advice

Tabbytabitha

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

If OP is on JSA and applying for anything and everything, then she does need to be available at short notice, if she gets a phone call at 4pm Thursday for an interview 9am Friday then ‘visiting’ her mum will not be an acceptable excuse and she risks being sanctioned.

I don't think that the OP has mentioned being on JSA but even if she is, nobody's going to bother about her being unavailable between Friday evening and Monday morning.

Fireflyaway

I've known a couple of friends fall out with their siblings over how to care for aging parents. Difference in opinion, perceiving the other not to be pulling their weight etc!
My view is its tough living so far away but you need to do as much as you can. Not what your siblings say but what works for you and your mum. I'd certainly stay a night or two to break the journey. I know you need to be free for interviews but surely not at weekends? Go Friday and come back Sunday. Do it every other week if weekly is too much. Stock the fridge up / do a load of washing etc and take your mum for some time outside.
It might leave other areas of your life a bit neglected but your mum spent years caring for you. All those nappies, sleepless nights, meals, clothes , baths etc. Now its your turn. Don't live to regret anything.

happyandcontented

I assumed OP is a he not a she, but I may be wrong.

Tabbytabitha

happyandcontented wrote: »

I assumed OP is a he not a she, but I may be wrong.

So did I initially, then I just went with the flow.:o

downshifted

Eliza wrote: »

I do think that staying for a few days might be the best way forward. That way you can really get a better feel for what's going on and also your sibling might feel a bit less resentful and that you're doing your bit more.

In my case I have 2 siblings and live 5 hours drive away from my mother but spend far more time with her. I visit for a few days a month and manage to get a good picture of how she's managing (also in sheltered housing). My siblings live 2-3 hours drive away but visit for 4 hours like you do but never stay over, and always when I'm there too. So during that 4 hours we do things like go out for a meal together (booked by me), and mum buys in nice things for tea and makes a fuss of them (and me too!). They're definitely "guests"! Then for the rest of the days I'm there we're sorting out some practical things, like medical visits, shopping for clothes or just taking her out and about for drives and short country walks which she loves. I sleep on a campbed and take my own bedding etc.

The other thing, and your sibling might also be feeling this about your visits, is that as my mum never really relaxes when they're there, she doesn't have a chance to talk about how she really feels, or about my dad or her other family and friends now gone, or holidays past, or who hasn't been seen in church for the last 2 Sundays or all the other things that older people like to chat about. She mostly asks them about themselves and their families.

And because she's on best behaviour and really makes an effort when they're there, they don't get the true picture. When I mention to them about how forgetful she's becoming and how she gets up and walks around in the night, or spills things etc they say - oh she seemed fine when we were there, and brush off my concerns as if I'm making it up! I certainly wouldn't tell them that she's asked me to organise incontinence pads for her, she'd hate for them to know about that.

I do feel a teensy bit resentful I'm afraid, and can really sympathise with you - the drive in my rickety car and petrol cost is awful but mostly I wish they'd just spend time with her. Not with any purpose, not always for practicalities necessarily, but just to curl up on the sofa together with a brew, watch telly and chat. Or take her out for a walk round the block, or a drive to look at the sea. Or be there to make her early morning tea in bed. She loves all that when I go. Just giving her time really.

Sorry, this has turned into war and peace but just thought it might shed a bit of light on how your sibling is feeling. As for Xmas, mum finds travelling too tiring now, so for the last few years I've given up the idea of spending it with my own kids and grandkids. They're all close and receiving photos of them all sitting round a big table with party hats and turkey laughing and waving without me while I'm slaving over a hot oven trying to make an exciting Xmas dinner for two at my mums has brought me to tears, but needs must and I keep thinking at 90 how much longer will she be around, I need to make her life as happy as possible and although it doesn't sound like it, I do try not to feel like a martyr!!!

I've tried explaining some of this to my siblings but they don't really get it and my brother played the 'well it's easier for you, you're both women' card!!!!!GRRR. Oh well, life can be very confusing sometimes. Good luck with your weekend, hope you manage to sort something out. Please feed back, I really feel for you all, it's very hard.

Eliza

What a lovely post. Well done for trying so hard in difficult circumstances. I hope you’re appreciated. At least you should be able to feel comfortable with yourself

Archergirl

Well none of them can say you haven't tried, if they do just show them this thread.....xx

Archergirl

Is there a possibility they have changed their phone number or there is a problem with the phone so are not getting your messages?

Archergirl

Yes, that's all you can do I think the parent is all that matters, maybe you could drop them a line explaining the situation and what you are doing to try to sort it out. Perhaps you could ask your local charity shops if they get a commode in to save it for you, I have seen one in our from time to time...
Good luck with your new job I hope it goes well,

Savvy_Sue

Red Cross do short term loan of equipment - commodes, wheelchairs, the works ...

Red-Squirrel_2

dipsy wrote: »

Well another week on and still no contact, so basically I give up now

Have contacted the adult care local to home and this was their reply

"Hello Adult services are unable to loan equipment on a short term basis however if our relative came to live with your permanently they would require an assessment of their needs such that the appropriate equipment could be provided at your home address"

Basically, and I do understand the reasons but they won't/can't assist with a temporary arrangement and will only assist for a permanent move, so the plan for Christmas won't work still yet to let sibling know, but I am not calling anymore, it is pointless as they don't pick up the call/reply to VM or emails.

So the plan is now to get a bed, arrange delivery and then try and spend more days there when I visit.

Looks like I have a job and this is going to involve working away so with a bit of luck some of it will be in the area of my parent which means I can spend more time.

Apart from that I am clean out of ideas, offered to organise care/shopping/supplies/stay more etc etc, have a feeling no matter what is proposed unless anyone has any other ideas to try?

thanks

When you message them about Christmas I'd do it be forwarding the email from social care so there can be no arguments.

Your mum and your siblings between them decided that she would live near them and far from you. The consequence of that is that you can't visit as often and can't be as involved in day to day care as they can. That was their choice and they need to accept it. It would not be reasonable for them to expect you to spend Christmas there away from your closest family who have not chosen to live 3 hours away from you.

Stay strong, and good luck with the new job!