Inviting a rude relative to Christmas, out of duty

Barny1979

She needs to learn that you make your bed and have to lie in it, treats people like rubbish but is still offered generosity at Christmas, a couple of Christmasses at home alone may focus her mind.

zagfles

MagicSpaceCake wrote: »

I think Zagfles, it is because it is Christmas. The idea of someone being lonely is hard at this time of year - and worse when it is someone you care about, and we do care. She is just difficult to be around


Unfortunately you do hit the nail on the head, she IS a user - but it is this concern that she could well be feeling alone, these feelings can get worse at xmas + I know she doesn't like to spend xmas alone. However she isn't a pleasant guest..


I know what you are saying, we only invite her out of duty (and are not proud of that, just being honest) , Things didn't used to be so bad, but have got worse over the years I think


Families eh

Why would you want to reinforce her behaviour? Maybe she's got worse because people like you and your wife are still nice to her despite being treated like dirt.

People who act like her need to understand that their behaviour has consequences, such as being lonely. Maybe spending Christmas alone will be the kick up the backside she needs.

Inviting her is saying her behaviour is perfectly acceptable, if people like you carry on doing that she'll never change. And you'll have rubbish Christmases for the rest of your life.

spirit

What would she normally do at Christmas?

Could someone else have invited her?

I'm in the either don't invite,or if you feel you must, make it a short visit camp.

[Deleted User]

MagicSpaceCake wrote: »

To be honest I don't know really what I expected to get from this, in terms of making a decision - I supposed there will be two trains of thought,:-


Invite or don't invite.


Either way, we can't win. We are stuck with her, or the guilt of not inviting her.


Anyway, I think i'll bow out now as I can't see it going any further than that


Thanks all

Is doing something out of guilt more morally correct than not inviting her?

Doing something, not because you want to share someone's company, help them out, make them happy, but out of obligation doesn't seem to be a very nice thing to be honest.

So which is worse invite because you feel that you should, or not invite her because you don't want to? *

You sound as though you do a lot for this person anyway despite their obnoxious behavior. So, personally, I would not invite them:

- You help them out the rest of the year so use the day to relax and get ready for when you have to help them out again (plus practical help for the rest of the year is probably better for her than a meal on one day of the year)

- She has brought the situation on herself anyway

- Not invite and feel guilty versus invite for the wrong reason and then not enjoy the day. That is one reason on the invite side as opposed to two reasons on the not invite side.

* This might sound as though I am having a go at you, but I am not. I am trying to get you to think about whether inviting her when you do want to is actually really a nice thing in the first place? I suspect only a philosopher, or Buddhist monk could answer that question :undecided

maman

There isn't a magic answer but it does sound as if you and your OH have more than done your bit over the years. And because you have then taking a year off (or letting someone else invite her??) is absolutely fine.


The problem is that however often people on here say that, it won't stop you and your wife feeling guilty that she's on her own.


On a more general note, do you plan to put a stop to her behaviour on the other 364 days? Why are you letting her use you? Borrow money?


When I first saw your thread I'd assumed it would be about some bigoted old aunt or granny. Then I might have said indulge her as she won't be around for ever. But this person is only in their 30s. I think you need to put your foot down and not just at Christmas.:)

Red-Squirrel_2

jackieblack wrote: »

Additionally, if I were to be invited to spend Christmas with someone, I would hate to think that I might have been invited for any reason other than being wanted. To be invited but not actually wanted, by someone who didn't like me and who just assumed I wouldn't want to be on my own would be incredibly patronising.

I agree with this. I would be beyond devastated if I ever found out that somebody had spent time with me out of guilt, rather than because they wanted to!

Maybe if nobody invites her this year she'll have a 'Christmas Carol' moment and actually think about how she treats people the rest of the year, you never know!

Mojisola

MagicSpaceCake wrote: »

she IS a user - but it is this concern that she could well be feeling alone, these feelings can get worse at xmas + I know she doesn't like to spend xmas alone.

However she isn't a pleasant guest.

She wouldn't be facing Christmas alone if she wasn't so nasty to other people.

karcher

Why don't you pop round and see her at some point over the next few days, take some mince pies to have with a cuppa, then you have done your 'bit'.

I certainly wouldn't be inviting her for xmas day though, especially if it's just out of guilt!

MagicSpaceCake

Thank you all.


A lot to consider and some real insightful comments there, esp from Fly on the Wall and Maman

Me and my wife have long since realized we have created a bit of a rod for owr own backs with allowing this situation and thank you to those who pick up on that, that there is something needs doing about the rest of the year. We are more emotionally involved than any of the rest of the family


We are formulating a bit more of a long term plan.


After consideration, we think the correct thing to do would be to invite her this year, and keep the visit to a minimum where possible - as posters have suggested.


It seems a bit naff in our minds to not invite her, when we are pretty sure she will be expecting a phone call from us


Following Christmas, we are going to distance ourselves in order to create a happier less stressful future - not cut her out completely , but not initiate contact either. That way I suspect we will barely hear from her anyway - and when she does come to us for money - we won't be giving her any, the more times we say no, eventually she will get the message I would hope


We are considering a holiday next Christmas, and no Grumpy pants wont be invited

pmlindyloo

May I offer a different point of view?

I think the main thing is that you are not going to enjoy Christmas Day on your own because you will be feeling guilty about her being on her own.

It makes no difference that most of us feel that 'she reaps what she sows' you will still feel guilty.

So why not email/text/whatever and say that she would be welcome to join you for dinner/tea/whatever and see what she says? You could even leave it until the last minute!

In the end it is just one day in the year and if she comes and you have a cr*p time, so be it. If she doesn't come then you can enjoy your day without feeling guilty.

PS Must type quicker!!!