Hopefully you can help resolve this argument one way or another!

LeesArt

I agree, daft suggestion.

She should tale ALL her income back, then pay her usual LESS £600 and give up the extra job,

The more I think about this the more I think he has other reasons, something going on at home that the lodger would see.

It makes no sense to buy a house on the basis that they would take a lodger so they could afford a bigger place as this is their first house after saving for ages, then to renege on that agreement.

His throwing of toys and their dysfunctional way of communicating means that she needs to talk in a language he understands, MONEY.

hollydays

FBaby wrote: »

Really it comes down to this. So either you too are not seeing it the same way, ie. it was clear to you that the purchase of the house was dependent on having lodger and this was not just mentioned, but discussed in details, income worked out, agreed who would handle the management of this business, decided how much rent you would ask with/without utilities, in which case you are right. Or was it a case of mentioning that IF you were struggling to repay the mortgage, you could consider having a lodger to make ends meet, in which case, he would be right.

If it was agreed in detail, and he changed his mind, he owes you a clear explanation and him to hold the responsibility of finding a fair compromise.

If you can't agree on the lodger/share of income, could you agree on giving up the mortgage overpayment for some time? That would go against the plan but then it sounds like that has already happened.

Agree with this post, but I also feel there’s some information missing or something else going on that I can’t quite put my finger on...
It seems there’s something to do with emotions going on that needs fixing pdq.
Are you really listening to each other?
Is this REALLY about the house OP or is it about your relationship?

getmore4less

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

The lender won't have taken lodger income into account, they can afford it if they stop overpaying, I'm certain of it.

They can afford it with the overpayment and have been for months.

What the lender included is not relevant it is their budget that is the problem

The point was the choice of where the £600pm cuts would be is not working for both of them they need to go back to the budget they use when they planned this and do it again without the lodger money.


I suspect he planned this all along, agreeing to a lodger was the way to get the OP onboard.

chesky

getmore4less wrote: »

I suspect he planned this all along, agreeing to a lodger was the way to get the OP onboard.

I thought this the minute I read the first post. Had a similar situation with a couple I knew. They agreed to move when the kids left home. She was lukewarm about it but didn't let on and hoped he would go off the idea over the years. But he didn't and there was an almighty bust up when the time he'd been waiting for came and she dug her heels in.

Pollycat

LeesArt wrote: »

The more I think about this the more I think he has other reasons, something going on at home that the lodger would see.

You've read something into this that I can't see at all.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

You've read something into this that I can't see at all.

Quite agree.

And I also don’t agree with the comments by LeesArt and others about laying down the law, saying what she is going to do with the money, etc. The OP has indicated that she and her partner get along well the vast majority of the time and he is a kind and gentle man. That sort of confrontation is unlikely to do any good. I think it’s time for jaw jaw not war war.

I’m with chesky. Saying he planned to is, to my mind, rather strong. But I think it likely that he was never that keen on the lodger idea - agreed with it but hoped either the OP would change her mind or something would come along to render it unnecessary. And then it actually happened. To be honest I’ve been the same in the past. I don’t like confrontation and if someone has strong views (my ex did) I’d go along with it. I’m not saying it’s right but I can see how it happens. My current OH has changed me in this respect

As to “whining” to his sister - sometimes many of us need a sympathetic ear from someone who is a bit at arm’s length.

I come back to what the OP has said about her partner and their relationship. Going on that I’d say it’s time to let the dust settle and get back to what works for them. Not go face to face

onomatopoeia99

LeesArt wrote: »

They are so short of money that HE is questioning how much she spends on her hair.

They aren't short of money as they are overpaying the mortgage. They are making financial decisions that are forcing economies in areas that the OP doesn't like. They need to re-assess their financial priorities.

As in - better mortgage rate in future or fancy shoes / haircut now?

Pollycat

NeilCr wrote: »

Quite agree.

And I also don’t agree with the comments by LeesArt and others about laying down the law, saying what she is going to do with the money, etc. The OP has indicated that she and her partner get along well the vast majority of the time and he is a kind and gentle man. That sort of confrontation is unlikely to do any good. I think it’s time for jaw jaw not war war.

I agree with your comments about the OP's OH.

In an earlier thread he came across as supportive in a financial way.

catkins

Me and DH have had only a joint account since we got married. I must admit I would be upset and probably annoyed if he suddenly decided to open his own single account. I think he would feel the same if I decided to open one too. The difference is he doesn't mind me paying to have my hair cut or buy clothes etc.

He will often nag me because I spend very little on myself. I do get my hair cut about every 6 weeks but rarely buy clothes and, if I do, I buy them in charity shops or somewhere like Primark.

What if you said you were going to pay your extra money into the joint account but set aside x amount each week/month for things you need? He surely would not object to that?

Does he not spend money on himself - clothes, haircut, books, music etc? It's not really possible to never spend money.

Having or not having a lodger is a different matter. If he originally thought it was a good idea and that was part of the reason you bought the house then, to be honest, I would be bloody annoyed that he has now changed his mind. Do you know why exactly he has?

At least in your situation they would be pretty self contained. When we bought our first house and the mortgage rate went up and up and up the only way we could manage was to get a lodger. We lived in a small terraced 2 bed house. I hated having a lodger there. We had no privacy, he always seemed to be in the bathroom when I wanted it, in the way in the small kitchen etc.

Would he agree to getting a lodger for a trial period? What about, as another poster suggested, trying to find a lodger that only wants to be there Monday to Friday so you have the weekends on your own?

A poster suggested airbnb and I think that could be a good idea. Depending where you live and what sort of price you could charge you may be able to make a reasonable amount but without having someone there all the time.

Also with airbnb there is a good chance anyone staying will be out and about most of the time and just there to sleep and have breakfast. Me and DH use them a lot and we spend very little time in any of them. It would also give you a chance to see how you both feel having someone else there. If you both hated it the first time you would never need to accept another guest if you didn't want to

Elinore

Just a quick set of comments – well it started out quick…….

Affordability was fine (and didn’t count in the lodger in the purchase)

The house was badly marketed- dark muddled photos with none of its features shown (no floor plan so the particulars were confusing no doubt put people off) We only viewed at the almost rabid insistence of the Agent and put in a very low ball offer (as though we really liked it the house was well out of our price range).


Sellers, much to our surprise accepted our offer immediately with no quibble.
Right up to the day we moved in we were waiting to be gazumped, to find out the roof was a death trap, the sellers to call up and say that they wanted more ££ or discover that there was a drug den next door. . We found out, after the sale, the couple had already emigrated and needed the house gone. So though we bought at near the top of our budget we got a LOT more house for our money. With some elbow grease and some paint and local sold prices we are hoping this will stand us in good stead when we re mortgage.

Overpaying was always on the cards – mutually agreed. However the was going to come from the lodger and therefore not out of our budget.

Genuinely Mr. spends very little - he clippers his hair, has a beard. Is an introvert so no real social budget. Tee and jeans so no great clothing budget.

We have always been frugal we rarely have debt, saved a deposit and normally had a plump rainy day fund (which was already depleted by over half by the house purchase) We both pay to good pensions and utilise offers and meal plans to keep our outgoings low. I love DFW and lurk there regularly. Our budget was sound until a frankly bonkers litany of breakdowns, dental woes, doggy mishaps killed the savings dead and put some on the cards. We also had two big short term outgoings take the last remaining wiggle room in the budget (they both finish next year – about the same time we re-mortgage) This means all available funds were paying our main bills.

We then both got second jobs – this allowed for petrol money and overpayments with some fun money. These jobs slotted very well into our daily lives – Mr. works a very early shift so just tacks a hour or so on the end of his. I also work a very early job. The weekend job is done first thing so leave the day free. There is so little wiggle room the ‘fun money’ got sucked in to trying to rebuild some savings or those small costs that crop up – flowers for your SIL, birthday/leaving/weddings family events that we actually want to attend - kind of thing.

Cue third job.

Text from SIL yesterday (I was out) she was very very gently irritated at Mr. and feels he wants his cake and to eat it. She was very sweet and feels that we are, like a number of people have mentioned, both right. So, my envisioning his family baying for my blood for upsetting him seems to have been a needless worry.

Not had the chance to chat yet – it will likely be over the weekend


(P.s we do have one expense we whole heartedly agree on - The Mutts excellent doggy daycare in the mornings while we are out - that is our only extravagance!)