Hopefully you can help resolve this argument one way or another!

NeilCr

To be honest it sounds like two people talking at each other rather than to each other

I agree with Pollycat. This doesn’t sound anything like the relationship you’ve described before. You need to get back to that.

CruisingSaver

If Mr is so intent on overpaying would he compromise to reducing the overpayment so that you both have spending money?

Life is for living not being miserable whilst you make overpayments you don't need to.

krlyr

Elinore wrote: »

It’s been a while – oddly, I’ve been busy

Just thought I would update. Even it’s not a major one as basically it had fallen to a frosty stalemate.

Mr. still wants to overpay, it was the plan all along (we have had lodgers before with no issue) – feels that we just need to keep on as we are scrimping making all the bills/overpayments meaning lodger is not needed.

I am still unhappy that we both have to make up £300 each in shortfall and just be getting by the skin of our teeth. So having to justify any outgoing however small.

So I started the new job to stony silence and a deliberate stance to make things awkward for me. As I get paid weekly and had my first pay - I have already had my hair cut and nails done, bought some clothes off eBay and got some much needed makeup. I felt so much better! (All budget, second hand unused but good makes)

Then this morning Mr. withdrew exactly the same amount as I spent out of the joint account.

And that’s where we are.

I would sit him down and ask him to explain to you why he feels you need to work three jobs to contribute more money to the household (because his withdrawal suggests he views your third wage as household money) vs his two.

I would also be tempted to ask why he gets to decide what the money is spent on (e.g. overpayments) yet you can't budget for spend on haircuts or new clothes. This is not an equal relationship in terms of finance, and I would want justification on why.

I'd be tempted to say quit the third job and see what he says when you start using the joint account to pay for essentials like a haircut, but given your latest posts, that third job may be useful if things go that south..

esmy

Elinore wrote: »

Then this morning Mr. withdrew exactly the same amount as I spent out of the joint account.

And that’s where we are.

I'm curious to know how he knows what you spent - not what it was spent on as that might be obvious, but the amount. Do all your moneys from all your various jobs go into the joint account??
Sorry just seen that your third job money goes into your personal account - so how does he know?

Pollycat

Elinore wrote: »

It’s been a while – oddly, I’ve been busy

Just thought I would update. Even it’s not a major one as basically it had fallen to a frosty stalemate.

Mr. still wants to overpay, it was the plan all along (we have had lodgers before with no issue) – feels that we just need to keep on as we are scrimping making all the bills/overpayments meaning lodger is not needed.

I am still unhappy that we both have to make up £300 each in shortfall and just be getting by the skin of our teeth. So having to justify any outgoing however small.

So I started the new job to stony silence and a deliberate stance to make things awkward for me. As I get paid weekly and had my first pay - I have already had my hair cut and nails done, bought some clothes off eBay and got some much needed makeup. I felt so much better! (All budget, second hand unused but good makes)

Then this morning Mr. withdrew exactly the same amount as I spent out of the joint account.

And that’s where we are.

I think this is petty in the extreme.

It sounds like he is deliberately goading you.

FBaby

Then this morning Mr. withdrew exactly the same amount as I spent out of the joint account.

How did he know how much you'd spent? Unless you told him in which case, what was the purpose to do so except to wind him up?

I think you are both stuck in wanting to prove the other one wrong and not listening to each other.

Someone's going to make the first move to hold their hands up or you stay stuck where you are until things are so bad, you break up an otherwise healthy marriage.

gettingtheresometime

FBaby wrote: »

How did he know how much you'd spent? Unless you told him in which case, what was the purpose to do so except to wind him up?

I think you are both stuck in wanting to prove the other one wrong and not listening to each other.

Someone's going to make the first move to hold their hands up or you stay stuck where you are until things are so bad, you break up an otherwise healthy marriage.

In fairness to my hubby, he may notice I've had my hair cut but he doesn't ask how much it cost, so it sounds like the husband asked with the sole intention of withdrawing the same amount.


I'd agree with you that the situation needs defusing and compromise shown by both the OP & her hubby

Malthusian

Elinore wrote: »

That's what happens when two normally levelheaded people mix money and large doses of righteous indignation.

Every household decision involves money, whether implicitly or explicitly. If you're only levelheaded when there's nothing to disagree on then you're not levelheaded. The measure of levelheadedness is in how you resolve problems and disagreements. This is not how levelheaded adults behave.

I find it absolutely amazing that anyone would be happy for their spouse to be working three jobs, day, evening and weekend. In any circumstances, let alone where there are two perfectly good alternatives (1. get a lodger 2. stop overpaying the mortgage). Just so he can have a bit of extra space in the house. (I say "he" - you don't benefit from the extra space in the house as you're never in it.)

This argument is only going to be resolved one way. Firstly, quit one or two of your jobs. Secondly, make it clear to your husband that working three jobs is not an option, because stress, fatigue and bitterness will destroy your marriage. And that between you, you have to decide between stopping the overpayments and taking in a lodger.

fairy_lights

Elinore wrote: »

Mr. still wants to overpay, it was the plan all along

It was also the plan all along that you would get a lodger to help make those overpayments.
Doesn't he understand that by changing his mind about half of the original plan, the rest of it isn't going to work?
Either you can have a lodger and overpay, or decide you don't want a lodger after all, and not overpay.
Trying to make overpayments without having the lodger is quite literally trying to have his cake and eat it.

FBaby

I'd agree but it wasn't just a haircut, but also the nails, make-up and clothes on ebay (so not even able to really guess the cost).

So either he pestered OP to tell him how much she spent and she told him or she told him to make a point.