Inviting a rude relative to Christmas, out of duty

suejb2

Don't do things out of duty. Do them because you want to.

Would you invite her for dinner any other time of the year, I don't think you would, so why feel it your duty to do it now?

She may prefer to be alone and you asking she may feel it her duty to accept.

I have a rude family member, I choose never to be in her company. Other family members choose differently by doing this they enable her rudeness.

Money_maker

Would be interesting to know what relation this relative is. I suspect it may be a daughter which would make the need to invite her more understandable. Any other relative may have a closer relation who could look out for her?

DigForVictory

Why let this situation spoil the whole day? You have left it a little late, but an afternoon tea type thing can be enough to tick the "be nice to X" box without compromising your Christmas or your principles. (Well, it would my principles, but I may run a slightly lower bar.)

Says she with a sister who refuses to play "Happy Families at Christmas" as she (not wholly unreasonably) calls this roaring hypocrisy - we do not gather together & make a fuss the other 364 (or however many you count) so why make a point of Christmas Day?
As our parents are getting into their eighties, I think we could all flex a bit on this, but I'm not going to invite her to bring use my parents as targets for passive aggressive behaviour.

I've also a distinctly eccentric godmother who is an ongoing trial, but my technique for her is simple, to maintain a polite distance & to love her anyway. You'd be stunned at how loving you can feel towards an awkward old lady from two hundred miles away.

scd3scd4

What is wrong with people..................stuff her and enjoy your life!!

trailingspouse

You can choose your friends, you can't choose your relatives.

But you can set boundaries.

If you must invite her - and I can see how that might be - then tell her when to arrive (if dinner is at 2pm, invite her for 1.45), and when dinner is over stand up, tell her how much you've enjoyed seeing her, you must get together soon, have a safe journey home, whilst leading her towards the door. She doesn't need to be with you for the whole day.

scd3scd4

What's the point of all the drama. If the person is poor company and not grateful I would do nothing.

Pollycat

MagicSpaceCake wrote: »

Hi all,


(I am an old-timer user here but felt this post may be slightly 'outing' so created a new profile - plus it is a bit sensitive , if people are mean it could be pretty hurtful)


Anyway, my wife and I have a bit of a gut churning situation going on and we both feel pretty rotten


We have a relative in her mid 30s - who is likely to be on her own at Christmas. She has few friends and has ostracized most family over the years by being rude and / or constantly borrowing money that is never paid back.


To be honest, my wife nor I particularly like this person - we have had a lot of emotional and financial issues with this lady over literally decades, and are pretty worn down with it. However we do care, we care a great deal


In fact she has spent most of the year either being rude or completely ignoring my wife - other than times she has asked my wife for money / help with something.


I think this relative suffers with undiagnosed depression or something but to the uneducated eye such as mine, she's a real negative nancy, struggles to sustain friendships, relationships etc


Anyway, to the point, my wife wants to invite her over for Xmas - if we do, Xmas will be awful, as is every other encounter we have with this lady. She will sit there barely chatting, Hmm and Ahhh , or only answering questions - no conversation - and to be honest there is quite a lot of underneath resentment for all the hurt that has been caused in the past


Neither of us really want to invite her, but guilt tells us we cannot leave a family member (who treats us like garbage for 364 days of the year) on their own at Xmas. Even if they have brought it on themselves.


It is just that by doing so, we know we will be giving up our own xmas


I feel so awful just even considering letting someone else spend xmas on their own


But I feel, at our age (late 50s) we are entitled to a peaceful xmas day, and to actually relax and enjoy it after dealing with years of stress - but then, that means leaving a relative on their own at Xmas - we don't know what to do, we feel twisted up and guilty as hell and whatever we do, it wont be the right thing. My wife is sitting beside me as a type and feels the same


ARGHHHHH, help us please x

Re the bit in bold.......why? Just why?

Read through the bad points you mention about her and ask yourself if she deserves an invite for Christmas.
Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean you have an obligation to invite them into your life and home.
If you think she does deserve an invite, then enjoy your Christmas (or probably not).

*max*

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Unless she's a close relative like your child or a sibling, I really wouldn't worry.

I've a feeling she's their daughter. Might be wrong.

seven-day-weekend

I would invite her for lunch. She is at liberty to say no.

Grandmama

Solution. Find a local eatery that is doing Xmas lunches , plenty around. Just tell her that you will not be in Xmas day. Alternatively, next year, book a Xmas coach holiday and go and enjoy yourselves. Been doing the latter for years.