I'm in love with a 25yo man and I have a problem

Jenniefour

marliepanda wrote: »

If the younger man required a mentor like this, he may well be classed as a vulnerable adult, which puts a very different spin on things. Do you think if a teacher waits until a 16-yr pupil leaves their school to pursue them it becomes okay? (after the teacher repeatedly dropped hints as to whether or not that person 'liked them' despite receiving no reciprocation (which could indeed be harassment)?

Just because the man involved is 25 does not make this okay, nor the fact the particular aspect of the relationship has ended. It also has nothing to do with the age difference. The OP could be 26 and still be considered abusive in the situation, or indeed 191 The problem is the nature of the relationship.

I agree with what you say - but there is no indication from OP's post that he is doing anything abusive or is a predatory person - he has discovered he has feelings for this man, and there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that. Feelings are feelings. As LameWolf has said, the young man probably isn't interested, as OP's hints haven't been responded to at all. OP needs to step back and carefully consider the implications of that - including how he might be encouraging/have encouraged an unhealthy dependency based on what are possibly two entirely different agenda's - the possible loneliness of the younger man and OP's feelings for him, which are not reciprocated.

marliepanda

Jenniefour wrote: »

I agree with what you say - but there is no indication from OP's post that he is doing anything abusive or is a predatory person - he has discovered he has feelings for this man, and there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that. Feelings are feelings. As LameWolf has said, the young man probably isn't interested, as OP's hints haven't been responded to at all. OP needs to step back and carefully consider the implications of that - including how he might be encouraging/have encouraged an unhealthy dependency based on what are possibly two entirely different agenda's - the possible loneliness of the younger man and OP's feelings for him, which are not reciprocated.

I am not saying he is abusive or a predator. What he is is someone who may be abusing their position as a trusted person in this mans life, as continually hinting (by OP's admission) at the possibility of a romantic relationship without ever getting any sort of hint back, is abusing his position of trust.

Tabbytabitha

Jenniefour wrote: »

I really can't fathom some of the responses here. The mentor relationship has ended, OP is not going to lose his job, he hasn't committed a crime, neither has he said or implied he's harassing the other man in this friendship sexually or otherwise.

OP, I suggest you consider the advice others have given to see a counsellor so you have somewhere safe to consider all this.

The OP has said in his post that he knows the other guy doesn't want this and yet he keeps dropping hints. How is that not sexual harassment?

System

He is single, has had no girlfriends and has few friends. I have helped him with financial planning, benefits, housing, life skills

Well whats wrong with that? Ive 'mentored' a few people in my life by doing just that... and ive stayed firm friends with some of them... I even gave birth to some of them.

The key is whether you 'mentored' them on a professional basis.

Whatever the outcome, someone is going to get hurt.

fairy_lights

Jenniefour wrote: »

neither has he said or implied he's harassing the other man in this friendship sexually or otherwise.

OP said he's dropped 'many, many hints' to his friend about how he feels. I wonder what form those hints have taken? I can easily see how 'hints' can become 'harassment', especially if the friend is reliant on him and doesn't know how to tell him to back off.

marliepanda

fairy_lights wrote: »

OP said he's dropped 'many, many hints' to his friend about how he feels. I wonder what form those hints have taken? I can easily see how 'hints' can become 'harassment', especially if the friend is reliant on him and doesn't know how to tell him to back off.

Exactly this. Imagine if you had a friend/ex mentor who you needed at the time to feel confident in housing, money, finance, and now in order to continue to access that help you feel you have to put up with these hints?

McKneff

Oh, your poor, poor wife.

This makes me so sad.

Loz01

I think you need to work out your sexuality REGARDLESS of the situation with this other guy... its not really fair on your wife.

TBagpuss

OP, you may or may not be gay, or bi. You may find it helpful to speak to a counsellor to discuss these feelings and your reaction to them.

If you do reach the conclusion that you are gay or bisexual then you should consider talking to your wife, so that the two of you, as a couple, can determine whether you stay together or not.

It'n not uncommon for people who are bisexual to also be monogamous. Only you can decide whether your wish to explore this new found part of your personality is worth risking your marriage. But that is what you decide, you need to try other options for dating or meeting men, rather than making advances to a young man who, even on your own description, is not interested in you that way.

So far as this particular man concerned, you've drops lots of hints and he hasn't responded. He is not interested in you.

You will need to decide whether you can accept that, and continue to be friends with him, without either hoping or hinting or anything more, or whether that is too difficult, in which case you need to stop seeing him (preferably giving him some innocuous reason)

Bear in mind that based on your description, he is more likely to see you as a father figure or mentor than as a possible romantic or sexual partner, and explicitly telling him your feelings could be very upsetting for him.

hollydays

Also it may be that he’s too afraid to outright turn you down because you are in a position of power over him.

He may have felt confused by your comments and unable to express he wasn’t comfortable with them.