Considering separation from Disabled partner

bugslet

Pollycat wrote: »

I have a feeling that the replies would have been entirely different if the OP hadn't posted that appallingly cruel letter that he had been considering sending.

Speaking personally, I haven't made any comments to the OP that I wouldn't have made if the OP had been a woman.

I think it depends on the type of forum as well - I'm on another forum which is pretty small and all female. We had a forummer - as part of a larger thread - post about her circumstances, which in a nutshell were she was having an affair after being unhappy for several years in her marriage. She had been planning to leave her husband when out of the blue he was diagnosed with an illness, which saw her having to care for him for the forseeable future.

It was years ago so I can't remember specifics, but I do remember feeling very sorry for her. Yes, it was wrong to have an affair, but it was a miserable existance, feeling that your duty was to stay caring for someone that you no longer loved.

The general consensus was one of compassion for her - I don't think it was purely because she was female and so are the other forummers. I think it was more a recognition that life is not black and white and sometimes you are in a situation that is difficult all round.

The OPs letter was harsh, but he posted on here to get a feel for how it looked to others. It's difficult to see clearly when you are in the thick of an emotional decision and I feel sorry for him, his wife and the children. There is no good solution whatever he does.

takethemon

It would be far more gross if it was a woman walking out on her children in similar circumstances with a wheelchair bound husband.
No matter how the OP dresses it up, he is contemplating walking out on his family, even if he plans to have his children at his own place.
Not only will he be walking out on his family, I would imagine family friends would wish him to take the same path with them.
As for the children, in later years they will look upon OP as the person who walked out on them when they needed him most.
Lets cut to the nitty gritty. He is contemplating this decision to make HIS life better.
It has been said that children are resilient. Indeed they are, on the surface. Who can read their little minds?
It would be better if they split up from a loveless marriage, but in these circumstances what is OP leaving his children to cope with?
Does he think they are old enough to realise that it is only the mother that he is walking out on?
The OP is obviously in turmoil, but publishing that letter and his reasoning leaves me cold.
He should get some professional help.

seven-day-weekend

Pollycat wrote: »

I have a feeling that the replies would have been entirely different if the OP hadn't posted that appallingly cruel letter that he had been considering sending.

Speaking personally, I haven't made any comments to the OP that I wouldn't have made if the OP had been a woman.

I agree that the letter is not a good way to go, and said so in my first post, when I also recommended counselling.

But we see it all the time on here. Bloke looks at woman sideways and there are immediate calls to leave him, take the children and take him for all he has got.

Other way round, he's a cad and a bounder.

I sincerely hope this marriage can be mended.

seven-day-weekend

takethemon wrote: »

It would be far more gross if it was a woman walking out on her children in similar circumstances with a wheelchair bound husband.
No matter how the OP dresses it up, he is contemplating walking out on his family, even if he plans to have his children at his own place.
Not only will he be walking out on his family, I would imagine family friends would wish him to take the same path with them.
As for the children, in later years they will look upon OP as the person who walked out on them when they needed him most.
Lets cut to the nitty gritty. He is contemplating this decision to make HIS life better.
It has been said that children are resilient. Indeed they are, on the surface. Who can read their little minds?
It would be better if they split up from a loveless marriage, but in these circumstances what is OP leaving his children to cope with?
Does he think they are old enough to realise that it is only the mother that he is walking out on?
The OP is obviously in turmoil, but publishing that letter and his reasoning leaves me cold.
He should get some professional help.

Isn't that the case in all marriage break-ups??? One person or the other, or both, thinks they will have a better life outside the marriage. Children are always caught in the middle, to a lesser or greater extent.

I'm not condoning the OP's actions, just pointing out that the situation, in many ways, is no worse than any other marriage break-up.

I agree he should seek professional help.

pipkin71

takethemon wrote: »

Those poor little children will be psychologically damaged for the rest of their days. Time heals, but the memory stays.

Melodramatic!

How can you say, with any certainty, that the children will be psychologically damaged? For the rest of their days, to boot.

A marriage break up can affect children, some more than others but on the whole, they are pretty resilient. Being young carers can be tough as well, but again, being in that position won't automatically lead to a lifetime of psychological issues.

I would say, remaining in a loveless marriage can affect the children more than if the father leaves. It won't be easy for any of them but that doesn't mean they won't adjust to their new situation.

Westminster

Indeed I am grateful for the full spectrum of responses received thus far and certainly those that highlighted the very ill-advised nature of the letter.

As surmised by a few people, this is a highly emotive process and it has been useful for me to get my thoughts down and shared in the partially anonymous nature of this forum.

This is still very much a work in progress and as previously stated, if it were not for my concern over the short and long term impact of leaving on my wife & children (regardless of how that comes about) then it would be a much more simple decision process.

Probably the elevated stress of the current carer resigning has pushed all this to the forefront and it does seem (on my part) to be abating now that we (both) are taking an active role in finding a solution to the immediate care requirements while I am away with work.

I will be giving this more careful consideration as to whether I want to trigger the next stage or redouble efforts to deal with my own 'demons' regarding prospects for the future and may conclude that its better to continue with things as they are.

Just bringing this up with my wife is going to cause significant upset and stress all around although clearly this would be the logical next step should I decide that I do need to share the burden if I can't cope with this by myself.

spirit

Westminster wrote: »

Indeed I am grateful for the full spectrum of responses received thus far and certainly those that highlighted the very ill-advised nature of the letter.

As surmised by a few people, this is a highly emotive process and it has been useful for me to get my thoughts down and shared in the partially anonymous nature of this forum.

This is still very much a work in progress and as previously stated, if it were not for my concern over the short and long term impact of leaving on my wife & children (regardless of how that comes about) then it would be a much more simple decision process.

Probably the elevated stress of the current carer resigning has pushed all this to the forefront and it does seem (on my part) to be abating now that we (both) are taking an active role in finding a solution to the immediate care requirements while I am away with work.

I will be giving this more careful consideration as to whether I want to trigger the next stage or redouble efforts to deal with my own 'demons' regarding prospects for the future and may conclude that its better to continue with things as they are.

Just bringing this up with my wife is going to cause significant upset and stress all around although clearly this would be the logical next step should I decide that I do need to share the burden if I can't cope with this by myself.

BIB - still not considering things from your wife's POV?


If you are struggling to deal with this, surely couples counselling, as you agreed is a good idea and would be the next logical step.


So you think that not bringing it up with your wife is in someway protecting her from it? As you've said, she isn't mentally impaired. You are doing her a disservice by not engaging with her.


it all comes across as very one-sided.

Red-Squirrel_2

FBaby wrote: »

Why would these children be more damaged than any other children of divorced parents?

With the best will in the world I think its highly likely that it will be harder for them. They won't be living the lives of most kids with divorced parents, they will be looked after almost entirely by people who are being paid to do it and will take on a lot of the responsibility for their mother's emotional wellbeing if not physical.

takethemon

Westminster wrote: »

Indeed I am grateful for the full spectrum of responses received thus far and certainly those that highlighted the very ill-advised nature of the letter.

As surmised by a few people, this is a highly emotive process and it has been useful for me to get my thoughts down and shared in the partially anonymous nature of this forum.

This is still very much a work in progress and as previously stated, if it were not for my concern over the short and long term impact of leaving on my wife & children (regardless of how that comes about) then it would be a much more simple decision process.

Probably the elevated stress of the current carer resigning has pushed all this to the forefront and it does seem (on my part) to be abating now that we (both) are taking an active role in finding a solution to the immediate care requirements while I am away with work.

I will be giving this more careful consideration as to whether I want to trigger the next stage or redouble efforts to deal with my own 'demons' regarding prospects for the future and may conclude that its better to continue with things as they are.

Just bringing this up with my wife is going to cause significant upset and stress all around although clearly this would be the logical next step should I decide that I do need to share the burden if I can't cope with this by myself.

It appears to be all about you.
Those little children didn't ask to be bought into this world.

pearl123

There is a huge difference between walking out on a mother/partner with young children and walking out on a disabled mother/partner with children.

The children no matter how young will learn to anticipate their mothers needs and this will become more acute if the father leaves.

The children are highly likely to suffer long term psychological damage. (I absolutely agree with the earlier poster who stated this.)
I feel I can make this statement, as I was a parentified child to a needy/disabled mother.

It might be a good idea if OP saw a psychiatrist not necessarily for himself but for one to spell out the potential dangers to his children.

I recognise that is a great burden for OP, but how difficult is it to stick around 10-12 or more years for the sake of your childrens mental health. It's not that long, especially for someone who can escape to work!
In life you can't run away from everything. Ok OP has stated that he'll pay financially. His wife and children will pay mentally, should he leave.

Perhaps, one of the dedicated carer forums can offer some solutions/feedback. Carers.uk. for example. They'll know more about the help which is available.