advice

TBagpuss

I agree that some of the responses are a bit harsh to OP.
It may be that for OPs parent to make a 7 hour trip (or even 2 3.5 hour trips) and to stay in a less familiar home might be impractical.

OP, you've mentioned in your e-mail about your siblings phoning or emailing, is there any possibility of actually meeting up i person? Might it be possible for you to suggest that you travel with the view of staying with your parent for a couple of nights, and arranging to meet up with your siblings during that visit, so you can discuss what each of you can do, and what each of you expects the other to do.

For instance, your siblings wants you to deal with christmas 2018. What do they want? What would be be possible. For example, if they want to be able to have a few days where they are not having to care for your parent, would it be practical for your parent to stay with you.

If not, what would be needed for you to visit them (e.g. could you look into renting a holiday home near your your parent, or booking into a budget hotel so you and your family had somewhere to stay.) If you would be willing to do that but not able to afford it, then you can explain that to your siblings.

I think you can also think about what you might be able to do - sometimes being able to give explicit offers as opposed to asking what the other person wants you to do, might help.

Also, does your parent have capacity? If so, what do they want?

Detroit

I'm wondering if this is less about practical action and more about responsibility.
OP, in your posts you make reference to offering to help, and asking your siblings to tell you what they want you to do. This comes across almost as though you see yourself as less responsible for your parent than your siblings.
You're offering to 'help' them, as oppose to seeing yourself as equally responsible for your parent.
You're asking them to tell you what needs doing, rather then using your own initiative in the interests of your parent.
This is not a criticism, as it's easy to see how physical distance has caused the situation. Being further away it's understandable you would be less aware of what needs to be done.
However, from your siblings viewpoint, it may feel like they are carrying the lions share of the worry and decision making while you get on with your life; and they may well feel resentful of your perceived greater freedom.
This would explain the Christmas comment, as they panic at the thought of never having the opportunity to do their thing, while in their eyes you do as you please.
This may be less about doing more, and more about taking a different approach.
An email is a good idea, but rather than a request to be told how you can help them ( which implies helping with their problem) maybe you could offer your own suggestions and let them know you consider yourself equally responsible.

Red-Squirrel_2

Detroit wrote: »

I'm wondering if this is less about practical action and more about responsibility.
OP, in your posts you make reference to offering to help, and asking your siblings to tell you what they want you to do. This comes across almost as though you see yourself as less responsible for your parent than your siblings.
You're offering to 'help' them, as oppose to seeing yourself as equally responsible for your parent.
You're asking them to tell you what needs doing, rather then using your own initiative in the interests of your parent.
This is not a criticism, as it's easy to see how physical distance has caused the situation. Being further away it's understandable you would be less aware of what needs to be done.
However, from your siblings viewpoint, it may feel like they are carrying the lions share of the worry and decision making while you get on with your life; and they may well feel resentful of your perceived greater freedom.
This would explain the Christmas comment, as they panic at the thought of never having the opportunity to do their thing, while in their eyes you do as you please.
This may be less about doing more, and more about taking a different approach.
An email is a good idea, but rather than a request to be told how you can help them ( which implies helping with their problem) maybe you could offer your own suggestions and let them know you consider yourself equally responsible.

If my mum and siblings had decided that they would live close together, but three or four hours away from me, I don’t think I would consider myself equally responsible.

In fact, children are never ‘responsible’ for their parents unless they actively choose to be, it’s not compulsory. Lots of people grow old without family close enough to help day to day, and lots without any family at all.

Detroit

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

If my mum and siblings had decided that they would live close together, but three or four hours away from me, I don’t think I would consider myself equally responsible.

In fact, children are never ‘responsible’ for their parents unless they actively choose to be, it’s not compulsory. Lots of people grow old without family close enough to help day to day, and lots without any family at all.

Sure. But that doesn't prevent many adult children from feeling they want to, or should be, there for their parents. Each family to their own.

In this case, the OPs family clearly do feel a sense of responsibility for their parent. As presumably does the OP or they would no doubt tell their siblings to back off, and wouldn't feel the need for advice.

Not for me to judge feelings or motives, just a thought on what could be causing the strained feelings between the siblings, and what the OP might do to alleviate them.

Tabbytabitha

elsien wrote: »

That's a bit harsh, considering OP has her own family and mum doesn't appear to have said what she wants to do next Christmas. It's her decision
as well. She might not want a 7 hour drive to spend time in an unfamiliar house.

As the OP talks about having grandchildren, I'd assume that they don't have young children to worry about and, of course their mother is their "own family".

kingfisherblue

I don't work, as I care for my disabled son. I also live near my elderly mother, who has some health problems but is not yet at the stage where she needs carers or help with personal care. However, she does need help with medication, appointments, shopping, getting out in general, forms, phone calls.

My sister and brother both live around 30-40 minutes away in opposite directions. They rarely visit or phone, although when my mum has been admitted to hospital, my sister has come straight away, and has visited her every night after work. My brother has always just asked to be kept informed.

Both have partners. One has older children with no disabilities, the other has no children.

I would love them to take responsibility a bit more. My brother never even acknowledges that my mum needs any sort of support. My sister does say occasionally that she knows it all falls to me as I live near by - but she still doesn't visit for two or three months at a time, and then it's usually fleeting.

Being a carer is emotionally draining. It's not so much the physical impact on your health, but the constant emotional and mental impact. I am shattered all of the time. I'm fortunate that one of my children is able to help take Mum shopping, and all of my children see her regularly. She doesn't see much of her other grandchildren at all, even though they are the same ages as mine. I'm proud that mine still want to spend time with their Nan.

It may be very difficult for your siblings to put into words exactly what it is that they want from you. They might not know themselves. Like me, they may just want a break, knowing that your mum is being cared for safely and responsibly by their sibling.

Perhaps you could consider spending two or three days at a time with your mum - make the time spent travelling worthwhile for your visit, and spend more time with your mum than on a train or in a car. You could think about batch cooking, so that there are meals in the freezer for her, if your siblings normally cook her meals. I'd love it if someone did that for my mum (I hate cooking!). Fortunately my mum is still able to cook, but she has lost interest in eating as it doesn't seem worth cooking for one (her words, not mine).

maybe your siblings just need to know that you are there, and do care. I feel isolated at times, especially when I know that I ring my mum daily, more than once most days (and yes, I still see her most days as well), but my sister and brother can go weeks without contacting her. They both know that if anything happens, I'll ring them straight away. It's a heavy responsibility at times though. I'd like someone to take that from me occasionally, so that I can share the worry rather than shouldder it alone. My sister does more than my brother, but marginally.

It's a difficult situation for everyone, and there is no easy answer.

Eliza_2

I do think that staying for a few days might be the best way forward. That way you can really get a better feel for what's going on and also your sibling might feel a bit less resentful and that you're doing your bit more.

In my case I have 2 siblings and live 5 hours drive away from my mother but spend far more time with her. I visit for a few days a month and manage to get a good picture of how she's managing (also in sheltered housing). My siblings live 2-3 hours drive away but visit for 4 hours like you do but never stay over, and always when I'm there too. So during that 4 hours we do things like go out for a meal together (booked by me), and mum buys in nice things for tea and makes a fuss of them (and me too!). They're definitely "guests"! Then for the rest of the days I'm there we're sorting out some practical things, like medical visits, shopping for clothes or just taking her out and about for drives and short country walks which she loves. I sleep on a campbed and take my own bedding etc.

The other thing, and your sibling might also be feeling this about your visits, is that as my mum never really relaxes when they're there, she doesn't have a chance to talk about how she really feels, or about my dad or her other family and friends now gone, or holidays past, or who hasn't been seen in church for the last 2 Sundays or all the other things that older people like to chat about. She mostly asks them about themselves and their families.

And because she's on best behaviour and really makes an effort when they're there, they don't get the true picture. When I mention to them about how forgetful she's becoming and how she gets up and walks around in the night, or spills things etc they say - oh she seemed fine when we were there, and brush off my concerns as if I'm making it up! I certainly wouldn't tell them that she's asked me to organise incontinence pads for her, she'd hate for them to know about that.

I do feel a teensy bit resentful I'm afraid, and can really sympathise with you - the drive in my rickety car and petrol cost is awful but mostly I wish they'd just spend time with her. Not with any purpose, not always for practicalities necessarily, but just to curl up on the sofa together with a brew, watch telly and chat. Or take her out for a walk round the block, or a drive to look at the sea. Or be there to make her early morning tea in bed. She loves all that when I go. Just giving her time really.

Sorry, this has turned into war and peace but just thought it might shed a bit of light on how your sibling is feeling. As for Xmas, mum finds travelling too tiring now, so for the last few years I've given up the idea of spending it with my own kids and grandkids. They're all close and receiving photos of them all sitting round a big table with party hats and turkey laughing and waving without me while I'm slaving over a hot oven trying to make an exciting Xmas dinner for two at my mums has brought me to tears, but needs must and I keep thinking at 90 how much longer will she be around, I need to make her life as happy as possible and although it doesn't sound like it, I do try not to feel like a martyr!!!

I've tried explaining some of this to my siblings but they don't really get it and my brother played the 'well it's easier for you, you're both women' card!!!!!GRRR. Oh well, life can be very confusing sometimes. Good luck with your weekend, hope you manage to sort something out. Please feed back, I really feel for you all, it's very hard.

Eliza

Red-Squirrel_2

I would suggest that you get in touch with adult social care for your area as well as your gp and make sure that you can get the services you need for your mum to visit before you make any promises. It can vary a lot by area.

Tabbytabitha

dipsy wrote: »

Well we called again last night and nothing, we have been promised a call tonight so we will see.

I totally understand that they feel the pressure, really I do, but part of me thinks they must have known what was around the corner given they are only 5 mins from their house.

TBH, our time that we spend trying to communicate with them with no response, doing the drive and our fleeting visit would have been better spent doing useful things if they were closer and we had been consulted prior to making decisions.

We call at least 3 times a week and speak to parent, and we try to reach out to the sibling nearest at least once a week - with no joy, no return call from the VM left :-(

find it hard to be dictated and spoke to like an idiot when I had no party to the decisions made.

Anyway in relation to the oxygen tanks are what is used when out and about and traveling and a big machine in the home. - this is not an issue as the tank will go in the car and we can get local services to arrange the machine for our end of the country.

We are going this weekend anyway so hopefully we can meet up to sort this all out - or at least have a conversation about it all

For Christmas we are going to ask if a hospital bed can be sourced on loan - we just need some details of where we would go to arrange this, which we will put in our front room, assuming that they are up to the journey we will have them all over the Christmas period and look after them that is not an issue at all.

We have children aged 17 - 25 and one grandson (3 of the children are away at uni so we do cherish the holiday times with them)

The meals are provided by the sheltered housing they live in and snacks/breakfast by the carers that come in 3 x a day and the one that stays overnight.

Staying down there for days on end is not an option, job interviews are at this end of the country, however I am willing for them to help us to arrange the move to our end of the country, (we have somewhere within 9 miles of our home), and we can then spend the time and have a more active roll and they can do the travelling, staying on sofas, fleeting visits.

Sadly it is human nature that we always perceive that someone has the better deal

All we want to do is help the best we can, but we didn't have any say in anything or any decisions - which if asked we would have said from the off this is the best we can offer if that is your decision.

But surely you aren't having interviews several times a week and with no notice so I still don't see why you can't go for a couple of days at a time on a regular basis. It must be easier to do now than when you a get a job.

By the way, are you using the royal we or are other family members going as well?

Red-Squirrel_2

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

But surely you aren't having interviews several times a week and with no notice so I still don't see why you can't go for a couple of days at a time on a regular basis. It must be easier to do now than when you a get a job.

By the way, are you using the royal we or are other family members going as well?

If OP is on JSA and applying for anything and everything, then she does need to be available at short notice, if she gets a phone call at 4pm Thursday for an interview 9am Friday then ‘visiting’ her mum will not be an acceptable excuse and she risks being sanctioned.