can 'space' really help?

Primrose

Yes, you need to prioritise your own needs right now. None of them are insubstantial. Your health is key, and the new job will obviously take up a lot of your emotional concentration.
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Might it help if the two of you agreed a regular time interval for an update phone call/ chat? Weekly, fortnightly or whatever. This will avoid her feeling harassed but help you feel there is some regularity which will keep lines of communication open and avoid misunderstandings about pressure. It may also help you avoid the temptation of spontaneous texting if that is what you’ve beeen in the habit of doing in the past.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

Yes, you need to prioritise your own needs right now. None of them are insubstantial. Your health is key, and the new job will obviously take up a lot of your emotional concentration.
.
Might it help if the two of you agreed a regular time interval for an update phone call/ chat? Weekly, fortnightly or whatever. This will avoid her feeling harassed but help you feel there is some regularity which will keep lines of communication open and avoid misunderstandings about pressure. It may also help you avoid the temptation of spontaneous texting if that is what you’ve beeen in the habit of doing in the past.

thanks, that might be the way forward, however for the time being, im not sure, I am still processing everything that was said last night, as i am sure she is, so i dont want to go down a 'regimented' contact path at the moment, will see what the fall out of last night is, and if its something that seems sensible after we have both thought on things

Primrose

If your girlfriend has got to the point of absenting from work because of her depression it may be that some medication is required for a while to help stabilise her. She seems very alone in tackling her issues. Are there any parent/siblings to give her some moral support unless of course they are part of her problem.

It’s difficult to change therapists if she was referred by the NHS as there are long waiting lists but if indeed she is not reacting positively to hers, she may get little out of the process. Sometimes, because therapists are trained to winkle out difficult problems and their patients find it difficult to tackle them they do in fact start to be viewed as “the enemy” and this makes patients shut down further rather than feeling they can open up.

You may not like what your therapist is forcing you to open up with, but somebody who can do this in an empathetic supportive way will be more successful than somebody who always gives the impression of going on the offensive. Somebody who is seriously clinically depressed may well struggle with the process and be emotionally incapable of the effort involved to help turn themselves around.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

If your girlfriend has got to the point of absenting from work because of her depression it may be that some medication is required for a while to help stabilise her. She seems very alone in tackling her issues. Are there any parent/siblings to give her some moral support unless of course they are part of her problem.

It’s difficult to change therapists if she was referred by the NHS as there are long waiting lists but if indeed she is not reacting positively to hers, she may get little out of the process. Sometimes, because therapists are trained to winkle out difficult problems and their patients find it difficult to tackle them they do in fact start to be viewed as “the enemy” and this makes patients shut down further rather than feeling they can open up.

You may not like what your therapist is forcing you to open up with, but somebody who can do this in an empathetic supportive way will be more successful than somebody who always gives the impression of going on the offensive. Somebody who is seriously clinically depressed may well struggle with the process and be emotionally incapable of the effort involved to help turn themselves around.

unfortunately her parents have been pushed away to a certain extent as well as she hasnt really spoken to them (from what she said last night)

and no not referred by the NHS, as she is self funding and seems to like her therapist, as i said its just my personal opinion that it doesnt seem to be having the results i would have expected after having seen this therapist once a week for 7 months now, and the result so far is that she has pushed a lot of people away, her boyfriend, her parents, her brothers, is missing work etc etc just doesnt seem to be working from my perspective, but again i really dont know enough about the process

Primrose

28 sessions is quite a long time. I would have expected to have seen some results by now even if these were only small step changes in terms of gradually learning how to view her problems in a.different light and learning a few coping strategies.

I wonder if pushing people away is actually a conscious or unconscious way of stopping people getting too close to her and encouraging her to face up to issues that perhaps she really doesn’t want to deal with for whatever reason. Sometimes issues can become so much of a person’s personality and psyche that getting rid of them would almost be like chopping off their right arm, especially if they’ve lived with them for a long time.

calicocat

It can often be that therapy makes things worse before they get better as she will be having to face things, come to terms with things, then learn a new way of thinking about it and modify coping skills . Her therapist should be judging this, and whether she needs more or less time to process things. Sometimes when tackling a particularly difficult patch a person my see their therapist twice a week not once, but her therapist should be judging this. It all depends what she is facing, from how long ago, and how imbedded her current thinking/coping set is. Also what triggers her thoughts, and whether she has this triggered daily , or less often, or rarely will impact recovery time. She could be re-evaluating her whole life and everyone in it. So you need to take care of you too and not set expectations too high.

If she is finding it helpful, she must be getting something from it, so that is good at least. She may also be hanging on to therapy and not ready to move forward with things on her own without that cushion, which at some point she needs to recognise if that is the case. Again, the therapist should be judging this and be guiding her accordingly.

Anyhow, pleased you made some progress and got some answers. Good luck with the results, and the new job.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

28 sessions is quite a long time. I would have expected to have seen some results by now even if these were only small step changes in terms of gradually learning how to view her problems in a.different light and learning a few coping strategies.

I wonder if pushing people away is actually a conscious or unconscious way of stopping people getting too close to her and encouraging her to face up to issues that perhaps she really doesn’t want to deal with for whatever reason. Sometimes issues can become so much of a person’s personality and psyche that getting rid of them would almost be like chopping off their right arm, especially if they’ve lived with them for a long time.

honestly i dont know, it feels like a long time to me, and to me i would have expected significant improvements in how she copes with stress, but from my perspective she has only got worse. which is why i wonder if the therapist is actually right for her. but again this is how i see it and i do not know the process or exactly what she is going through, although i would love to know so i could understand, i do not think i will ever fully know what it is or understand what she is going through.

you could be right about her pushing people away so she doesnt have to face up to things, as thats kinda what she said in her message last night that it made her face up to things she was hiding from, but hey if that carries on or not is something yet to see.

gonzo127

calicocat wrote: »

It can often be that therapy makes things worse before they get better as she will be having to face things, come to terms with things, then learn a new way of thinking about it and modify coping skills . Her therapist should be judging this, and whether she needs more or less time to process things. Sometimes when tackling a particularly difficult patch a person my see their therapist twice a week not once, but her therapist should be judging this. It all depends what she is facing, from how long ago, and how imbedded her current thinking/coping set is. Also what triggers her thoughts, and whether she has this triggered daily , or less often, or rarely will impact recovery time. She could be re-evaluating her whole life and everyone in it. So you need to take care of you too and not set expectations too high.

If she is finding it helpful, she must be getting something from it, so that is good at least. She may also be hanging on to therapy and not ready to move forward with things on her own without that cushion, which at some point she needs to recognise if that is the case. Again, the therapist should be judging this and be guiding her accordingly.

Anyhow, pleased you made some progress and got some answers. Good luck with the results, and the new job.

to be honest i do not have expectations right at the moment, i am happy because i understand a little more about what was going on and why she just upped and walked out with pretty much no explanation.

so even if things do not work out as i would like. i will be able to walk away knowing i have tried and have not just given up because it became difficult

Primrose

You won't be able to do this at the moment if you're not in regular contact but sometimes people in these situations may find it helpful to be exposed to the step by step processes of how other people cope in similar situations.

Depression can easily shut down the thinking process. If others, i.e. you, can expose her to the way you/they cope with personal issues, i.e. breaking them down and coming up with solutions for each small issue piece by piece, she may find herself able to develop similar techniques. Most overwhelming issues are resolved by small steps, one at a time, and she may be having difficulty acknowledging these and giving herself credit for them because all she can see is the "big overwhelming picture". In reality, most of our problems get resolved eventually by lots of small steps moving slowly in the right direction.

Do you get any feeling how her mental state affecting her children? You haven't said how old they are? Is she still managing to cope with them?

Primrose

gonzo127 wrote: »

........so even if things do not work out as i would like. i will be able to walk away knowing i have tried and have not just given up because it became difficult

Reaching this point is, I think, this an important milestone for you in this relationship, given that you seem to be a conscientious person who does not give up easily.