Inviting a rude relative to Christmas, out of duty

tesuhoha

*max* wrote: »

I've a feeling she's their daughter. Might be wrong.

In that case they will not enjoy their peaceful Christmas knowing that they have left her out.

karcher

tesuhoha wrote: »

In that case they will not enjoy their peaceful Christmas knowing that they have left her out.

Why?

If the relative is as unpleasant as suggested, makes no effort and from all accounts, takes no pleasure being there, why invite them?

Even if it is a daughter, she is a grown woman and does not need wrapping in cotton wool.

There comes a time when you have to say 'enough is enough' and not entertain a grown woman acting like a petulant child.

tesuhoha

karcher wrote: »

Why?

If the relative is as unpleasant as suggested, makes no effort and from all accounts, takes no pleasure being there, why invite them?

Even if it is a daughter, she is a grown woman and does not need wrapping in cotton wool.

There comes a time when you have to say 'enough is enough' and not entertain a grown woman acting like a petulant child.

Because the parent child bond is a very strong one and no matter what your head says, unless you are a very hard person, the heart will tell you otherwise.

My sister in law walked out on my brother in law over 20 years ago taking their two young daughters with her. Since then he has sent expensive gifts and money every birthday and Christmas. Even though the gifts have been accepted there has never once been a word of thanks or acknowledgement. He has moved on and met someone else but he still gets very very upset over his daughters.

karcher

tesuhoha wrote: »

My sister in law walked out on my brother in law over 20 years ago taking their two young daughters with her. Since then he has sent expensive gifts and money every birthday and Christmas. Even though the gifts have been accepted there has never once been a word of thanks or acknowledgement. He has moved on and met someone else but he still gets very very upset over his daughters.

Sorry but as sad as that ^^ is, I don't see how it is relevant to the OP?

Robisere

dreaming wrote: »

I have struggled over the years with my eldest DD's attitude to Christmas o(r any other "celebration" to be honest), but a week or so ago, at the age of 38, she was diagnosed as having Asperger's and a lot of things have fallen into place. I had suspected for a couple of years that it was more than just her being a bit of a miserable so-and-so, or selfish etc. but she has actually been able to explain some of how she has felt, in that she finds things like family gatherings overwhelming, as she doesn't really do small talk etc. She comes across as very self-centred, and can go for weeks without any contact (if I don't contact her) - she says that to her "out of sight is out of mind", and she lives in the immediate minute rather than thinking about the past, or planning for the future. She has said that in the past she has tried to cover it up but it led to a mental breakdown a couple of years ago. Now it is out in the open it is much easier for her. The last 2 years I have left her alone at Xmas while I go to my other DD's and it has been much happier all round. THus year she has a partner (also with Aspergers) and they plan to spend the day just doing what they always do (watching tv and playing computer games). I have stocked them up with some nice bits and pieces in the food line, and I will cook a roast for them next week (they want to have have egg and bacon for Xmas dinner). Although it is still difficult to get my head round the feeling that we all "ought" to be together as it is Christmas, I can see that it really doesn't mean very much to them.
Have you considered that your relative could have similar problems too? I think, in your shoes, I would be tempted to not invite her, but to make sure she has some nice treats, and perhaps a phone call on the day so she knows you are thinking about her. I hope it all works for you all.

My wife and I know exactly what you mean. Our grandson is in his mid-20's and has been diagnosed since he was 9. He has a great job, being one of those Aspergers sufferers who is extremely intelligent. He also has his own flat where he works from home a lot, and lives alone. His life is work and home: if he is not working at some task for the company that prizes his value to the extent of being the boss's right hand, he is playing and/or creating high end games on a massive computer and server setup. His dad left his mum many years ago, they divorced and mum has another child, with a partner. They both work full time and I have been surrogate dad. The problem is always Christmas: we cannot get him to go to mum's, he doesn't like her partner. We cannot get him to realise that he should buy Christmas cards, he does not understand the concept of family love, never mind family social events, at which he sits and contributes very little. I have bought him a very good present this year and I know he will like it, but I also want him to have Christmas dinner with us. So I have told him that I will keep the present here and pick him up Christmas day, for dinner and to collect it.

Example of Christmas behaviour: I asked him yesterday to go out and get cards for his mum, sister, uncle, cousins and ourselves. "Shops are all shut."

"No, they are open Friday and Saturday" "Can't be - it's Christmas" "Not yet it isn't."

This went on until he hung up and now will not answer the phone, which is what he always does, then tells a lie* such as 'No credit on phone' or similar. So I completely understand Dreaming, where you are coming from. It is difficult to criticise someone who does not understand the grounds for your criticism: you have to have known them since they were born, and live with how they are, to understand that the only choice you can give them, is no choice.

*He does not see himself as lying: I have in the past spoken to his GP, who explained to me that Gson believes they are not lies. It is just that his world view is completely anti-social and he has no concept of taking other people into consideration. He is affectionate, but it is as if he is not there when he hugs one of us. It is very, very difficult and only someone who lives close to an Aspergers sufferer for a long time, knows what it is like.