I'm in love with a 25yo man and I have a problem

System

Slopemark wrote: »

I am a 55yo man who has been married for 25 years. I have a wife and two grown up children. Until now I have identified as straight, though have occasionally fantasied about same sex relationships.
Two years ago I was teamed up with a 25yo man in a mentor relationship. The scheme came to an end very quickly but we stayed friends in an informal mentor way.
He is single, has had no girlfriends and has few friends. I have helped him with financial planning, benefits, housing, life skills. We meet up at least once a week and have a trip out such as walking or shopping. We are firm friends.
In June last year I realised that I was in love with him. These feelings have not gone away and if anything are now stronger than before. I can think of little else except him, I dream of him, I fantasise about being with him. I dream of us running off together and having a long term same sex relationship. I do not know if he is gay or straight.
The problems are
1. I am 55 he is 25.
2. I am married with a wife who I don't want to hurt.
3. It's difficult to see how we could have a long term relationship.
4. I've dropped loads and loads of hints to him, but he has never given the slightest hint that he thinks the same as me. He has had every opportunity and not taken any of them.
5. Does this mean I am gay and I'm living a lie?
I am considerinng telling him outright what I want but I fear he will probably reject it and end our friendship. Then I'd never see him again and that would kill me. If I say nothing we will probably stay friends but j will never know if it could ever have gone farther. If I tell him and by some miracle he does say it's what he wants, what then? Wouild I really leave my wife and comfortable life, could I really hurt her in that way?
My head says all this is madness. There's no way he wants this. I have to snap out of it. But I find that impossible, I could not possibly at the moment give up seeing him.
Do I tell him and risk disaster? Am I suffering a mid life crisis? I cannot go on like this but I can't find a way out. My head says stop. My heart tells me otherwise. I am behaving foolishly and treating my wife very badly.
What can i do? I am making myself ill and depressed.

In other words he is a vulnerable adult, and can most certainly do without his mentor gaying him up. If this post is for real I hope you don't act on your fantasies.

[Deleted User]

Seriously creepy

IAmWales

LandyAndy wrote: »

I'm amazed no one has suggested the OP hands himself in at the nearest police station.

I'm not, but like others I am thinking there could be an abuse of position.

(And trying to ignore the troll alarm that's ringing quite loudly. There has been an influx of these uncomfortable/ contentious threads recently.)

itsanne

Slopemark wrote: »

Two years ago I was teamed up with a 25yo man in a mentor relationship. The scheme came to an end very quickly but we stayed friends in an informal mentor way.
He is single, has had no girlfriends and has few friends. I have helped him with financial planning, benefits, housing, life skills.

What can i do? I am making myself ill and depressed.

Trying to stay 'friends' with him will keep you obsessing - you need to walk away. Neither the age difference nor sexuality are the most significant aspects: he's vulnerable, and all the above is tantamount to grooming him if you do anything at all.

fairy_lights

So you were teamed up with a lonely, vulnerable man young enough to be your son, gained his trust over the course of a few years and now you're frustrated because he's not responding to your hints that you want to bang him.
This has got to be a troll?

hunters

I'm in love with Kevin the Carrot but today he got a girlfriend, Katie the Carrot

Jenniefour

I really can't fathom some of the responses here. The mentor relationship has ended, OP is not going to lose his job, he hasn't committed a crime, neither has he said or implied he's harassing the other man in this friendship sexually or otherwise.

OP, I suggest you consider the advice others have given to see a counsellor so you have somewhere safe to consider all this.

LameWolf

Slopemark wrote: »

Yes I realise that. But what if in a few years time I find out he really did want it but was too shy to say or thought i didnt....

You said in your original post that you've dropped "loads and loads of hints" - so I'd be inclined to say he definitely isn't interested in that way.

Some years back, I was friends with a female colleague (I'm also female btw) to the extent that I used to look after her animals for her when she was on holiday.

One day she invited me round for dinner, and during the course of the evening said straight out that she was bi - and waited for me to say something. I simple said "Oh, ok" and moved the conversation on to something else. I didn't want to be rude and say "well I'm not, I'm straight" or something, but it was enough to let her know that I wasn't interested in a relationship with her.

My feeling is that if your friend hasn't taken any of your hints, it's simply not for him.

marliepanda

Jenniefour wrote: »

I really can't fathom some of the responses here. The mentor relationship has ended, OP is not going to lose his job, he hasn't committed a crime, neither has he said or implied he's harassing the other man in this friendship sexually or otherwise.

OP, I suggest you consider the advice others have given to see a counsellor so you have somewhere safe to consider all this.

If the younger man required a mentor like this, he may well be classed as a vulnerable adult, which puts a very different spin on things. Do you think if a teacher waits until a 16-yr pupil leaves their school to pursue them it becomes okay? (after the teacher repeatedly dropped hints as to whether or not that person 'liked them' despite receiving no reciprocation (which could indeed be harassment)?

Just because the man involved is 25 does not make this okay, nor the fact the particular aspect of the relationship has ended. It also has nothing to do with the age difference. The OP could be 26 and still be considered abusive in the situation, or indeed 191 The problem is the nature of the relationship.

74jax

Regardless of what you do with the other person or not, you need to allow your wife to find someone who she can share the rest of her life with who wants to be with her.


My advise would be the exact same if you had fallen for another woman, rather than a man.


If you cannot commit to her then as much as it will hurt her now, in the long run she has a chance of happiness with someone who will put her first.