Single, six kids and going to be debt free!

Mumoffourkids

Thanks Coffee, we actually have a little computer shop in the village here which sells refurbished laptops and I got my eldest one for Christmas. I might go and have a look today as I think when I was looking for my daughter they had some from £105. But good plan for looking for a refurbished one. I love my spreadsheets and doing spreadsheets on a tablet is not fun!

So in other non MSE news, my dad is really annoying me. He keeps saying he wants to help but as he lives about a two hour drive away its not really that possible. In addition the last time I spoke to my step mum was probably two weeks ago when she phoned me up and told me it was all over between her and my dad. So when I was having a tough time with the kids last week, I didn't want to phone my dad as I thought he had enough on his plate. Well last night my step mum phones and acts as if nothing is wrong and everything is fine and tells me off for not phoning them for help last week. In addition she proceeds to tell me what to do to make my kids behave, and how they behave themselves fine when they stay with them. Well that's just brilliant but to be honest she doesn't have kids of her own and has no idea really. So I was getting more and more annoyed with her last night as she just kept repeating what I should be doing.

Then today my dad phones me and says oh I know you are struggling, why doesn't your eldest come and live with us next year when she is doing her a-levels. Oh it won't inconvenience us much. Errr, no that would make my life worse to be honest. Then his next plan is that I uproot my kids and move nearer to him. So they have to leave all their friends, I have to find another job and everything just so I can move nearer to him. Even though he has no ties to the area he lives in as he is now retired and even though my step-mum works, she changes jobs every few months, so she doesn't really have any ties.

Why does he think that that is helping! Sorry rant over!

joeyjimbles

Oh dear, not the kind of help you need.
Which does beg the question, what could you get him to do that would help? Would it be possible, if you know the answer to that question, to ask him for the help/support that would make a difference - or would that not be met with the right kind of response?

Working_Mum

Mumof4,
My heart goes out to you - it is really really tough raising children on your own (whatever their age).

I have been divorced for about 8 years and it is amazing how sooooo many people juts love to give me (unsolicited) advice about how to live my life despite neither being in my position or having asked about my situation.

I had a few strategies - one was/is to chuck everything in the F'it Bucket and carry on!! I spent a few minutes every day deciding what was important to me and MY children and chose to work towards those things. I included my kids in the process so they could see we were all heading in the same direction. If something was asked which wasn't on our Plan then the answer was discuss, compromise and agree a way ahead. I felt this showed the kids the right way to navigate life.

I became very aware of how people made me feel when I had been in their company. It meant I stopped hanging round with certain people because of how I always felt inadequate/unhappy/twitchy/ dis-satisfied when I had been in their company. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and support you to achieve your family goals. Limit exposure to people who drag you down or suck the energy out of you - these energy vampires may be part of your family though lol

I chose to always, always, always see the good - which meant my cup is always half full. My son's boundless energy was his natural exuberance which was going to see him play loads of rugby etc. My daughter's constant questioning is a great skill because she doesn't take anything at face value. My relationships changed in a second with this strategy

Give yourself a big pat on the back you sound as if you have a great gaggle of kids who support you in their own way. I would definitely NOT suggest to your D that she moves away for A levels - she needs her family then more than ever and you will want to go through the University choosing process with her and be part of that exciting time in her life (kids are only little for five minutes and then you have a house which is permanently tidy and everything is exactly where you left it which bring s its own heartache).

((hugs)) to you

WMx

PS - I also only thoroughly tidy the "communal areas" in my house - the state of the kids rooms once they got to be about 10 years old was down to them lol

Mumoffourkids

joeyjimbles wrote: »

Oh dear, not the kind of help you need.
Which does beg the question, what could you get him to do that would help? Would it be possible, if you know the answer to that question, to ask him for the help/support that would make a difference - or would that not be met with the right kind of response?

Thanks Joey for your reply. What would help is if I had a separate room downstairs that could be a toy room. I could then just shut the door on it. The only way I could get a bigger house is would be to have a guarantor as I rent. I am not sure if he could be a guarantor as he is retired. He lives too far away to help with running the kids to clubs really but I will have a think about anything else he could maybe help with.

Mumoffourkids

Working_Mum wrote: »

Mumof4,
My heart goes out to you - it is really really tough raising children on your own (whatever their age).

I have been divorced for about 8 years and it is amazing how sooooo many people juts love to give me (unsolicited) advice about how to live my life despite neither being in my position or having asked about my situation.

I had a few strategies - one was/is to chuck everything in the F'it Bucket and carry on!! I spent a few minutes every day deciding what was important to me and MY children and chose to work towards those things. I included my kids in the process so they could see we were all heading in the same direction. If something was asked which wasn't on our Plan then the answer was discuss, compromise and agree a way ahead. I felt this showed the kids the right way to navigate life.

I became very aware of how people made me feel when I had been in their company. It meant I stopped hanging round with certain people because of how I always felt inadequate/unhappy/twitchy/ dis-satisfied when I had been in their company. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and support you to achieve your family goals. Limit exposure to people who drag you down or suck the energy out of you - these energy vampires may be part of your family though lol

I chose to always, always, always see the good - which meant my cup is always half full. My son's boundless energy was his natural exuberance which was going to see him play loads of rugby etc. My daughter's constant questioning is a great skill because she doesn't take anything at face value. My relationships changed in a second with this strategy

Give yourself a big pat on the back you sound as if you have a great gaggle of kids who support you in their own way. I would definitely NOT suggest to your D that she moves away for A levels - she needs her family then more than ever and you will want to go through the University choosing process with her and be part of that exciting time in her life (kids are only little for five minutes and then you have a house which is permanently tidy and everything is exactly where you left it which bring s its own heartache).

((hugs)) to you

WMx

PS - I also only thoroughly tidy the "communal areas" in my house - the state of the kids rooms once they got to be about 10 years old was down to them lol

Thank you working mum for your comments. It had definitely given me something to think about and my daughter will definitely not be moving away to do her a levels. She has been offered a place at a nearby grammar school which has a very good languages department so I think she will be going there as long as she gets the GCSE grades needed.

I have had a chat to my eldest tonight and have said I think each of the four eldest should have a job that they do everyday which would help me. She agrees and hopefully we will all sit down Friday and work out which jobs they will do. Even if it is just tidying the toys in the living room, or putting the washing up away, that would help.

Mumoffourkids

Ok so in MSE news, I have received a letter bank from one of my creditors where I had a loan and an overdraft. I sent out letters before Christmas asking them to confirm balances so that I could work out payments. Well the reply I have had today is very interesting. They have basically said that the bank has made a commercial decision to close the debts with the indicated balance of debt still outstanding. They have said they will no longer pursue me for his debt but will continue to be reported to the credit reference agencies. They have said I can make voluntary payments to my debt. So what does that mean? I have a default already as I haven't paid anything for almost two years. Would it be worth sending a full and final settlement to them of really low so it gets settled? Confused now!

Sayschezza

Take what your SM says about your kids always behaving when they are there as a big compliment. Best they can differentiate between behaving in company and ordinary home life.

I didn’t clean, tidy, change beds or iron for any of my 3 once they turned 14. Only rule was if the mess, dust or dirt from their rooms came under the doors into the rest of the house there would be words said. Clean linen was handed over for them to decide when they wanted to change beds. Vacumn was offered when I had it upstairs anyway. I never went into their bedroom without knocking or if they asked me in to help declutter etc. I ironed best shirts and pressed trousers when and if asked. The trick is not to get them to do things for you but to teach them to do things for themselves. They are all grown up now and run their own houses and still talk to me so guess I must have done something right. Oh and don’t shout as they switch off and ignore you.

camz2017

Hey again, I'm sorry to hear the kids aren't helping out. I didn't tidy or clean after myself as a child, and I was likely a selfish menace at that age. I think you do a great job, you work and look after six children which is absolutely incredible and you still remain so positive.

RE your bank response do pop a post over here separately:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76
There are some better experts who can help over there.

RE new laptop: some discussion of buying a refurb machine. I do believe "buy once buy right" and my experience of refurb has been a real 50/50. I had a refurb phone which got network blocked, as it was stolen, sold to a popular recycling site, then sold to me, then eventually blocked by the network. Popular well known recycling site took no liability... Laptop wise, I tried 3 refurbs from the currys pc world ebay store and they all had a fault of some sorts, all got returned and I bought new - had that for about 5 years without a single problem.

I wont chip in too much on the kids situation other than to say I hope they help out and I hope you get to feel better.

Mumoffourkids

camz2017 wrote: »

Hey again, I'm sorry to hear the kids aren't helping out. I didn't tidy or clean after myself as a child, and I was likely a selfish menace at that age. I think you do a great job, you work and look after six children which is absolutely incredible and you still remain so positive.

RE your bank response do pop a post over here separately:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76
There are some better experts who can help over there.

RE new laptop: some discussion of buying a refurb machine. I do believe "buy once buy right" and my experience of refurb has been a real 50/50. I had a refurb phone which got network blocked, as it was stolen, sold to a popular recycling site, then sold to me, then eventually blocked by the network. Popular well known recycling site took no liability... Laptop wise, I tried 3 refurbs from the currys pc world ebay store and they all had a fault of some sorts, all got returned and I bought new - had that for about 5 years without a single problem.

I wont chip in too much on the kids situation other than to say I hope they help out and I hope you get to feel better.

Thanks Camz, if I do but a refurb laptop it will be from the local shop. He is a local business and if anything ever went wrong, he would sort it out. He took my daughter's old pc in part exchange for her laptop. I will go and look on Friday and see what's about.

I he had a chat with the eldest tonight before sending went rugby training and I think she understands that she needs to help a bit more.

Oh and I'm not always so positive!

Mumoffourkids

Ok so I posted about the letter on that forum Camz and the advice is that the bank us not going to chase and it will just drop off my file. Nothing more to do, so that's just wiped just over £7000 off my debt.

Result, but I feel bad about not paying back money that I have spent.