Inviting a rude relative to Christmas, out of duty

bagpussbear

If a family member treated me like garbage 364 days of the year, there is no way on earth I would invite them round for Christmas.

You are being too nice. You and your wife should just enjoy your Christmas.

Maybe it would do the relative good to sit there on her own and wonder why she isn't invited anywhere for Christmas!

MagicSpaceCake

LindyLoo, you are so right, guilt is a terrible thing, can really eat away at a person - you are spot on, we would feel guilty to the point we would probably spend most of the day discussing her and worrying if she is OK and not feeling too down.


Thing is, Grumpy pants would know we are worried, and would, for added effect, ignore the phone all day - if we tried to phone her on xmas day

System

MagicSpaceCake wrote: »

LindyLoo, you are so right, guilt is a terrible thing, can really eat away at a person - you are spot on, we would feel guilty to the point we would probably spend most of the day discussing her and worrying if she is OK and not feeling too down.


Thing is, Grumpy pants would know we are worried, and would, for added effect, ignore the phone all day - if we tried to phone her on xmas day

I think you need to show a bit more firmness in dealing with this person, if they are as manipulative and vindictive as they sound.

tesuhoha

If you know her that well how about suggesting that you cook Christmas lunch at her house with her? 'For a change.' If she is forced into being the host maybe her behaviour will improve especially if you are preparing food together and cooking.

Then you will be able to take your leave of her if her behaviour starts to deteriorate and let her wonder why you are leaving.

Red-Squirrel_2

I am slightly surprised that you're asking this on the 22nd December. Do you always invite this close to Christmas? If you normally ask her earlier maybe she's assumed she's not invited this year and you are already off the hook?

ManofLeisure_2

We have a similar problem and the difficult family member has been placed on a xmas rota. This year it's our turn to offer hospitality to a Great Aunt who must be the grumpiest woman in the country lol. I look forward to 'next xmas' . OP, you have my sympathy, but take heart in the fact it's only for a day. I'm off to collect Auntie tomorrow and she won't be returning until Tuesday. Give me strength lol

Tabbytabitha

Unless she's a close relative like your child or a sibling, I really wouldn't worry.

Norman_Castle

If its just the two of you I would visit her on Christmas eve with a box of biscuits as a present. You're entitled to a quiet, obligation free Christmas especially regarding someone who seems resentful.
In the past I've turned down invitations to spend Christmas alone. Being alone at Christmas isn't always the worst choice. If she isn't chatty with you its likely she isn't entirely happy and comfortable with you.

dreaming

I have struggled over the years with my eldest DD's attitude to Christmas o(r any other "celebration" to be honest), but a week or so ago, at the age of 38, she was diagnosed as having Asperger's and a lot of things have fallen into place. I had suspected for a couple of years that it was more than just her being a bit of a miserable so-and-so, or selfish etc. but she has actually been able to explain some of how she has felt, in that she finds things like family gatherings overwhelming, as she doesn't really do small talk etc. She comes across as very self-centred, and can go for weeks without any contact (if I don't contact her) - she says that to her "out of sight is out of mind", and she lives in the immediate minute rather than thinking about the past, or planning for the future. She has said that in the past she has tried to cover it up but it led to a mental breakdown a couple of years ago. Now it is out in the open it is much easier for her. The last 2 years I have left her alone at Xmas while I go to my other DD's and it has been much happier all round. THus year she has a partner (also with Aspergers) and they plan to spend the day just doing what they always do (watching tv and playing computer games). I have stocked them up with some nice bits and pieces in the food line, and I will cook a roast for them next week (they want to have have egg and bacon for Xmas dinner). Although it is still difficult to get my head round the feeling that we all "ought" to be together as it is Christmas, I can see that it really doesn't mean very much to them.
Have you considered that your relative could have similar problems too? I think, in your shoes, I would be tempted to not invite her, but to make sure she has some nice treats, and perhaps a phone call on the day so she knows you are thinking about her. I hope it all works for you all.

Diamandis

We have someone like this in our family. I pop down on Christmas Eve with his presents so we have seen him.

Would it be normal to invite someone so last minute anyway?