Considering separation from Disabled partner

Pollycat

thepurplepixie wrote: »

You mean they will be housed, fed and cared for by a succession of carers? Oh yes, the ideal childhood.

I didn't say it was an ideal childhood.
I think you'll find it was the OP who's considering the arrangements for the children.

thepurplepixie wrote: »

Have you thought of the psychological damage this will do, that these children will feel responsible for their mother when they should be able to just be carefree kids. There is more to children being OK than a house and food you know.

I think you should ask the OP if he has thought about the psychological damage this will do.

Lambyr

Westminster wrote: »

Primarily due to the various reasons already stated above by various other posters (and obviously being on my mind before I came here).

The fallout for my wife & children is what is stopping me just up and leaving.

There is obviously no easy answer as demonstrated by my own unclear thought process in this matter and the lack of one unifying 'solution' posted in the last 110 replies.

Is this not a reason to involve her now? I get that in your own way you are trying to consider everyone but you're only hearing your voice in a discussion that affects four people. The kids are too young to make decisions such as this, so you and your wife need to - but your wife can't do that if you're not giving her a voice.

You should be honest with her - with a little more tact than that letter - by opening up the discussion. "Considering" or not, there is no point pretending that you're going to be here ten years down the line and happy with it all if things remain the same. At least if you tell her that there are problems then you give her a voice, you increase her options and if 'considering' becomes 'decided' then she will have had some chance to make her own preparations if Relate, or other such things, do not work out.

fairy_lights

Westminster wrote: »

In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

Wow. You really couldn't have made this letter any more hurtful if you'd tried.

Top_Girl

My twopence worth.


For a bit of context, I was born to a bi polar mother. I was born in 1981 and in those days, a lot of mental illness in females was considered to be directly connected to the womb, hysteria etc. They advised that it would be beneficial to my mum to have children. Needless to say, this was not the case.


My mum's illness had been hidden from my dad until they married. It sounds ludicrous these days, but in the time of not living together before marriage and relatively short courtships/no overnight dates, it was easy to do. They bought a house, moved in after marriage and it soon became apparent that she was seriously ill.


Unsurprisingly, her illness worsened over the years. My dad struggled to cope and ended up divorcing her and moving into the spare room when I was nine. My younger brother and I grew up with all the pressure and uncertainty that being a young carer brings.


When I was eleven, my dad was dating someone else and my mum had met a man whilst in hospital *rolls eyes to high heaven* and announced she wanted to move him into our family home.


In his 'wisdom', my dad decided to move in with the new woman (who had no interest in my brother or I) and left my brother and I with my mother and the man she had met whilst he was being treated for drink and drug induced mania. Yes, really.


After 10 months, my brother and I were removed from our home by the Police and placed into care.


Whilst I've ended up quite well balanced all things considered, I've never been able to forgive my dad for walking out and away from us, leaving us in a situation he couldn't handle, yet expecting us as children to. I also suffer from anxiety and have issues around abandonment and self-esteem.
My younger brother couldn't cope with what happened to us at all and drank himself to death at 31. This was despite the majority of our basic biological needs being met; we were fed, clothed and had a warm home.


Whilst MS is obviously a world away from bi polar, you made those children and to leave them in an environment that is too much for you to handle is frankly abhorrent.

System

Easy to criticize the guy from afar. The minority (and I mean the minority) can contribute and advise on this kind of decision. The rest of you should wind your necks in. He clearly is at the end of his tether. You lot should be ashamed of yourselves.

Torry_Quine

Top_Girl wrote: »

My twopence worth.


For a bit of context, I was born to a bi polar mother. I was born in 1981 and in those days, a lot of mental illness in females was considered to be directly connected to the womb, hysteria etc. They advised that it would be beneficial to my mum to have children. Needless to say, this was not the case.


My mum's illness had been hidden from my dad until they married. It sounds ludicrous these days, but in the time of not living together before marriage and relatively short courtships/no overnight dates, it was easy to do. They bought a house, moved in after marriage and it soon became apparent that she was seriously ill.


Unsurprisingly, her illness worsened over the years. My dad struggled to cope and ended up divorcing her and moving into the spare room when I was nine. My younger brother and I grew up with all the pressure and uncertainty that being a young carer brings.


When I was eleven, my dad was dating someone else and my mum had met a man whilst in hospital *rolls eyes to high heaven* and announced she wanted to move him into our family home.


In his 'wisdom', my dad decided to move in with the new woman (who had no interest in my brother or I) and left my brother and I with my mother and the man she had met whilst he was being treated for drink and drug induced mania. Yes, really.


After 10 months, my brother and I were removed from our home by the Police and placed into care.


Whilst I've ended up quite well balanced all things considered, I've never been able to forgive my dad for walking out and away from us, leaving us in a situation he couldn't handle, yet expecting us as children to. I also suffer from anxiety and have issues around abandonment and self-esteem.
My younger brother couldn't cope with what happened to us at all and drank himself to death at 31. This was despite the majority of our basic biological needs being met; we were fed, clothed and had a warm home.


Whilst MS is obviously a world away from bi polar, you made those children and to leave them in an environment that is too much for you to handle is frankly abhorrent.

Thanks for that. It was very brave.

Pollycat

andydownes123 wrote: »

Easy to criticize the guy from afar. The minority (and I mean the minority) can contribute and advise on this kind of decision. The rest of you should wind your necks in. He clearly is at the end of his tether. You lot should be ashamed of yourselves.

As I said earlier in the thread:

Pollycat wrote: »

The OP put his life on a public forum, when you do that you can't control what responses you get.

It really is not up to you to say who can or can't reply to any thread on this forum.

I would expect the OP - in his position as a board guide - to endorse that.

System

Pollycat wrote: »

As I said earlier in the thread:

It really is not up to you to say who can or can't reply to any thread on this forum.

I would expect the OP - in his position as a board guide - to endorse that.

Totally agree.

fairy_lights

andydownes123 wrote: »

Easy to criticize the guy from afar. The minority (and I mean the minority) can contribute and advise on this kind of decision. The rest of you should wind your necks in. He clearly is at the end of his tether. You lot should be ashamed of yourselves.

Nope, he's put it out in public, you can't do that and only expect nice, gentle responses that tell you you're doing the right thing.
His letter and general attitude is awful and hopefully the responses here will make him rethink how he approaches this with his wife.

Red-Squirrel_2

BBH123 wrote: »

or maybe he is just thinking through all the possibilities and options to come to the very best way forward for his wife and her needs not just emotionally but practically aswell.

Thing is, those are really decisions she should be making, or that they should be making together, not that she should be having made for her.