Inviting a rude relative to Christmas, out of duty

MagicSpaceCake

Hi all,


(I am an old-timer user here but felt this post may be slightly 'outing' so created a new profile - plus it is a bit sensitive , if people are mean it could be pretty hurtful)


Anyway, my wife and I have a bit of a gut churning situation going on and we both feel pretty rotten


We have a relative in her mid 30s - who is likely to be on her own at Christmas. She has few friends and has ostracized most family over the years by being rude and / or constantly borrowing money that is never paid back.


To be honest, my wife nor I particularly like this person - we have had a lot of emotional and financial issues with this lady over literally decades, and are pretty worn down with it. However we do care, we care a great deal


In fact she has spent most of the year either being rude or completely ignoring my wife - other than times she has asked my wife for money / help with something.


I think this relative suffers with undiagnosed depression or something but to the uneducated eye such as mine, she's a real negative nancy, struggles to sustain friendships, relationships etc


Anyway, to the point, my wife wants to invite her over for Xmas - if we do, Xmas will be awful, as is every other encounter we have with this lady. She will sit there barely chatting, Hmm and Ahhh , or only answering questions - no conversation - and to be honest there is quite a lot of underneath resentment for all the hurt that has been caused in the past


Neither of us really want to invite her, but guilt tells us we cannot leave a family member (who treats us like garbage for 364 days of the year) on their own at Xmas. Even if they have brought it on themselves.


It is just that by doing so, we know we will be giving up our own xmas


I feel so awful just even considering letting someone else spend xmas on their own


But I feel, at our age (late 50s) we are entitled to a peaceful xmas day, and to actually relax and enjoy it after dealing with years of stress - but then, that means leaving a relative on their own at Xmas - we don't know what to do, we feel twisted up and guilty as hell and whatever we do, it wont be the right thing. My wife is sitting beside me as a type and feels the same


ARGHHHHH, help us please x

elsien

Invite her for tea on Boxing Day. You get Christmas Day to yourself, unspoiled, she might quite like Christmas Day to herself (some people do, the downer tends to come from feeling as if other people have got more going on than the day itself, if that makes sense) and then you can do your duty without it completely ruining everything the next day.
I think your wish to not leave her out is commendable, but not if it's just the 3 of you. People like that are better when there's a houseful as it spreads the load a bit.

jackieblack

How do you know that she isn't perfectly happy to be on her own for Christmas?

I know your wife means well but this is one of the things that really annoys me about Christmas - the way many people assume that because they wouldn't want to be on their own, everyone else feels the same!

A lady I know quite well told me recently that her daughter is insisting she goes to theirs for Christmas (noisy household, lots of over excited boisterous children and pets), despite the fact she's told them that she'd prefer to be on her own at home. The daughter (who I understand means well) has told her that she can't possibly allow that!
This lady doesn't have the energy for a massive family argument so has capitulated and is dreading it.

Additionally, if I were to be invited to spend Christmas with someone, I would hate to think that I might have been invited for any reason other than being wanted. To be invited but not actually wanted, by someone who didn't like me and who just assumed I wouldn't want to be on my own would be incredibly patronising.

PasturesNew

It's a bit late for invites now, she'll have already bought in her food etc.

She knows she's not been invited for dinner because you've not asked her - and if you were asking her it'd have been ages ago.

So .... plate up a full Xmas Dinner, covered in clingfilm and pop it in the fridge. Invite her over for Xmas Day tea .... and check if she had a Xmas dinner.... and tell her you've made her a Xmas Dinner if she'd like to take it home with her, "you can re-heat that tomorrow".

All bases covered.

I'll be on my own - and, to be frank .... it's better because I get "my Xmas", not somebody else's. Somebody else's house, furniture, TV choices, food choices, when/what you eat ... and you can't just doss about and drink/eat what you like/have when you feel like it, wearing your PJs.

Other people's Xmas day/dinner are never the same as our "perfect one" .... so it's often better to not accept invites involving dinner and a whole day.

starting_again_in_the_sun

Were you and your wife planning to spend the day just you two? If so, as Elsien says, I wouldn't invite her, it will be awkward for everyone and will spoil your Christmas.

If you are having more people over, I probably would invite her. You will have more moral support .

JayJay100

I've been in a similar situation years ago. The way I dealt with it was to cook everything at home, and take it around to the person's house, together with my microwave. I took everything with me; plates, cutlery, glasses: if I thought I needed it, it was in there, purely because I didn't think the person's house would be too clean, and I was right on that score. It wasn't perfect, but it meant that we could leave when we wanted to, rather than trying to get rid of someone, who didn't want to go, from our house. It worked out quite well, as by 3 o'clock, they were so well-fed and drunk, they were asleep in the chair, and all I had to do was shove everything back in the boxes I'd carried it in, and do the washing up at home.

hazyjo

I wouldn't ask her.


If I did/had to (for whatever reason), I would prob make an excuse as to why she could only stay for dinner then b*gger off. I certainly would make the invite an offer, not a request. If she wants to stay alone, she should easily be able to refuse. 'We wondered if you'd like to come for Christmas lunch, although we will have to be away by [insert time] to get to [whoever's] house by X time' so please don't feel obliged, we understand if you have plans or would prefer to stay at home'.


Wondering if this might pop up on the MSE dilemma thingy, especially as it's written by a newbie. Cynical? Moi? :hehe:

MagicSpaceCake

Great Idea, thank you Elsien


- Jackie Black, I'm not assuming anything, nor insisting anyone does anything - this lady is extremely well known to us for decades and has, more often than not, spent xmas with us.


Pastures new- she hasn't brought food etc, she isn't that organized. If no one invites her, she will just eat a regular meal etc, she wont buy xmasy food or celebrate really.


We aren't generally that organized at our house to be honest and both work long hours - xmas planning tends to be a bit last minute and relaxed, we don't make a massive deal of xmas in our home, we just have a chilled day and don't plan on a roast dinner - we have another favorite meal


Like I say, this Is a real emotive subject - we both feel awful about it, and genuinely have good intentions ref the lady in question - but we regret we don't want to make ourselves miserable in order to make her slightly happier for a few hours


and apologies if this has stirred up anything for anyone

MagicSpaceCake

hazyjo wrote: »

I certainly would make the invite an offer, not a request. If she wants to stay alone, she should easily be able to refuse.
Wondering if this might pop up on the MSE dilemma thingy, especially as it's written by a newbie. Cynical? Moi? :hehe:

I agree, an offer, I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable


Not sure what you mean about the dilemma thingy, but suspect it is a way of throwing doubt on to the integrity of my OP. Thanks for that. Real helpful. hehe

consumers_revenge

She sounds awful company....


Like the turkey, let her get stuffed!

MagicSpaceCake

consumers_revenge wrote: »

She sounds awful company....


Like the turkey, let her get stuffed!

Snigger !!!