Inviting a rude relative to Christmas, out of duty

jackieblack

MagicSpaceCake wrote: »

- Jackie Black, I'm not assuming anything, nor insisting anyone does anything - this lady is extremely well known to us for decades and has, more often than not, spent xmas with us.

I didn't say you were insisting (unlike the daughter of the lady I know) but you did say

I feel so awful just even considering letting someone else spend xmas on their own

which does imply that you assume that they wouldn't be happy to do so. Your feelings of (possibly misplaced) guilt shouldn't take precedence over your relative's wishes.

But you know the person in question, we don't, and maybe that isn't what you meant, but we can only go by what you write...

warehouse

Not a chance in h*ll I'd have someone like that in my house bringing everyone else down. You are a nicer person than me OP just to consider it.

hazyjo

MagicSpaceCake wrote: »

Not sure what you mean about the dilemma thingy, but suspect it is a way of throwing doubt on to the integrity of my OP. Thanks for that. Real helpful. hehe

No offence meant mate, it's just MSE post 'dilemmas' every so often (weekly? Monthly? I forget) and every time some people say MSE are making them up. The fact it showed you as a newbie and it was a 'typical MSE dilemma' type post, I was just trying to make light of it, expecting it to pop back up in a few days on the MSE main board. Obviously failed LOL :rotfl:

TBagpuss

Could you compromise by inviting her for a short period - obviously it depends how close she lives but assuming you're fairly local, you could invite her to come round in the evening - if you invite her for (say) 7, then you limit the time she'll be there causing you stress, but you avoid feeling guilty by leaving her alone all day on christmas.

That said, I don't think you should feel guilty, it doesn't sound as though she is a very pleasant person or a very pleasant guest, but if you feel that worrying about her, or feeling guilty, will spoil your enjoyment of christmas, then limit how much time you choose to sacrifice.

Another possibility (depending on what you enjoy) might be to suggest an activity - e.g. that she joins you for a walk followed by mince pies, (if it is your thing)

Silvertabby

I agree with those who suggest inviting her for Boxing Day tea 'if you're not doing anything else'...'

Just a thought - is she likely to just turn up without an invite? If so, I'd make it clear today that her invite is for Boxing day.

PasturesNew

MagicSpaceCake wrote: »

.... we don't make a massive deal of xmas in our home, we just have a chilled day and don't plan on a roast dinner - we have another favorite meal

So - it's actually "not EVEN Xmas" if you invited her.
You'd be inviting her to your house, randomly, for a day with a name when you're not even doing "the full works".

Doubly pointless then.

You're not doing anything special .... just having one of YOUR favourite dinners....

No point inviting her then, just because the day's been given a name.

Another cop out option is to invite her to tea on Christmas Eve .... get it over and done with.... but don't slip up and invite her the next day .... when you're not actually even having a Xmas meal.

System

We have a relative who behaves in a very similar way (alienating everybody for the other 364 days of the year!) and I have always refused to invite her for Christmas.

It actually turned out well, in the end, because she started booking holidays for herself and going away at Christmas time, creating a win-win situation: she gets to go for a nice holiday abroad somewhere and we don't have to put up with her behaviour in our own home.

MagicSpaceCake

jackieblack wrote: »

but you did say which does imply that you assume that they wouldn't be happy to do so. .

Again, I am not assuming anything. You are assuming I am assuming

zagfles

Why would you even think of inviting her? From what you've said she's a user. People like that will carry on using others as long as they get away with it. If she wants people to be be friends with her and invite her to social gatherings etc she needs to learn that other people don't exist just for her benefit, and that she has to be nice if she expects others to be nice to her.

Inviting her isn't a nice thing to do. It's telling her her behaviour is acceptable and people will be nice to her even if she treats them like something they trod it. It's doing her no favours, nor other relatives of hers.

It's no different to spoiling a child. You create a selfish person who thinks the world revolves around them, and no matter how bad they are others will be nice to them. The parents are to blame. Just like you're to blame if you invite her.

Do her a favour, let her spend Christmas alone, maybe it'll help to make her understand she has to be nice if she wants others to be nice to her.

MagicSpaceCake

I think Zagfles, it is because it is Christmas. The idea of someone being lonely is hard at this time of year - and worse when it is someone you care about, and we do care. She is just difficult to be around


Unfortunately you do hit the nail on the head, she IS a user - but it is this concern that she could well be feeling alone, these feelings can get worse at xmas + I know she doesn't like to spend xmas alone. However she isn't a pleasant guest..


I know what you are saying, we only invite her out of duty (and are not proud of that, just being honest) , Things didn't used to be so bad, but have got worse over the years I think


Families eh