Considering separation from Disabled partner

Gavin83

Judi wrote: »

The letter he had drafted was cruel and uncalled for.

Quite. This kind of thing needs to be discussed face to face. He does at least appear to have taken this on board.

It's an incredibly difficult situation for all involved and regardless of what happens people will get hurt. As you say it's damage limitation, a case of minimising the hurt for all involved. I don't think it's healthy for any of them for him to stay in a loveless marriage but similarly he can't just dump them either. It's a balancing act and I hope it works out the best it can do.

KxMx

barbiedoll wrote: »

It's been a very emotive thread but I can't help but agree with much of what the poster above has said.

I think the OP is one of those people with a very analytical mindset, his job as a pilot would bear this out, and his letter seems to be his way of getting his thoughts together. Of course, he shouldn't give it to his wife (at least, not without some very heavy editing, there's no need for remarks about how he would have left years ago etc) but at the end of the day, he's going to leave anyway. He's already emotionally out of the relationship.

I don't think that comments about bringing kids into a marriage already burdened by disability, are helpful. I'm guessing that children were a choice made by both him and his wife, but no-one's blaming her for that choice. I suppose she didn't take into account a marriage breakdown, but then again, who does?

There's no easy answers, that's for sure. As OP says, money is not an issue so at least it will cushion the blow. He will be able to shield his children from the burden of caring as much as anyone can I guess.
What a horrible situation for all concerned though. You all have my sympathy.

I feel my replies on this thread show that I feel both were indeed responsible, and i only very briefly hinted at my true feelings about that, because it wouldn't have been helpful.

Indeed many have replied around urging the OP towards better care for his children, putting the relationship issue aside and seemingly accepting OPs view that the marriage is over.

moneyistooshorttomention

Gavin83 wrote: »

Just to clarify here are people suggesting he should stay in a loveless marriage or am I misunderstanding this? Alternatively are people suggesting he leave her and take the kids with him which probably seems the worst possible outcome for her. Seems to be a lot of people telling him he's horrible for writing the letter but offering very little suggestion as to what the best option is.

I must admit I can understand why the flood of condemnation for the poster - but havent actually spotted any constructive solutions to this dilemma yet.

An assumption I've frequently seen on this thread is that many have assumed it was a joint decision to have children. We don't know that. It may have been. It may not have been. This is unclear and we cant tell whether they both sat down and had a "Shall we have children and, if so, when?" discussion (as one would hope) or she made the decision on her own and turned round and presented him with a fait accompli. This is not at all clear.

missprice

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I must admit I can understand why the flood of condemnation for the poster - but havent actually spotted any constructive solutions to this dilemma yet.

An assumption I've frequently seen on this thread is that many have assumed it was a joint decision to have children. We don't know that. It may have been. It may not have been. This is unclear and we cant tell whether they both sat down and had a "Shall we have children and, if so, when?" discussion (as one would hope) or she made the decision on her own and turned round and presented him with a fait accompli. This is not at all clear.

According to the OP he has wanted to leave for years, the kids are 4 and 5? It's not hard to do the math and see that quite probably when these children were conceived the OP already wanted out.
Even then if he didn't want children, I know of two failsafe ways of not getting a woman pregnant. It's not entirely OPs fault these children are here, but he could have done more, even if his wife was absolutely insistent, don't mean you can't say no, she is chair bound, how much can she do without his consent?

Helen2k8

I only made it 5 pages in.

Disagreeing with OP is not vitriolic! I have seen no vitriol.

Marriages break down all the time, and additional needs can of course be life changing and draining. It's none of my business whether you should leave or not.

However, that letter and the logic behind it is callous and cruel.
If OP makes all these plans before breathing a word to his wife, then he has utterly disempowered her. I wouldn't presume to do that to a child, never mind a grown adult. She has a right to decide her own future, for goodness' sake! The letter is all about what OP wants. OP is playing the benevolent dictator with somebody's life and it turns my stomach.

As for posting somebody's personal medical details on a public forum - that is truly disgusting and a board guide should know better.

annandale

How much can she do without his consent? Seriously?

People in unhappy relationships can and do have sex you know.

I agree. Entirely inappropriate posting this level of content on a public forum.

lillie421

I agree with the above comments and I do not suggest giving her that letter. Why not talk to her? Surely you are comfortable talking to her after being married for 12 years. That letter comes across as very blunt and that would really hurt her.
Talking to her is all I can suggest.

moneyistooshorttomention

missprice wrote: »

According to the OP he has wanted to leave for years, the kids are 4 and 5? It's not hard to do the math and see that quite probably when these children were conceived the OP already wanted out.
Even then if he didn't want children, I know of two failsafe ways of not getting a woman pregnant. It's not entirely OPs fault these children are here, but he could have done more, even if his wife was absolutely insistent, don't mean you can't say no, she is chair bound, how much can she do without his consent?

Another possibility is, of course, that it was when the children turned up that he started wanting out - because she might have made their decision on her own and, after that, he felt he couldnt trust her. I can think of 4 women I know that made such a decision on their own and the husband concerned has left 3 of them.

As I said - we don't know. OP hasnt said.

Ozzuk

I can see where you are coming from OP. In your head this is pretty much over and a done deal. Maybe the letter is more for you, and as tempting as it may be sharing it with her would be a terrible idea, thankfully that you now see.

You need to talk to your wife. She could already be worrying about the impact her illness is having on the family. Either at counselling, or on your own you need to tell her you are struggling, aren't happy, not sure about the future - at least start her thinking that this may be over.

If you don't do this, then you'll be fine as you've mentally prepared but for her it will be out of the blue. She'll have to deal with kids, illness, new carer, losing you - all of it. Soften the blow by communicating, you owe her that much. She is an adult and your partner, maybe she will have ideas for making things better, maybe separate lives but in the same house for instance, whatever, at least try and deal with it together.

It may get to the point she absolutely doesn't want to split up, won't deal with any of it but at least you will have tried to do things the right way, and you may even surprise yourself once you back off from 'it's all over' and see something worth saving.

Good luck.

Pollycat

Ozzuk wrote: »

You need to talk to your wife. She could already be worrying about the impact her illness is having on the family. Either at counselling, or on your own you need to tell her you are struggling, aren't happy, not sure about the future - at least start her thinking that this may be over.

If you don't do this, then you'll be fine as you've mentally prepared but for her it will be out of the blue. She'll have to deal with kids, illness, new carer, losing you - all of it. Soften the blow by communicating, you owe her that much. She is an adult and your partner, maybe she will have ideas for making things better, maybe separate lives but in the same house for instance, whatever, at least try and deal with it together.

It may get to the point she absolutely doesn't want to split up, won't deal with any of it but at least you will have tried to do things the right way, and you may even surprise yourself once you back off from 'it's all over' and see something worth saving.

Good luck.

We may all be doing the OP's wife a disservice here.
Maybe she's not as clueless about the state of the marriage as the OP thinks she is.
Maybe the OP isn't as good at hiding his feelings and surreptitious future arrangements as he thinks he is.
Maybe the 'news' that the OP no longer loves her and wants out will come as a relief to his wife.