advice

BrassicWoman

dipsy wrote: »

Anyway Christmas is clearly a no go at home
So will go over the festive period and try my best to please everyone
That's all I can do

They will not be pleased anyway, because when carers are exhausted it is easy to fall into being a martyr. That's probably where they are.

So only go if you are going to enjoy spending time with parent, and they will enjoy seeing you. You'll get the blame of everything anyway Just accept for now that your role is being blamed for stuff.

When there are no easy answers sometime that's a role that happens; don't let it wind you up.

Savvy_Sue

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Does she live somewhere that you could book a family holiday nearby so all the family could visit on a regular basis? One of our best Christmases was when we booked a studio flat near my elderly parents and visited every day.

ETA
Apologies, I've just seen that you've already thought of my suggestion - could be worth following it up.

I think the idea of having a family holiday or weekend sooner rather than later could be good, tbh. I don't want to be brutal, but planning Christmas in January in this situation seems a bit premature ... DEFINITELY don't book anything you can't cancel without penalty.

BrassicWoman wrote: »

They will not be pleased anyway, because when carers are exhausted it is easy to fall into being a martyr. That's probably where they are.

So only go if you are going to enjoy spending time with parent, and they will enjoy seeing you. You'll get the blame of everything anyway Just accept for now that your role is being blamed for stuff.

When there are no easy answers sometime that's a role that happens; don't let it wind you up.

I'd go even if you aren't going to much enjoy spending time with parent, or even if you think that time is going to be marred by interactions with siblings. But yes, accept that whatever you do will be wrong, and inadequate, and don't let it get to you ...

gettingtheresometime

Is there anyway that your parent could stay in a nursing home near you for say a fortnight over Christmas?


That way their needs are met, the family can visit and see other relatives as well.


I also think, if it's possible, you need to actually visit your sibling to discuss the situation face to face.

Red-Squirrel_2

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Is there anyway that your parent could stay in a nursing home near you for say a fortnight over Christmas?

Would you want to spend Christmas in a nursing home? :eek:

gettingtheresometime

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Would you want to spend Christmas in a nursing home? :eek:

Must admit not really but hopefully I won't be of an age to even consider a nursing home for a long time yet!


It was only a suggestion given that the parent's needs a little greater than just needing a bed & the OP thinks booking a cottage near the parent is unfeasible.

Savvy_Sue

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Would you want to spend Christmas in a nursing home? :eek:

I think it would depend on the nursing home! In some, it would be very similar to staying in a good hotel - which isn't something I'd particularly go for either.

Tabbytabitha

dipsy wrote: »

Booking a holiday home over the Christmas period is not really a solution as this would mean moving another set of elderly parents, 4 kids (3 of whom are away at uni) a grandchild an ex wife/ex husband (so the kids can see them at Christmas) & a dog

I think the best solution will be to go down for a couple of days over the festive period and stay this will only involve 1 adult making the journey - and let the rest of the family at home relax and get to see parent and hopefully give some respite albeit for a few days

Online input from people with similar experiences is "using the internet" isn't it?

Yep it sure is, but not the same as asking Google, it is asking for people who have similar situations

But nobody mentioned using Google except you.

BrassicWoman

A couple of days or a few days?

Festive period or Xmas eve to boxing day?

I think the point is your siblings want a restful Xmas themselves. You do not seem to be offering this.

Do it properly or don't bother at all, I think. I am honestly starting to understand their frustration.

Red-Squirrel_2

BrassicWoman wrote: »

I think the point is your siblings want a restful Xmas themselves. You do not seem to be offering this.

Why does she have to offer this? Sorry, but the mother and the siblings chose this setup that makes it harder for the OP to offer practical help. I think you're being really unfair.

If they want a restful xmas they can tell social care they are not going to be doing any care for their mum, they aren't obliged to, they can stop any time they want. Lots of elderly people don't have multiple relatives living close by doing stuff for them.

BrassicWoman

dipsy wrote: »

So do you suggest go down, sit in a flat, have dinner delivered by the kitchen (that is the daily routine) and watch TV leaving all family at home - 3 kids that I rarely see, another child, grandson, OH and inlaws

If you want to actually help, yes

The degree of sacrifice you make is up to you; you decide which of your relatives deserve more of your time than others.

From your siblings perspective what you offer is very limited; that's ok, but you then can't ALSO moan about them being unreasonable. Their life is compromised every day. You have many weekends you could be seeing the people you seen only a limited amount of time.

Make a decision, stick with it, and live with the consequences. You need to decide who you want to spend your energies pleasing. A half cocked compromise suits no one.