advice

dipsy

Deleted as no longer useful

thank you all for the advice which has been taken onboard but some of the comments have been too upsetting for me to read - and this isn't even about me but a friend

I will pass on the advice and hopefully they will get some direction

thank you again

elsien

With regards to Christmas, what does the parent in question want to do? What help do they want/feel they need? Do they appreciate their own support needs?

What does "doing more" actually entail? It could be that the sibling is feeling unsupported and worried about being dumped on in the future rather than help that's needed now. As the nearest child to an older relative, I am aware of my siblings expectations that I will be the one to sort things out in the future, if only from a practical level. Plus there are the usual expectations around gender roles which sometimes get added into the mix

Is the sibling just texting you are are they also texting the other sibling? Can you arrange for all (and parent) of you to meet up the next time you are there. Could you stay over on your next visit to enable this to happen? Maybe they're sending texts when they're feeling overwhelmed and scared for the future - maybe parent is contacting them more often than they expected, now parent is on their own in a new place. You need to try to find out what's really going on. My guess is it's not just about now, but fear about having to carry most of the responsibility in the future as parents care needs increase.

silvercar

Could you invite your parent to spend Christmas with you?

KateBob

Chances are your siblings are just thinking about the 4 hours that you send with your parent rather than the 7 hours spent travelling to allow that, well worth reminding them of that fact.

Regarding Christmas, would it be possible for your parent to stay with you for a few days over the Christmas period, if they wish to? I understand this may not be possible with room/parents health needs but it may help calm the situation down.

silvercar

I have pointed this out to them and so they are aware, I just think talking about what they require, not just barking orders via text would be much better, sadly they don't seem to want to talk - been calling for months and always get the ans machine :-(

Then leave a message that requires a call back: "just wanted to discuss Xmas" or "wanted to let you know what mum said, call me when you are free" may get a response.

I'm in the same situation and I tend to visit for 3 days in one stint to improve the travel time/ quality time ratio, whereas others pop in for a few hours more often. It is a difficult situation and there is no easy answer. Whatever you do you sometimes find is never enough.

Gavin83

dipsy wrote: »

I have pointed this out to them and so they are aware, I just think talking about what they require, not just barking orders via text would be much better, sadly they don't seem to want to talk - been calling for months and always get the ans machine :-(

What are they actually asking you to do?

pinkshoes

Just reply saying you would love to help more, and you have listed local residential homes near you that might be suitable to move parent to, so when they have time could they let you know what they think and perhaps arrange to look round with you.

pearl123

Perhaps its all a bit to much for your other siblings, however they are being unreasonable as you live too far away to be able to do much.
The fact that you go once a month is fair, especially considering you are not working.

Red-Squirrel_2

Maybe your siblings need to be reminded that anything they do for mum is totally optional, and that's its ok for them to do less if they are finding it too much.

Did they want your mum to move close to them and encourage it or did your mum decide and just assume they would provide a lot of care/help?

Marvel1

dipsy wrote: »

The parent in question is quite poorly and on oxygen 24/7 coupled with the fact we have no downstairs toilet the having them to stay with us is not doable.

You can get a commode
https://www.nrshealthcare.co.uk/bathroom-aids/toilet-aids/commodes

My grandfather had this when coming to my parents for dinner.

gettingtheresometime

My sister lives away whereas I live nearer my mum so can see the position from the other side.


A few years back it was strong suspected that my mum would be diagnosed with breast cancer (I went with my mum to the hospital appt so saw how the consultant & nurses interacted with her so I know this to be the case)


That evening I got upset - not only was I contemplating my mum having cancer - but I realised that my sister would play the 'oh if we only lived nearer we could help out card and that it would be down me. My head was racing with how I was going to manage to work, have a life with my family and still look after mum.


I'm not having a go at the OP, especially as I don't know how it was decided which sibling the parent moved to be closer to, and I appreciate that its hard living away to offer proper support but it sounds as if there was a straw that broke the camel's back.