can 'space' really help?

Primrose

I'm glad you felt that your meeting filled some of the missing gaps which were haunting you and that you now have a better understanding of the issues which caused this relationship to close down in such a sudden way.


At least you can move forward for the time being and your worst about your relationship have not come to fruition.


Only you can look at these issues with any sense of understanding as to whether they will likely end up being a permanent blot on your relationship, or whether time and appropriate effort and/or counselling will be capable of resolving them.


Whilst I know you desperately wanted to get back together, perhaps you should now look at this relationship in a different perspective and regard it as a probationary one until these problems are resolved. They should perhaps act as a red alert to your longer term hopes of making it permanent Whether in reality you'll be able to rein in those hopes, given human nature, is probably another matter.


As bagpussbear has commented, I hope she gave you some sense that she was understanding of your own feelings during this past difficult month. If she didn't and is going to keep asking for prolonged periods of "space" going forward, every time one of her issues gets too much for her to cope with, I fear this could be a dangerous signal. When couples go through difficult periods in their relationship, it is normally "closeness" which helps them mutually get through them, not time apart and lack of communication. You already bear the scars of this from your previous marriage.


At least you can move forward for the time being with a little more optimism, but please mix this with a dose of reality that people cannot necessarily change their personalities and how they deal with things and you have now seen a side of her that could make a permanent relationship difficult for you..

FBaby

I have got some of the answers that I was after in regards to what the problems have been.

Are these related to you? Is she asking you to make changes in your behaviour? If so, do you think she has a point and her view is reasonable and are you prepared to act on it?

If the issues are unrelated to you, is she expecting you to just want until these are resolved?

Primrose

The other thing I was wondering about was "If you hadn't made the first move to contact her and have a meeting, would she have done so or would the hiatus have gone on indefinitely?"


This may give you a clue as to how serious and willing she is about continuing with the relationship on whatever basis going forward. You may have to rein in your previous habit of regularly texting her several times a day for example and perhaps letting her take the initiative in the regularity of these kind of contacts are going forward.

System

I really can't see that your that much forward. Sorry.

gonzo127

Ok so I will try and answer some of the points in one as there a lot coming through (thanks all)

bagpussbear wrote: »

Hi Gonzo, do you think you got across to her how difficult you have found this period? Did she say she has missed you?

I'm glad you got some answers. But it still sounds like she still doesn't know if she wants to be with you (sorry).

I believe I got across the difficulties I have been having, and she did say she does feel guilty about things, if that will change things who knows, but she seemed to understand

No she didn’t say she missed me, but as we started to walk, she actually reached for my hand to hold, and when we hugged, she held on for dear life. Maybe not the greatest signs in the world, but then again as they say actions speak louder than words. And to me there is still something there for her, maybe totally jumbled up in the mess of the issues she is trying to face, but it is there.

Primrose wrote: »

I'm glad you felt that your meeting filled some of the missing gaps which were haunting you and that you now have a better understanding of the issues which caused this relationship to close down in such a sudden way.

At least you can move forward for the time being and your worst about your relationship have not come to fruition.

Only you can look at these issues with any sense of understanding as to whether they will likely end up being a permanent blot on your relationship, or whether time and appropriate effort and/or counselling will be capable of resolving them.

Whilst I know you desperately wanted to get back together, perhaps you should now look at this relationship in a different perspective and regard it as a probationary one until these problems are resolved. They should perhaps act as a red alert to your longer term hopes of making it permanent Whether in reality you'll be able to rein in those hopes, given human nature, is probably another matter.

As bagpussbear has commented, I hope she gave you some sense that she was understanding of your own feelings during this past difficult month. If she didn't and is going to keep asking for prolonged periods of "space" going forward, every time one of her issues gets too much for her to cope with, I fear this could be a dangerous signal. When couples go through difficult periods in their relationship, it is normally "closeness" which helps them mutually get through them, not time apart and lack of communication. You already bear the scars of this from your previous marriage.

At least you can move forward for the time being with a little more optimism, but please mix this with a dose of reality that people cannot necessarily change their personalities and how they deal with things and you have now seen a side of her that could make a permanent relationship difficult for you..

As you have put, I am looking at this as a probationary period, in that I need to see her following through on the increased contact, and some of the other things we discussed.

In all reality she is seriously depressed, she has told me a lot, maybe without realising what she was saying, but my feelings that she was getting on with life and just ignoring me, was just my own insecurities getting the better of me, as she admitted she has actually called in sick to work multiple times over the last month, which is something she never has done before, and she was also due to go out on a night out on Saturday and just didn’t go out, as well as a few other major things, which have made me realise it is not just me that she has withdrawn from.

FBaby wrote: »

Are these related to you? Is she asking you to make changes in your behaviour? If so, do you think she has a point and her view is reasonable and are you prepared to act on it?

If the issues are unrelated to you, is she expecting you to just want until these are resolved?

Yes and a resounding no, some was related to me, but that seems to have been a massive discrepancy between my understanding and hers, basically one of her issues is that I wasn’t listening to her about her problems, my point is that she never actually told me what they were so how could I do anything, to which she responded saying I knew she was pee’d off and she was never anything but honest about that, but from my point she never said WHY she was pee’d off so how could I do anything. We both conceded that we hadn’t really communicated or acted right with this. So this is something we have said we both need to work on how to get that better understanding

Primrose wrote: »

The other thing I was wondering about was "If you hadn't made the first move to contact her and have a meeting, would she have done so or would the hiatus have gone on indefinitely?"


This may give you a clue as to how serious and willing she is about continuing with the relationship on whatever basis going forward. You may have to rein in your previous habit of regularly texting her several times a day for example and perhaps letting her take the initiative in the regularity of these kind of contacts are going forward.

To the first part, no I do not think she would have contacted me for a while. I do plan on letting her take the initiative more with things, although I am not just going to sit back and wait all the time, as I am not going to be afraid of contacting her now. Which is some growth from me, however I am also not going to bombard her.

Time will tell in regards to how serious she is in trying to make things work

Judi wrote: »

I really can't see that your that much forward. Sorry.

I can understand why you think that, I have spoken to my best friend about it and she feels the same as you. however from my point of view, the major stumbling block has been the lack of communication and her blocking me out, and just expecting me to know whats going on and how to act.

Last night we talked openly and honestly about things for the first time in a long while, which has given me a better understanding of the mental health problems she is going through. Ok it is no silver bullet which will fix things instantly, however nothing within mental health ever is.

To me the progress is that she has opened up to me again, for me this is a foundation that we can build on, if we are both willing, she has stated she is willing, but the proof of the pudding will be in the eating.

One thing she messaged me after we had left each other for the evening stating that it was good to see me and that it had made her face up to some stuff which she had been hiding from, which in itself is good that she is being honest about things, and the whole ‘space’ thing was in part to hide from facing things, maybe it has helped in some ways to put a bit of time and distance between when the issues where overwhelming her and starting to talk about them. But I don’t know.

System

I feel a little more hopeful for you now Gonzo. Communication and listening is key.

Primrose

Thanks for your feedback. It helps us better understand where you are and the issues you are trying to tackle.


Your girlfriend may be somebody who is not a natural communicator when it comes to dealing with difficult issues and the fact that she's seriously depressed is obviously making this more difficult. The obvious question is: "Is she seeing her GP and getting all the help she can from that front in dealing with it?" Hopefully the counselling will help although if somebody is seriously depressed, it may just open cans of worms she is currently unwilling or unable to address.


Hopefully now the ice is broken she will gradually have the confidence to start opening up and talking to you about difficult things.

gonzo127

Judi wrote: »

I feel a little more hopeful for you now Gonzo. Communication and listening is key.

that has always been my position as well, but for now its still somewhat of a waiting game, to see if she will carry on the line of communication, or if she will withdraw again now i am not right in front of her.

but what ever happens now, i feel more grounded as at least i got some of the answers i needed.

System

gonzo127 wrote: »

that has always been my position as well, but for now its still somewhat of a waiting game, to see if she will carry on the line of communication, or if she will withdraw again now i am not right in front of her.

but what ever happens now, i feel more grounded as at least i got some of the answers i needed.

Please dont fall into the habit of doing all the messaging/phoning.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

Thanks for your feedback. It helps us better understand where you are and the issues you are trying to tackle.


Your girlfriend may be somebody who is not a natural communicator when it comes to dealing with difficult issues and the fact that she's seriously depressed is obviously making this more difficult. The obvious question is: "Is she seeing her GP and getting all the help she can from that front in dealing with it?" Hopefully the counselling will help although if somebody is seriously depressed, it may just open cans of worms she is currently unwilling or unable to address.


Hopefully now the ice is broken she will gradually have the confidence to start opening up and talking to you about difficult things.

she is seeing her GP for a lot of health problems, i do not know how much she has spoken to them about her current mental health problems, but i do not believe she is on any medication to help, and is mainly just having counselling,

i have wondered if this therapist is actually right for her, as since she started she has just gone more and more downhill and withdrawn from all the people who care for her, but then again i do not know what it is like and what is normal, it just seems wrong to start therapy and withdraw when i always imagined it was supposed to allow you to tackle problems. so that you do not withdraw from life.

and yes that is my hope as well, i do not expect to hear from her for a while now as we both have a lot to process after last night, but we will see, i have now got to concentrate on preparing myself for my results, and my new job next week, and trying not to let it overwhelm me this weekend when i have my daughter with me