]

I have been having a think about getting through year two and I remember being very dependent on that daily `to-do` list. I bought a new one from sainsburys, all the weekdays on one page. It wasn`t to beat myself up about getting through jobs but I needed to do it to give me a focus, what to eat, what to do. I needed to have something to get out of bed for. I tried to factor in nice things like my (several) trips on the west somerset railway, ooh I love steam trains, always have, so bought myself a lifetime pass and I was in heaven when I went on a tour of the engine sheds

The daily notes continued for almost the whole of year two but I eventually found myself writing things down after the event and that is when I knew I was well on the road to healing. Year three was a preparation year, I had to imagine the worst situation for me, which was getting older and I listened to people talking about going into oap apartments. I made my mind up, that wasn`t for me but I had to release my ties with this house and that happened over the year by removing a great number of `things` from this house. I am not down to nitty gritty because people stay with me sometimes but the nitty gritty will be the next and final step, when I am really old and not before

So I see my life panning out in hops and every year is different and I think that this looking forward is what stops that potential black hole from appearing.

Torry_Quine

Yesterday and today have been awful. I can't stop crying and haven't bothered getting dressed, there's no point.

Reading people saying that year two is worse is scary!.

[Deleted User]

torry, it is worse, or feels worse, because it was not expected to be worse. The way to tackle year two is to think of it as the foundation year for healing. Little by little you do get to the end of year two. There is unfortunately no magic cure, but planning things for each week helps and it helps to include something nice, so that each week going forward is something to look forward to. It did not happen by itself and I had to be pro-active

Elona_2

kittie

You beat me to it. I think that year two is not really worse but that it feels as if we have not had the improvement we expected so it brings into focus the future.

When I moved house I had to make an effort to think ahead and plan for eventually needing to live on one level with things like a big walk in shower instead of a bath downstairs and a nice kitchen with a breakfast bar while the disruption was not too much stress etc. I found someone to help with the small garden and also someone to pop in once a week and help with cleaning and tidying. Apart from the work they do it means twice a week someone calls round and I need to be up and dressed for a certain time. The volunteer work at the library on Wednesday afternoons and then a recently joined slimming club just after that fills in time and gets me out meeting people. The U3A yesterday and meeting a dd for coffee in York took up most of yesterday and I really enjoyed it.

Because upstairs has space for dds etc to stay overnight it means they can get together here and catch up, then stay for breakfast and /or lunch if they like. Two weeks ago it was middle dd's birthday and I had three of them staying over and having a girlie pamper evening while watching dvds together.

Hugs to all

wort

Thank you , it really helps to hear people's coping strategies.
I've been off this week and maybe the extra "thinking" time hasn't helped. I'm back at work tomorrow, and really need a good night's sleep ,I've really struggled to sleep this week, and I've woke up exhausted today. I feel unable to do anything and possibly could doze this afternoon, but won't, as that will make it harder tonight.

Elona that sounds lovely having dds round for girly time. X

lessonlearned

Both Kittie and Elona have explained the conundrum of the second year very well. No one warns us and we blithely assume that of course year 2 is bound to be better than year 1. In a way it is because we are over the worst of the gut wrenching pain, the panic attacks start to subside and we start to notice the world again.

I think the first year is all about the shock and the immediate impact on our lives. To a certain extent we are cushioned somewhat because we are numb. Then of course we are busy dealing with all the financial stuff and the practicalities so the adrenaline kicks in and keeps us going.

I think it is only during the second year that the long term implications begin to sink in. We start to take stock and to think about the future. Sometimes that future can look a bit bleak. And of course our bodies have not yet fully recovered, in my case fibromyalgia but it could be anything. Remember grief and stress compromise our immune systems so we often feel physically below par. And with the best will in the world it can be hard to remain positive and upbeat when you are battling exhaustion and/or pain. Sometimes the effort is just too great.

I agree Year 2 is a foundation year and possibly year 3 too. I found it was during year 2 and year 3 that I began to start thinking about a way forward, how I wanted to live.

We all know the prescription is to “keep busy”. At least that is what everyone tells us. However, there are times when it seems like we are keeping busy for the sake of it and realistically we are just killing time.

I can only speak for myself but what I feel is that I need a “purpose”. Sounds a bit worthy but I think you know what I mean. I am still looking for inspiration. I am hoping my college course will point me In the right direction.

For me holidays are not really the answer. I know a lot of widows and widowers just seem to drift from one holiday to the next. I can understand why they do it, they cannot face being alone in an empty house so they seek to escape, but holidays are not real life. I think we need more. Well I do.

I do feel a bit brighter again now. I think the series of red letter days in such short space of time laid me low for a while but I do feel a. Bit perkier now. I am steadily dec,uttering and today I am off to the tip and the charity shop and then will go food shopping.

I am still struggling a bit with the aftermath of my fall but have started doing a bit of yoga each day. Hopefully this will also help with the Fibro.

Just looking forward to better weather, and a bit of warm sunshine.

itsanne

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Yesterday and today have been awful. I can't stop crying and haven't bothered getting dressed, there's no point.

We've all been where you are right now. Your grimest days will pass - you will get through this. Unfortunately, there will be days like that. However, there will also be days, or part of days, where you will feel a bit more 'normal' (and possibly even a bit guilty when that happens). Gradually, the very worst days become fewer and there are more better days.

There's no easy way through this, but people further on say they do feel they have a life again - it isn't the one they thought or hoped they'd have, but it's a satisfying one nevertheless.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Reading people saying that year two is worse is scary!.

Sorry, Torry, I didn't intend to make things worse. I tend not to post when having a particularly bad spell precisely because I don't want to alarm people more recently bereaved.

It's very early days for you - the second year is not worse than where you are at right now. Also, not every aspect is worse: there are things I can manage without difficulty now that were very difficult last year, and some 'firsts' are genuinely easier the second time (eg being away from home, travelling alone).


There are probably a number of reasons why the second year proves difficult. Part of it may be, as Kittie suggests, our own expectations. So much seems focused on getting through the first year, the first anniversary, the first birthday etc that it's as if once that's done it will be easier - and it's not. We discover that it's not, but other people, not experiencing what we are, still assume that it must be and support can tail away.

If you've always done everything together, it's hard to try to do things without your partner. By the second year, you are trying to do more but find that meeting people to do things with is difficult. Not only do you have to meet people, but you have to interact with them in a constructive way when you have lost confidence and don't feel cheerful - and you don't want to be viewed as 'the widow'!

I think a lot of protective mechanisms make it possible to function in the early days, but they gradually diminish until we're faced with the constant reality of the situation - while at the same time we still desperately want to reject it. Fifteen months in, I know this is real but often still feel that it can't be. I still can't plan far into the future - far too painful.

Keeping going takes energy - a lot of energy. By the second year we've already had a year of 'trying', yet there seems no end in sight. Because we don't actually feel any better than in the first year, the prospect of things continuing like this indefinitely is both depressing and scary - is this all we have to look forward to? (Of course, as said above, it's not, but it can feel that way.)

Hopefully Kittie is right about year three being different!

Torry_Quine

It's seven weeks but I'm still feeling the same as when I found him. Everything hurts and I just cry all the time. I feel my life is over.

itsanne I apologize for being harsh.

itsanne

Lessonlearned, you posted while I was typing - great post!

itsanne

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It's seven weeks but I'm still feeling the same as when I found him. Everything hurts and I just cry all the time. I feel my life is over.

itsanne I apologize for being harsh.

You weren't harsh, and nothing to apologise for.

At seven weeks everything is bound to still be very raw. Crying all the time at that stage is normal. For months I found tears running down my face every time I did the dishes, had a shower or was in the car by myself. It's only recently that driving on my own doesn't guarantee tears.

Your life isn't over. I can understand that sentiment only too well, but my husband would have been horrified to think that I would give up on the one life I have. At present, that and my children make me determined that I will move forward (not "move on"!), but I hope that at some point I'll want to do it for my own sake. What would you want your husband to do if it had been the other way around?

Try not to be too hard on yourself. All that you are experiencing is normal. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts and it is very, very difficult, but it will become more manageable.