Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018

dreaming

I don't think Mooloo posts wanting advice as such. It seems more of wanting/needing to "voice" her thoughts. I know when I was in the midst of our family problems the thing that kept me going was talking to a therapist, although I often questioned whether I could afford it. 4 years later for me and I recently worked out how much the whole nightmare (adapting the house and all sorts of incidental costs swell as therapy for both of us)has cost financially (emotionally it can't be calculated) but I didn't feel i had much choice. Not quite a house in Portugal but certainly a substantial amount.
I also don't think there is much in the way of unqualified praise on this thread. Many people have criticised/counselled/suggested(call it what you will) but usually in a supportive manner. There is little point in telling someone that they have been rather foolish after the event -especially when they already suspect that. As I have said before it is incredibly difficult to separate emotion from logic in such a volatile family situation. Although now I can see things I could have done differently in my situation I can't say for sure that were the problems to re-surface, I wouldn't do the same things again.

Savvy_sewing

Morning.
I have read the ignore stuff as it was in my notifications email.
I think that there are valid points in what is said, I am stuck on a roller coaster of things, but it's the way things are said there always feels to be a nasty undertone. Perhaps it's just the way I read it.
I must remember not to read the notifications email anymore.

I write as said many many times as it's my way of getting what's in my head out at the time of writing. Yes I have a lot of regular friends here and people that have actually met me in the real world, and yes I am well aware that anyone can read or comment.
Yes I will defend things for the way I see it. I am not sure that I agreed with Biggest for getting a dog though! Maybe I just remember it differently
I am in dispair at her husband for squandering money. The cars are changed bought and sold with regularity, although non are new. I think Biggest refinanced her loan and had a payout for something that paid for the change of car the last time, and I was very annoyed, and that they had a holiday before paying me back. It annoyed me intensely.
DS has acquired the majority of the debts through association with the GF. They are on the last chance saloon to getting their lives back on track. I am not sure if the HGV is ever going to happen, he could have done it years ago when he worked for DAF with his dad. But I believe that he needs something to strive for and a job that takes him away from the pub industry. He needs any job that pays a living wage.

I realise synicism is high about my dreams. That's fine. They are my dreams and it's up to me if I actually make them happen.
My business is ticking along quite well, but I would not say that I was a good business woman. I am a skilled Seamstress, that I would say. But I am sure that if I could get a better business advisor it would be vastly improved. Meanwhile I study self improvement things, I study business and hopefully I will make a breakthrough.
The stock I hold is enough to buy a house in Guarda.
I will continue to put my 10% away each week and rebuild my savings. If I have to move it from savings to debts later then maybe I will just have too. But for now I am letting it slowly grow.

When Dgd goes to her Mum at Christmas my Mum and I will be in Portugal. It's all bought and paid for since May, and I have all my euros still.
We are having a fact finding trip.
This is all helping me to realise my dreams.

BargainJunky

Morning Mooloo I have never commented on your thread before but I can totally understand why you write on it. There are lots of things I could put on a thread of my own which, like yours, are extremely personal sadly I do not have the bottle to do it.


No one walks in your shoes and although they can offer suggestions, advice, criticism or just comfort what you do is down to you and you alone.


Good luck with everything Mooloo I wish I had your stamina and that my mum was there for me as much as you are for your children whatever they do.

annandale

The problem is. Not only are you helping to fund your kids. You are bailing out their partners as well. Biggest is married with kids. If they can't keep afloat then they would need to look at other options. Iva etc

You just said that youve paid out a lot of money in the last 18 months. What about the last five years? Ten years.

It could be 40k, more. Money that you don't have to keep them afloat and you get a percentage of it back.

You do not need to feel guilty for saying no. You are not their cash cow.

Your kids are stopping you from being able to buy that place in the sun and from being able to pay yourself a decent wage from the business.

Or anything that you want to spend your own cash on that you work so hard for.

ognum

Annandale, I will not quote your post at OPs request.

I understand your posts and your frustrations but would also hazard a guess (of course I know nothing about you) that you are single, have no children, live alone and have little close family. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Your observations come from someone who appears to consider solely their own welfare and has little ideas of the push and pull a family has and the unconditional love many people give to their children regardless of their past history.

As a parent I will always do whatever I can for my family even to the detriment of myself. Is this wrong? Well some would say so others would say that their parents did the same for them and in a difficult situation are kids will be there for us and will always be priority.

Believe me it is not a conscious choice Mooloo is making it is instinctive care that comes from the gut. She cannot help it, she will not stop she has unconditional love and will put her kids before herself. It is actually impossible for her to say no. Many of us are the same, that is how I guess you have no children or close family as this raw gut reaction is unknown to you.

Mooloo makes mistakes, read the debt free board she is not the only one, her excess spending is on her family while for others it’s holidays, drink, expensive food etc etc.

She writes here to clear her mind and help her think, like the debt free diaries it helps her consider her next steps. Of course you can be critical but I suggest that you write with little patience for her life because you have little understanding of it and that makes your posts seem overly critical in a way I don’t think you intend.

Maybe as the OP has decided to block your posts it would be worth you trying to help someone else with whom you have more understanding.

KxMx

I even as a single childless person I see there can come a point when the enabling behaviour is recognised by the parent as:

Being detrimental to self (parent); mentally, physically, financially.

Being detrimental to child; they will never learn or try to cope on their own if mum is always there for financial and practical bail outs.
(Even if the children have additional or extra needs)

I've dealt with it the other way round: me enabling a parent. I stopped when I realised just how unhappy it was making me. Since I stopped there have been times when I was surprised at how well parent coped alone. I never gave them the chance before, always jumped into help, usually before I was asked. Now I wait until asked and really consider whether I should say yes or no.

And I'm not talking about financially disadvantaging myself for their benefit either as Mooloo does.

I do hope you take this in kindness because it is meant in kindness

*Robin*

I wonder whether keeping a visual record would help Mooloo's adult children become more mindful of their borrowing?

Am thinking of some kind of ledger, with "Portuguese Adventure" [or whatever title is chosen for Mooloo's dream] written on the front, above a 'photo of the type of house she would like.
Inside, a section for each [STRIKE]child[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]person[/STRIKE] family-borrower, where loan details would be set out, including schedules of promised repayment. Each loan - no matter how small - to be signed for at the time the cash is handed over, with the total also updated then. Every repaid instalment should also be noted and dated.

I used something similar when my boys were young, with desires so immediate but much larger than their savings at the time. Still remember the pride on DS3's face when he ceremonially paid off the last instalment on his Playstation. For him, it was lesson learned.

pollyanna_26

Mooloo I have been ill so haven't been on the forums much . Seeing those figures in black and white will be a bit of a lightbulb moment for you . They aren't the full extent of the money handed over during the years . You will have long forgotten my post about me closing the bank of mum .
I'm not being critical or unkind . I've followed your journey for a long time and admire your determination to run shop and try to forge the future . The downside is you are under pressure physically and emotionally on a daily basis . Everyone is dependent on your ability to keep heading out to earn a living . Your health is not good so I think you should ask yourself who will everyone go to to solve their problems and pay their bills if you are too ill to work .
I have a number of concerns . All the years of fire fighting the latest financial crisis for different family members doesn't seem to have solved much in the long term . You are seen as the solution rather than them getting some sort of grip on reality .
One way or another there needs to be a different approach so each can learn some life skills according to their capability .
I worry about your DGD who can't help but pick up on all the traumas and comings and goings . She recently saw her uncle move in for a short while only to be joined by the GF .
She is the next generation and is in danger of seeing all these happenings as normal everyday life . Not some random emergency once in a while .
At some point the chain of dependency and enablement needs to be broken before you end up burnt out and broken .
Take care

polly x

Chrystal

pollyanna_26 wrote: »

Mooloo I have been ill so haven't been on the forums much . Seeing those figures in black and white will be a bit of a lightbulb moment for you . They aren't the full extent of the money handed over during the years . You will have long forgotten my post about me closing the bank of mum .
I'm not being critical or unkind . I've followed your journey for a long time and admire your determination to run shop and try to forge the future . The downside is you are under pressure physically and emotionally on a daily basis . Everyone is dependent on your ability to keep heading out to earn a living . Your health is not good so I think you should ask yourself who will everyone go to to solve their problems and pay their bills if you are too ill to work .
I have a number of concerns . All the years of fire fighting the latest financial crisis for different family members doesn't seem to have solved much in the long term . You are seen as the solution rather than them getting some sort of grip on reality .
One way or another there needs to be a different approach so each can learn some life skills according to their capability .
I worry about your DGD who can't help but pick up on all the traumas and comings and goings . She recently saw her uncle move in for a short while only to be joined by the GF .
She is the next generation and is in danger of seeing all these happenings as normal everyday life . Not some random emergency once in a while .
At some point the chain of dependency and enablement needs to be broken before you end up burnt out and broken .
Take care

polly x

Well said Pollyanna. I wholeheartedly agree with this, although knowing what you SHOULD do and actually DOING it sometimes takes a great deal of courage.

Savvy_sewing

I agree with Ognum. I struggle to say no. I do act on instinct. I don't offer lightly. But probably don't chase enough.
I have stored the spreadsheet for the two biggest and DS loans and will be printing them off to discuss the future repayment plan with each of them.
I have a picture on the wall with a ideal property in Portugal and I think maybe I could take on board targeting it more. Talking with the kids more about my dreams and plans and making them aware that it is not a dream that I want to let go of!